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Second chance gone sour.

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mixedintherut posted 8/18/2013 17:14 PM

My husband and I were high school sweethearts. We were together 6 years, three of those married, when he had his first affair. I won't spend a lot of time talking about that situation, but it came out that he didn't love me and didn't want to be in a relationship and denied anything was going on. Two days later he moved out, left me and our 6 month old daughter in our home that would shortly foreclose there after. Two weeks into that situation and the truth came out, he had left me for one of his employees.He filed for divorce 2 months after leaving, but it was never finalized. They played house for 2.5 years, while I tried to go to school, work full time and raise our daughter. I prayed every day that he would come back, but never truly thought he would.August of 2012 I got the call, we talked, things were good, and I was so shocked. He seemed so genuine. Things went really fast. He went to school to become a truck driver, and I have been a stay at home mom. We moved 4 months ago to a new city, everything seemed to be going good. Three weeks ago, I started feeling "off", I wasn't good enough for him, he was disgusted by me, he didn't want to be home etc. I talked to him about it, he of course said nothing was going on, everything was fine, he loved me blah blah blah. Two weeks ago there was an incident about a text message and he refused to let me see his phone, which was a HUGE trigger for me. He then started hiding his phone under his pillow on the nights he was home. Needless to say my mind had been racing, I was going crazy, but every time I brought it up, he reassured me that everything was fine. After not being able to take it anymore, this past Friday, I checked his phone records and called him out. He admitted that he was talking to someone but says it isn't anything. Of course it is something, I know it has to at least be an emotional affair, he refuses to stop talking to her, he refuses counseling, and we are stuck in a lease for 8 months, and I have no job and no vehicle. I am livid. I am more mad then I have ever been, I have hardly cried, which is starting to scare me. I am SO confused. You would think I would be better at this. I don't want to tell anyone in person yet, because I don't know whats going to happen. I am still in denial, and somewhat hopeful that he will come around, quickly. I can't believe I am in this situation, again.

emotionalgirl posted 8/18/2013 18:39 PM

Hi mixed....I am so sorry you find yourself here. My WH refuses to cut off contact as well, it is as if this "friend" is more important than us. He left you in one hell of a bind the last time with the house going into foreclosure. If I were in your shoes I would at least see a lawyer. As someone here told me you don't have to hire said lawyer or file for D you just have to know what your rites are so you don't feel so helpless and trapped. It allows you to get your ducks in a row and puts you in the drivers seat so to speak. Good luck and ((( hugs)))

Skan posted 8/18/2013 22:14 PM

MixedInTheRut, welcome. I know that you don't want to be here any more than the rest of us, but I am SO GLAD that you found us for support.

Please realize that right now, you do not need to decide One Damned Thing. You really don't. What you do need to do, is to talk to a lawyer tomorrow, or ASAP, to find out what your rights are. And then you need to detach from him, think about what YOU want and YOU need, and start planning towards that.

You have been here and done that. What does that say to you? What does his willingness to go here again say to you. Only you can answer that. So you have no job? So you have no vehicle? You have credit cards and this is the time to use them, for a councilor and for a retainer for a lawyer. This is YOUR time to figure out what you need to do and what you need.

Please. Honor yourself. Think about what you need and you want. While you do not have to decide one darned thing, you do need to think about this, look at his actions, look at how that jibes with what you need and what he says, and not settle for anything less than what you deserve.

(((hugs))) Plese come back often for support, we are all here for you.

NeverAgain2013 posted 8/19/2013 10:54 AM

Unfortunately Mixed, it's really a case of "fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

Unfortunately, I think your husband feels that since you were willing to wait for him to come back to you after he deserted you and spent 2.5 years with another woman, you'll pretty much put up with anything he does.

I truly hate to see you with no options available to you because you're financially dependant on him. Unfortunately, nothing will narrow a woman's options as quickly as that will.

I, like Skan, am really hoping you'll honor yourself this time, rather than allowing him to disrespect you to the same level he dd last time.

I'm sending you wishes for strength and I hope that you'll be able to become independent so you can make choices that are healthy for you. Good luck to you.

Barni posted 8/19/2013 11:15 AM

I am so sorry, mixed. I can only imagine the hurt and anger you must feel.

I'm new to this board, but I agree with the others, that you at least need to see a lawyer and get your ducks in a row.

You deserve more than this. (((hugs)))

pregnantandsad posted 8/19/2013 16:00 PM

I am so sorry, and I agree with all the replies you received. You don't deserve to be treated this way. Talk to a lawyer and even if you can't afford to hire one right now, at least you can can get some info and advice.

mixedintherut posted 8/21/2013 19:17 PM

I am struggling so hard today. This is actually the second time I have typed something out, and deleted the first one. The first time WH left within two days of telling me and was completely set on D. This time his job is different so he is hardly home, thus far it is just an emotional A, that I am aware of. But, the not knowing what I want is driving me crazy. My heart tells me that I want our M to work, I want us to be able to communicate and go to counseling and work on this. My head is telling me that I am a fool for giving him a second chance and how the hell could you even consider R. I know that if he was open to an R this moment, I would do it. But, the fact remains that as of right now that is so far from what he wants. I am trying so hard to do the 180. I found out on Friday, was gone most of Saturday, he left for work around 5:30 Sunday morning. I have talked to him all of 7 minutes since Sunday morning. On one hand, I feel good about it, I know that I am doing things for myself. At the same time, I am struggling every hour not to call, or text him. I want to call/text for various reasons. I am so so confused, feeling completely lonely, and the emotions range from f*ck him to, I miss him and want him to hold me. AH. I want to scream, I want to drink, I want to beat someone or something in a fit of rage. The days are going SO incredibly slowly.

