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Do you ever reach a point

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getting_stronger posted 8/18/2013 18:37 PM

Where you have to make a conscious effort to stop dwelling on it? To stop focusing on the negative things- the fact they cheated, why they cheated, if they will cheat again. Not necessarily rug sweep, but just chose not to let it consume your life and every little aspect of it.

I'm only 3 months past DDay, and I'm exhausted. I feel like the more I think about it, the more it hinders us from actually recovering from everything. Like I just can't get past it and move on if I keep thinking about it.

OldCow18 posted 8/18/2013 20:14 PM

We just hit 10 weeks past d-day yesterday and I can relate to what you posted. I'm exhausted as well. But knowing I should maybe 'put it away' for periods of time and actually doing it are 2 separate things, kwim? Even when the stars align and I have a little bit of time that my mind is actually, gasp, on something else, it doesn't take much for it to crash right back to thinking about the EVERYTHING is a reminder for me. Ugh.

Flatlined123 posted 8/18/2013 22:04 PM

In a couple weeks we will be 4 years out and it has only been in the past few days I've begun to feel like this.

I feel like I know all I'm going to know. If I have more questions H will answer them for me when I ask.

I just think I'm ready to make this be in our past.

That said, if you don't have a spouse that is working hard at this with you, it may not be so easy.

SoAngryAndHurt posted 8/19/2013 14:34 PM

I would love to know the answer to this as well. I'm also only a couple of months out and think about it 24/7. When I'm alone, at work. With the kids.... I never stop thinking about it. I want to stop but can't. Our MC says you can train yourself to control your thoughts but I can't seem to do it. I usually think about it so much I get totally worked up and angry. It's not helping anyone.

kansas1968 posted 8/19/2013 14:47 PM

Yes, you do, but not at three months out. We are coming up to three years in December, and I still think about it every day, but it is not exausting. It is just there in my mind, just like the grocery list, and my hair appointment.

I still have some not so good days, but they are much, much, less.

It is a long road in the best of circumstances and I think if you just accept that it will be a long road and just take step at a time, the time will pass quicker. Don't focus on the length of time, but focus on how you feel. Share those feelings with your FWS and let him try to make you feel better.

Mom-of-4 posted 8/19/2013 14:58 PM

Yes. The reality is you have to be VERY intentional at times to NOT think about it to survive- or to hold onto a great moment or what is supposed to be a great day- like a child's birthday, your friend's birth of a child, your parents anniversary party etc. You are only 3 months out- there were days for me for the throughout the first 2 years where I lost days! I hate to say it but I just did. I would be angry as hell all day, or so sad that I cried all day. These days were all so painful. I wish they had not happened but they did. I just had to process my WH affair. It was so unthinkable to me and so impossible that when I found out it was like the most incredible person I had ever met died in a terrible incident. I grieved the man I married and I grieved for the loss of the fantastic marriage I had. It has been 4 1/2 years. I don't think about it all the time, I don't cry anymore, I'm thankful for keeping my family intact and my WH truly loves me now for ME. I didn't realize that he didn't love fully- he wasn't capable- but he didn't know it either. It was all HIS fault. I couldn't change and be a better wife because I was a great one- not perfect- but a perfect wife for him and he missed it. We are loving each other the best we know how now. It's not perfect- but the alternative, divorce with children is too, would be like throwing in the towel on something that we know can work. I'm sorry you are here. It will get better if he stays sorry, finds out WHY he did what he did and tells you how he will prevent it from happening in the future. He needs to prove to you every day he is worth the sacrifice you make to stay.

sisoon posted 8/19/2013 16:45 PM

I tried that about a year out. Didn't work.

The quickest way through this, I'm convinced, is to let the feelings flow with only a few guidelines - no breakdowns behind the wheel ever, no breakdowns in public unless you can't help it, no breakdowns while taking care of kids who can't take care of themselves, and the like.

If you shit off the feelings, they'll go underground and, probably, bite you when you're least prepared.

Look at it logically - you pretty much have to devote energy to your feelings around being betrayed. To suppress them, you have to increase the energy you spend - now it's energy for feelings + suppression. Then the feelings grow underground. In the end, you'll spend the energy on feelings + energy on suppression + energy on 'interest' - it's a lot easier just to do it as it comes.

JMO. YM may V, but I don't think it will....

Mom-of-4 posted 8/19/2013 16:51 PM

I completely agree with sisoon! You have to grieve and process the feelings/emotions that arise because such a betrayal.


blakesteele posted 8/19/2013 17:11 PM

Two times in my life I have referred to my "drug years"...time passed and I cant say for sure how it went, what I did. I caution you to avoid your own drug years...I think if you try to suppress and move past this trauma rather then move through will not be helpful in the long run.

First was when my parents divorced...the 1-2 years during that time period are "lost". I have two brothers...we all agree it was a wierd and disorienting time...cant recall many stories or happenings during that time. We are in our forties now and the memories of day to day life during that period still elude us. We hardly looked at the negative during this time...very much survival mode. When it passed, we had no reason to revisit...but we should have...may have made me aware of my FOO that affected my marriage.

Second time in my life is this, when adultery was invited into my marriage. While I have grown and matured as a man, many many days and events have passed that simply are not part of my immediate memory. Even holidays...I remember sleeping on the living room floor at my sister-in-laws home during Christmas....much of that holiday is "lost". I attribute this to doing that which you speak of...relaxing the negative, focusing on the positive.

Not sure if this ties into this post very directly..but it does speak to where our minds are at during this traumatic experience...and how it works to mitigate the harm that it does.

I feel the reason we focus on the negative is in an attempt to learn to recognize a danger we were so not accustomed to looking for or protecting we learn most other hard lessons, such as not to touch a hot stove.

The difference here is we viewed a stove with an indifferent sort of attitude...neither comforting or harmful. We were NOT indifferent to our spouses. We DID see them as safe and protective of our marriage. Their choice to committ adultery, therefore, takes much more effort to reconcile what just happened. Our pendulum has farther to shift to come to grips with what just happened then it did with the stove scenario.

Getting back to your post getting_stronger.

3 months out is not very long. I was still in shock, hardly in touch with my anger, still thinking my wife was working on rebuilding our marriage only to find out she still was in the fog...and all the hurtful actions associated with was a tough tough spot.

Try to lean into the pain...don't minimize it...try to normalize it. Read, get IC, exercise...and let the marriage rest for a bit. Many WS are not receptive to getting any comfort or help from you that early you can waste a lot of energy during this phase. I know, I wasted tons.

It is tiring. Hang in there. Gently...anger is will be scary....try to prepare for that as best you can.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 5:14 PM, August 19th (Monday)]

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