Please realize that right now, you do not need to decide One Damned Thing. You really don't. What you do need to do, is to talk to a lawyer tomorrow, or ASAP, to find out what your rights are. And then you need to detach from him, think about what YOU want and YOU need, and start planning towards that.
You have been here and done that. What does that say to you? What does his willingness to go here again say to you. Only you can answer that. So you have no job? So you have no vehicle? You have credit cards and this is the time to use them, for a councilor and for a retainer for a lawyer. This is YOUR time to figure out what you need to do and what you need.
Please. Honor yourself. Think about what you need and you want. While you do not have to decide one darned thing, you do need to think about this, look at his actions, look at how that jibes with what you need and what he says, and not settle for anything less than what you deserve.
(((hugs))) Plese come back often for support, we are all here for you.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
Unfortunately, I think your husband feels that since you were willing to wait for him to come back to you after he deserted you and spent 2.5 years with another woman, you'll pretty much put up with anything he does.
I truly hate to see you with no options available to you because you're financially dependant on him. Unfortunately, nothing will narrow a woman's options as quickly as that will.
I, like Skan, am really hoping you'll honor yourself this time, rather than allowing him to disrespect you to the same level he dd last time.
I'm sending you wishes for strength and I hope that you'll be able to become independent so you can make choices that are healthy for you. Good luck to you.
I'm new to this board, but I agree with the others, that you at least need to see a lawyer and get your ducks in a row.
You deserve more than this. (((hugs)))
On a positive note, I have begun looking into IC, as well as a group counseling for infidelity. At this point, I am looking for as much support outside of family/friends, as I am not ready to tell them what is going on yet. I feel like I am going insane!
I can't imagine how hurt you must be; whatever happens between the two of you, I hope you realize that you deserve to be loved and respected and don't settle for anything less.
I strongly recommend you confide in someone in real life while you deal with this. Sister? Best Friend? The person you trust the most. I can almost guarantee that person(s) will shine a spotlight on this for you that will provide much-needed clarity.
When Fuckturd was trying to blame all our woes on blended family challenges, I finally called my sister in complete despair. I hadn’t told her about any of his solicitous emails or lies to that point. Honestly, because I was ashamed. But as soon as I told her what had really been bothering ME and making me impatient and on edge, she simply said “Oh. Well that changes everything” and the light bulb started to go on for me. Oh, how I wish I had brought my sister into my confidence early on. She would have given me so much strength when I thought I was going crazy. And she has been my absolute rock ever since.
SI is fantastic but you absolutely need a real life posse as well. Moreover, you have no obligation to protect him or his despicable behavior from friends and family. He created this mess, not you.
Next, please resist the urge to call or text him. Come dump it here instead. They take power from realizing they are getting to you and so they continue to pull all the strings and push all your buttons. So even if you don’t feel indifferent, try to fake it till you make it. I echo the advice to lawyer up. This also is a huge step in taking your power back.
The rage is natural. Try to find a safe and cathartic outlet for it. Kickboxing, running, punching pillows or mattresses, journaling your anger, kicking a cardboard box around the backyard, breaking crap you don’t like anyway, burning old love letters in the fireplace. Rage is a natural emotion and it is not useless. In fact, it is most valuable. It exists because it plays a vital role in protecting yourself.
I’m sorry you are here but you have found a safe haven to help you through one of the worst experiences a person can face.
Put caring for yourself and your daughter as number one. The rest of the decisions can be taken slow.
Wishing you peace tonight…
First, I have read that when a spouse's gut is saying that their spouse is cheating, 85% of the time, even with no evidence, they are correct.
Like you, I've felt I've had to do my best to keep this marriage working. And I did that.
What I'm suggesting is that the proof is sometimes in the attitude of the WS and in their treatment to their BS.
The proof doesn't always have to be found in cell phones, facebook, etc.
Sometimes it's just right there under our noses and it's in the form of how they treat you.
Your husband should not be hiding his phone and/or cleaning his internet browsing history.
It is an act designed to hide his activity, which is proof that your concern is warranted.
Leases can be broke. Don't stay because of a lease.
Do you have friends and family you can stay with? Don't allow yourself to be trapped by his selfish behavior.
Please go to the Healing Library and read the 180.
He isn't going to change because he doesn't think he has to - right now there are no consequences to his actions.
He needs to pick you or his "friend" - very simple. If he's not willing to do that then you have your answer.
I am sorry you found yourself in this situation again. Big hugs and prayers.
[This message edited by 1Faith at 9:57 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)]
Protect yourself. Open a bank account in your name. Start putting whatever funds you can into it. If you can get a credit card in your name only, do it. Your situation is toxic and you need a survival plan.
Don't let him keep you trapped and helpless.
You deserve so much better. You certainly do not deserve the callous disrespect he is force-feeding you.
It's not just us in the lease, we are in a "roommate" situation with my brother and his FI, which was stupid, and I know it.
I have started the 180, even while living in the same household. He is a truck driver, so the weekends, when he is home are going to be a lot harder. I am already trying to find ways to keep myself busy out of the home, or have him take our daughter to do stuff out of the home. Basically avoid him as much as possible. Since Sunday when he left for work we have talked for less then 10 minutes, and I have not talked about anything but our daughter. If he tries to ask anything about me, I immediately get off of the phone. I am forcing myself to eat as much as I can, I haven't had any bouts of feeling as though I was going to fair or anything so that is good. I have also started exercising, and working on house projects that I had previously been putting off.
I know that IC is going to help me, no matter what the outcome is for the A or our M. I know that I survived without him the first time, I can survive again. But, I want to do more then survive. I want to be happy.