Two times in my life I have referred to my "drug years"...time passed and I cant say for sure how it went, what I did. I caution you to avoid your own drug years...I think if you try to suppress and move past this trauma rather then move through it...it will not be helpful in the long run.
First was when my parents divorced...the 1-2 years during that time period are "lost". I have two brothers...we all agree it was a wierd and disorienting time...cant recall many stories or happenings during that time. We are in our forties now and the memories of day to day life during that period still elude us. We hardly looked at the negative during this time...very much survival mode. When it passed, we had no reason to revisit...but we should have...may have made me aware of my FOO that affected my marriage.
Second time in my life is this, when adultery was invited into my marriage. While I have grown and matured as a man, many many days and events have passed that simply are not part of my immediate memory. Even holidays...I remember sleeping on the living room floor at my sister-in-laws home during Christmas....much of that holiday is "lost". I attribute this to doing that which you speak of...relaxing the negative, focusing on the positive.
Not sure if this ties into this post very directly..but it does speak to where our minds are at during this traumatic experience...and how it works to mitigate the harm that it does.
I feel the reason we focus on the negative is in an attempt to learn to recognize a danger we were so not accustomed to looking for or protecting against...like we learn most other hard lessons, such as not to touch a hot stove.
The difference here is we viewed a stove with an indifferent sort of attitude...neither comforting or harmful. We were NOT indifferent to our spouses. We DID see them as safe and protective of our marriage. Their choice to committ adultery, therefore, takes much more effort to reconcile what just happened. Our pendulum has farther to shift to come to grips with what just happened then it did with the stove scenario.
Getting back to your post getting_stronger.
3 months out is not very long. I was still in shock, hardly in touch with my anger, still thinking my wife was working on rebuilding our marriage only to find out she still was in the fog...and all the hurtful actions associated with that...it was a tough tough spot.
Try to lean into the pain...don't minimize it...try to normalize it. Read, get IC, exercise...and let the marriage rest for a bit. Many WS are not receptive to getting any comfort or help from you that early on...so you can waste a lot of energy during this phase. I know, I wasted tons.
It is tiring. Hang in there. Gently...anger is coming...it will be scary....try to prepare for that as best you can.
God be with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 5:14 PM, August 19th (Monday)]