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Struggling so much.. what is happening?!

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mysticpenguin posted 8/18/2013 18:34 PM


We are in an open marriage / open relationship

[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 6:15 PM, October 25th (Friday)]

LosferWords posted 8/19/2013 00:03 AM

What is your husband doing to work on his depression issues?

Depression can be very crippling and detrimental to individuals, and also to relationships.

I honestly had to swallow a lot of pride to address my own depression issues, but once I did, things became quite a bit easier on a day to day basis living with myself, and interacting with my wife.

At the bare minimum, I think he should be seeking IC to address his depression and anger issues, IMO. Is he doing so?

Take care.

mysticpenguin posted 8/19/2013 00:20 AM

He is very opposed to IC. He says he has experienced this before and "figured it out."

I just feel helpless.

[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 6:16 PM, October 25th (Friday)]

LosferWords posted 8/19/2013 00:32 AM

He is very opposed to IC. He says he has experienced this before and "figured it out."

I was very opposed to IC, too. And "very" is an understatement in my case. My depression just became very overwhelming, and my wife eventually said something to the affect, "You need to figure out something to do. Seek some counseling. Anything." And she was opposed to counseling, too.

Looking back, I'm so glad I went, though.

Maybe take the approach that he should seek counseling, but he has the power of choosing who his own counselor is? That helped me. I made it a mission.

I feel really horrible that you are feeling shut out and shut down. I hope you know it is not because of you, but because of the issues that your husband is having. You don't have to put up with it, and I hope he realizes that, too. Sometimes simply saying, "I don't have to put up with this" can be a real eye opener.

Best of luck, and strength to you.

Knowing posted 8/19/2013 06:47 AM

Depression is depression. If he still has normal moments, is going to work, playing on his phone, it doesn't sound like depression, it sounds like he is stonewalling you.

He may feel guilty, regretful, sad and shameful about what he did, or getting caught, whatever the case may be, but not clinically depressed. Could he just be selfish, self-absorbed, passive-aggressive and self-pitying? A WS is a truly broken person, who has terrible coping mechanisms and lousy communication skills.

Has he ever been diagnosed, by a Dr? If it turns out to be diagnosed, true depression, that should be addressed first and then the reasons for his A should be addressed and then the M can be repaired.

If it is truly depression, he should be encouraged to see a Dr every day until he finally agrees or can be cajoled into going. If I were you I'd get family involved in convincing him.

You can heal with or without him. In the meantime reading books about co-dependency, and doing the 180 on your part may greatly help with your needs that your WS is unable to/unwilling to help you with right now?

brokensmile322 posted 8/19/2013 07:44 AM


Mystic, you cannot R with yourself. Period.

I have read your last few posts. Depression aside, your WH seems to be stonewalling you.

What is happening? You are trying to SOLVE this....alone. So you keep approaching him, rehashing it in different ways, asking in different ways, not asking and seeing if that works, tiptoeing around...all in an effort to fix it.

You cannot do it alone. You cannot make him do it with you. He has to want to do it too. He might be saying that he does want to R, but it is in the actions that the truth is found.

I have had depression. It is debilitating. He needs to go to someone to help him with it. If he has desire to R, he needs to do it.

I think you really need to decide what you need to R. You are not in R right now.

Part of what you need is probably for him to get himself the help he needs.

You need to spell it out, have consequences and what are your deal breakers, etc...

Then you need to back up and let the chips fall where they may.

You tell him you want to R, you are willing to try, but he needs to do something too. It is up to HIM.

RIght now, he has you scrambling. Take back control Mystic. Define what you want, what you need, what you are willing to do. And then back up. It really is up to him.

"Don't spend time beating on a wall, hoping it will transform into a door. ~Coco Chanel"

mysticpenguin posted 8/19/2013 14:06 PM

Thank you for the replies.

Redacted. We are in an open relationship

[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 6:16 PM, October 25th (Friday)]

mysticpenguin posted 8/19/2013 14:10 PM

Darn it. I don't have the smartest smartphone.

Meant to say, general insecurity, which is partially my own inborn problem.

I'm going to continue reading about codependency and I guess taking it one day at a time. (Not easy for me, the girl with a plan a, b, c and d for everything.)

[This message edited by mysticpenguin at 6:16 PM, October 25th (Friday)]

alphakitte posted 8/19/2013 14:20 PM

There is no excuse for poor behavior.

He is choosing to hurt you.

Knowing posted 8/19/2013 17:46 PM

The 180 is not cruel at all. It has nothing to do with him. have you read it? With the 180 you can set appropriate boundaries with your verbally and mentally abusive WS and truly take care of yourself at a time when you desperately need it. By your own admission, you are in a crisis. He can't help you heal right now, for whatever reason but it doesn't mean you have to put your own personal recovery on hold.

I think I can posted 8/19/2013 18:04 PM

When you describe what he's doing, I don't see signs of depression. I definitely see signs of him being a dick.

(however, not an MD)

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