On a positive note, I have begun looking into IC, as well as a group counseling for infidelity. At this point, I am looking for as much support outside of family/friends, as I am not ready to tell them what is going on yet. I feel like I am going insane!

Girlietoo posted 8/21/2013 20:01 PM

You gave him the gift of reconciliation and he has thrown that away. You are not a fool, he is.

I can't imagine how hurt you must be; whatever happens between the two of you, I hope you realize that you deserve to be loved and respected and don't settle for anything less.

NoTriangles posted 8/21/2013 20:18 PM

Welcome, Mixed.

I strongly recommend you confide in someone in real life while you deal with this. Sister? Best Friend? The person you trust the most. I can almost guarantee that person(s) will shine a spotlight on this for you that will provide much-needed clarity.

When Fuckturd was trying to blame all our woes on blended family challenges, I finally called my sister in complete despair. I hadn’t told her about any of his solicitous emails or lies to that point. Honestly, because I was ashamed. But as soon as I told her what had really been bothering ME and making me impatient and on edge, she simply said “Oh. Well that changes everything” and the light bulb started to go on for me. Oh, how I wish I had brought my sister into my confidence early on. She would have given me so much strength when I thought I was going crazy. And she has been my absolute rock ever since.

SI is fantastic but you absolutely need a real life posse as well. Moreover, you have no obligation to protect him or his despicable behavior from friends and family. He created this mess, not you.

Next, please resist the urge to call or text him. Come dump it here instead. They take power from realizing they are getting to you and so they continue to pull all the strings and push all your buttons. So even if you don’t feel indifferent, try to fake it till you make it. I echo the advice to lawyer up. This also is a huge step in taking your power back.

The rage is natural. Try to find a safe and cathartic outlet for it. Kickboxing, running, punching pillows or mattresses, journaling your anger, kicking a cardboard box around the backyard, breaking crap you don’t like anyway, burning old love letters in the fireplace. Rage is a natural emotion and it is not useless. In fact, it is most valuable. It exists because it plays a vital role in protecting yourself.

I’m sorry you are here but you have found a safe haven to help you through one of the worst experiences a person can face.

Put caring for yourself and your daughter as number one. The rest of the decisions can be taken slow.

Wishing you peace tonight…

1Faith posted 8/22/2013 09:56 AM

Oh Mixed. Sorry you're facing this again. Once is enough for a lifetime, let alone more.

First, I have read that when a spouse's gut is saying that their spouse is cheating, 85% of the time, even with no evidence, they are correct.

Like you, I've felt I've had to do my best to keep this marriage working. And I did that.

What I'm suggesting is that the proof is sometimes in the attitude of the WS and in their treatment to their BS.

The proof doesn't always have to be found in cell phones, facebook, etc.

Sometimes it's just right there under our noses and it's in the form of how they treat you.

Your husband should not be hiding his phone and/or cleaning his internet browsing history.

It is an act designed to hide his activity, which is proof that your concern is warranted.

Leases can be broke. Don't stay because of a lease.

Do you have friends and family you can stay with? Don't allow yourself to be trapped by his selfish behavior.

Please go to the Healing Library and read the 180.

He isn't going to change because he doesn't think he has to - right now there are no consequences to his actions.

He needs to pick you or his "friend" - very simple. If he's not willing to do that then you have your answer.

I am sorry you found yourself in this situation again. Big hugs and prayers.

[This message edited by 1Faith at 9:57 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)]

Dagny07 posted 8/22/2013 10:08 AM

This boy abandoned his wife and baby, leaving them to go through foreclosure.

Protect yourself. Open a bank account in your name. Start putting whatever funds you can into it. If you can get a credit card in your name only, do it. Your situation is toxic and you need a survival plan.

Don't let him keep you trapped and helpless.

You deserve so much better. You certainly do not deserve the callous disrespect he is force-feeding you.

mixedintherut posted 8/22/2013 10:30 AM

So, last night I decided I was going to start writing. I wrote my feelings/my thoughts for the day right before bed, so I felt a sort of "release" for the moment, from those feelings. I sent emails to counselors, my main concern is cost, as we do not have health insurance, and I am a stay at home mom. I have an appointment set up for IC which is something I should have done, asap with the first A.

It's not just us in the lease, we are in a "roommate" situation with my brother and his FI, which was stupid, and I know it.

I have started the 180, even while living in the same household. He is a truck driver, so the weekends, when he is home are going to be a lot harder. I am already trying to find ways to keep myself busy out of the home, or have him take our daughter to do stuff out of the home. Basically avoid him as much as possible. Since Sunday when he left for work we have talked for less then 10 minutes, and I have not talked about anything but our daughter. If he tries to ask anything about me, I immediately get off of the phone. I am forcing myself to eat as much as I can, I haven't had any bouts of feeling as though I was going to fair or anything so that is good. I have also started exercising, and working on house projects that I had previously been putting off.

I know that IC is going to help me, no matter what the outcome is for the A or our M. I know that I survived without him the first time, I can survive again. But, I want to do more then survive. I want to be happy.

undonelife posted 8/22/2013 14:09 PM

Mixed. Did u finish the schooling u started after the first affair? Use that training & look for a job. Does he keep the car at his work while he drives. Is there bus service where u are? If yes ask fir the car while he is gone or use the bus & look for work. Visit social services & tell them you are in a emotionally abusive relationship & need help getting out. & getting an Attorney. File forD and shock him. You don't have to go thru w D but it might shock him. Would your bro /FI hp you kick him out & you all stay there? Look for solutions and get away from him. Doesn't mean you wi be apart forever but may make him realize this to e SI t gonna be like the last time & that youve had enough! You may find yourself happier without him this time.

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