Oh how I wish I could be independent, that I could support myself financially, that I didn't have so much to lose....
I wish I had the freedom to walk away... because I'm certain I would.
But I am dependant on my husband, he provides me with a comfortable lifestyle and that, in turn, means that I don't have to burden my family (especially my elderly parents) with worries. They are blissfully unaware of my situation.
But it leaves me trapped...
I rarely post as I try to progress forward and not dwell too much on my FWH's past misdemeanours as we are now 4 years out. I thought we were doing quite well (or have I been kidding myself?) as things have generally been much less turbulent over recent months. That said, I had a major upset in April when he got totally paralytic whilst out with me at our friends' house, scared the hell out of me coz I thought he would die from choking on his vomit after he'd thrown up twice on the bathroom floor - which I then had to clear up! I felt like he'd not shown enough restraint and it demonstrated a lack of respect for me.. so not a good night.
Then I had to post again in June when I had an issue with trust again... http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=499214&HL=26242
After I'd spoken to him about the incident, he assured me that there was no planning involved - it was purely a spur of the moment thing.
So I try and get over these upsets and focus on the here and now, move forward and give him the opportunity to prove to me that he has learned from his mistakes and that he really is a better husband...
Which brings us to a week ago...
He has just taken a new job which involves a lot of foreign travel so whilst he was home for a couple of weeks, he had to go the passport office to obtain a second passport for his work. This involved a train journey of some 40-odd miles which his company would pay for. I said I would not go with him, partly because we didn't really have the money to pay for my train fare and also because I would not be allowed in the passport office with him, so it would have meant me waiting around in an unfamiliar town on my own. I was happy for him to go and sort this on his own while I stayed at home.
Well, to cut a long story short, I got a few strange vibes off him that day - the fact that he didn't phone me at all (which he normally would do). He did reply to my text messages, but they were brief and I was the one who instigated the communication. The content of the messages suggested to me that something was a little amiss. All very subtle, but clues nonetheless.
When he arrived home in the evening, he was a little distant. I just got the feeling that he was hiding something. During my conversation about his day, I asked him if he'd spoken to anyone during the day. He replied "No, only the person in the passport office and some guy on the train." But still I felt there was something he was not telling. He mentioned something about getting on the wrong train and said "We got off." When I questioned him, he assured me that he had said "I got off" implying that I was imagining things or making things up!!!
When I questioned him again about who he'd spoken to he said, "Oh, come to think of it, there was someone else." He explained that whilst he was trying to find the passport office, he asked directions from some builders and a girl who was also trying to find the passport office, overheard him and ended up joining him so they walked to the office together. He also said he helped her out as she needed a reference number that had been emailed to her so he lent her his Blackberry phone so she could access her emails and get the number. He told me that once they went into the passport office that was the last he saw her.
I kind of believed him, but there was something niggling away at me, something about his story, his text messages, that didn't ring true.
Without going into too much detail, I woke in the night, still mulling everything over in my head, I couldn't sleep so I went downstairs. My husand came down to see what was the matter, so I told him I was having trouble believing his story. I told him I wanted the truth. Well, after further denials, anger at me for questioning him, I think he knew I was not going to let it drop, so he confessed..
He told me that he went to the pub with her after they came out of the passport office as she wanted to thank him for helping her!!!! He also said they then went into the town and killed some time going round the shops (although they separated in the shops) before they went to the train station to get the train.
Boy, was I mad. Seriously... I was absolutely ready to leave... and I believe that's what I should have done. But I'm too scared of the consequences... too scared of the pain and disruption it will cause to my elderly parents who happen to think that the sun shines out of his proverbial A**e!!!
And how about this? He told me that he thought this girl "batted the wrong way" - how convenient!!! So typical - trying to downplay a situation, make out that it was so completely innocent. He said he didn't think he'd done anything wrong!!!! Oh, the only thing he regretted was lying to me about it!! But he only lied because he knew I'd kick off if he told me!! Too right!!!
Oh yes, and get this... he told me she said she offered him a drink for helping her out.... but apparently he bought the drinks!!!! With his company credit card!!! Trying to impress?????
Angry doesn't even cover it. How can he do stuff like that after all he's put me through - and still expect me to love him and for our marriage to thrive????? It doesn't make sense AT ALL!!!!!!
And he says he respect me!!!!!
I could go on and on, but what's the point???
Oh dear, maybe this shouldn't be in the Reconciliaton forum...