I'm only 3 months past DDay, and I'm exhausted. I feel like the more I think about it, the more it hinders us from actually recovering from everything. Like I just can't get past it and move on if I keep thinking about it.
I feel like I know all I'm going to know. If I have more questions H will answer them for me when I ask.
I just think I'm ready to make this be in our past.
That said, if you don't have a spouse that is working hard at this with you, it may not be so easy.
I still have some not so good days, but they are much, much, less.
It is a long road in the best of circumstances and I think if you just accept that it will be a long road and just take step at a time, the time will pass quicker. Don't focus on the length of time, but focus on how you feel. Share those feelings with your FWS and let him try to make you feel better.
*Winners never cheat and cheaters never win*
The quickest way through this, I'm convinced, is to let the feelings flow with only a few guidelines - no breakdowns behind the wheel ever, no breakdowns in public unless you can't help it, no breakdowns while taking care of kids who can't take care of themselves, and the like.
If you shit off the feelings, they'll go underground and, probably, bite you when you're least prepared.
Look at it logically - you pretty much have to devote energy to your feelings around being betrayed. To suppress them, you have to increase the energy you spend - now it's energy for feelings + suppression. Then the feelings grow underground. In the end, you'll spend the energy on feelings + energy on suppression + energy on 'interest' - it's a lot easier just to do it as it comes.
JMO. YM may V, but I don't think it will....
First was when my parents divorced...the 1-2 years during that time period are "lost". I have two brothers...we all agree it was a wierd and disorienting time...cant recall many stories or happenings during that time. We are in our forties now and the memories of day to day life during that period still elude us. We hardly looked at the negative during this time...very much survival mode. When it passed, we had no reason to revisit...but we should have...may have made me aware of my FOO that affected my marriage.
Second time in my life is this, when adultery was invited into my marriage. While I have grown and matured as a man, many many days and events have passed that simply are not part of my immediate memory. Even holidays...I remember sleeping on the living room floor at my sister-in-laws home during Christmas....much of that holiday is "lost". I attribute this to doing that which you speak of...relaxing the negative, focusing on the positive.
Not sure if this ties into this post very directly..but it does speak to where our minds are at during this traumatic experience...and how it works to mitigate the harm that it does.
I feel the reason we focus on the negative is in an attempt to learn to recognize a danger we were so not accustomed to looking for or protecting against...like we learn most other hard lessons, such as not to touch a hot stove.
The difference here is we viewed a stove with an indifferent sort of attitude...neither comforting or harmful. We were NOT indifferent to our spouses. We DID see them as safe and protective of our marriage. Their choice to committ adultery, therefore, takes much more effort to reconcile what just happened. Our pendulum has farther to shift to come to grips with what just happened then it did with the stove scenario.
Getting back to your post getting_stronger.
3 months out is not very long. I was still in shock, hardly in touch with my anger, still thinking my wife was working on rebuilding our marriage only to find out she still was in the fog...and all the hurtful actions associated with that...it was a tough tough spot.
Try to lean into the pain...don't minimize it...try to normalize it. Read, get IC, exercise...and let the marriage rest for a bit. Many WS are not receptive to getting any comfort or help from you that early on...so you can waste a lot of energy during this phase. I know, I wasted tons.
It is tiring. Hang in there. Gently...anger is coming...it will be scary....try to prepare for that as best you can.
God be with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 5:14 PM, August 19th (Monday)]