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Sigh...he still doesn't get it (update)...

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emotionalgirl posted 8/18/2013 20:10 PM

Well....WS came home at 2 am after the party he was at. He had texted me at 11pm " how are you", I responded but got no answer for 45 min. I am pretty sure he texted me instead of OW by mistake, and I told him so.

Today we had what I call the " come to Jesus" conversation. I explained that his continual lies about texting and visiting OW are destroying our marriage and that I don't trust him at all. He got upset that I was monitoring him! ( Ha.he has no right to be upset). I told him that if he has nothing to hide then he shouldn't need to lie and hide. Asked why he felt the need to hide and lie, his response and I quote " cause I knew me being friends with her would just upset you ". Well DAH, what an idiot!!! I clearly stated to him that he told me himself this W has feelings for him, and that he has lied continually about his contact with her. I said a W who makes herself a confident to a married man, texts inappropriate texts and does not care that she is causing issues in a marriage is clearly not wanting just a friendship, and that speaking from a W point of view I can say that she wants my H and he is too stupid to see that and that I hope when our marriage falls apart they are very happy together. He just gets all defensive and says she isn't like that. I asked him to introduce me to her, he said he would, we all know that will never happen. We are now stuck in a circle where he wants his cake and to eat it too and I am just tired of the fighting. I mentioned MC again, he talked around it and wouldn't give me an answer. No one needs to tell me that he is turning this back on me making me to blame to appease his guilt and that she is more than just a friend. I know all these things, my eyes are wide open.

I wish you all knew my WH he truly is a big naive idiot who loves to feel needed and rescues people all the time. I am a strong Independant well educated woman who can do almost anything for myself. I remember him saying something a few years ago about me not needing him and I told him. I didn't marry you cause I needed you I married you because I love you and wanted you around, I kept you around all these years for the same reasons. I think that she fulfils something in him that I can't, like that inherent need to rescue and be needed.

He has admitted through the years that he would be lost without me, his family and friends say I am the best thing that ever happened to him. I have always been the wife who went the extra mile. I am one of those neurotic organized people, so I do all the house work,laundry, shopping, pay all the bills handle all the investments. Walk our dog etc. all he ever does is clear snow and cut grass if he living at home ( he sometimes works away, I have NEVER had reason to doubt him). I bake regularly, cook all but one night a week all on top of a M-F 50 hr work week. I still found time to go out with him and do fun things with him, he has never wanted for my companionship.

Somewhere in the midst of this mess of the last few months I have lost myself, my confidence and my independence. Now I am done and I am tired of the fighting. My IC has been encouraging a version of 180, it is time to implement. He will either wake up and realize before it is too late, what he has to loose or he won't. I have some weight to lose and a house to get in order so going to be busy I also need to find myself again and make me happy because dammit I am worth it! I think that I am more afraid of what people will say if my marriage crumbles than how and if I will be ok ( we have always been the couple everyone wanted to be, hell up until this whole thing started months ago we still held hands all the time). I am worth so much more than this bullshit, and if he doesn't want me then so be it. He can have his
" friend" but he can't have me too. The line is drawn in the sand...up to him if he chooses to stay on my side with me or cross it to be with her. (An interesting side note he has forgotten he gave me legal POA years ago when he travelled for work all the time...means I have access to ALL of his assets and money,kinda gives a girl a sense of peace knowing the finances will always be under my control).

I Tot mad a few weeks ago and swore I was putting me first, I let him lead me into a false sense of security and didn't follow through. Feeling heart sore 💔yet strong, relieved and peaceful to have made a decision to put ME first. Will keep seeing IC and live life day by day! Only time will tell wether we R or D either way, nothing will happen over night or in the next weeks or even months.

Thank you all for listening and letting me vent, may we all find peace happiness and get everything which we truly deserve in life. ((((Hugs)))) to all!

kansas1968 posted 8/18/2013 20:49 PM

I am glad you are going to do the 180. It is time, he is in the fog, and being tough is really your only chance of saving your marriage. If it doesn't work, then he is not worth keeping. If the fear of losing you does not snap him out of this, then you are better off on your own.
You should not be in a marriage that keeps you this upset. A marriage should mostly be a loving thing that make you happy. Not a paranoid, anxiety ridden, wreck!
Hugs and good luck.

emotionalgirl posted 8/18/2013 21:12 PM

Thank you Kansas you are right...when I read the info on the fog, it is exactly where he is right now. Only time will tell and like I said I am worth so much more than this crap! I refuse to live like you a paranoid anxiety ridden wreck! Which is what I feel like I have been since the first D day.

Gr8Lady posted 8/18/2013 21:52 PM

Yup. Time for 180 put boundaries in place and mean business.
WS needs coffee mug... Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing!

emotionalgirl posted 8/18/2013 22:20 PM

I was helping my niece make coffee mugs for her parents as a gift.....maybe I need to make that one for him! LOL

crazynot posted 8/19/2013 00:08 AM

Just one thing... doing the 180 in the same house with someone who you know is cheating on you is a difficult way to feel strong. You would not do yourself any harm by seeing a lawyer. Ultimatums rarely work in my opinion - they just make someone who's behaving in a bad way feel all the more rebellious. You lose nothing by saying 'I won't be in a marriage where someone doesn't respect my feelings' and following through with legal action or asking him to move out. Much more likely to make him get his head out of his ass, if that's ever to happen.

Nature_Girl posted 8/19/2013 01:08 AM

I think you need to talk to a lawyer. Just talking to a lawyer doesn't mean you must file. It does mean that you'll get useful information. It's also empowering and will send a very strong message that you're taking the infidelity very seriously.

NeverAgain2013 posted 8/19/2013 07:37 AM

He has admitted through the years that he would be lost without me, his family and friends say I am the best thing that ever happened to him. I have always been the wife who went the extra mile. I am one of those neurotic organized people, so I do all the house work,laundry, shopping, pay all the bills handle all the investments. Walk our dog etc. all he ever does is clear snow and cut grass if he living at home ( he sometimes works away, I have NEVER had reason to doubt him). I bake regularly, cook all but one night a week all on top of a M-F 50 hr work week. I still found time to go out with him and do fun things with him, he has never wanted for my companionship

Sadly enough, I've come to find that this is one of the most THANKLESS jobs you'll ever do.

Being the beast of burden and doing everything at home - plus working full time - is one of the most thankless things I've ever done. All it did was make me resent the fact that I was working my fingers to the bone for an unappreciative jackass who had WAY too much time on his hands to act like a jerk.

THAT'S what doing all that labor will get you.

Never again (hey, that's my name!)

Stop doing everything but wiping his ass. Honestly, it will get you NOWHERE, and certainly NOT appreciated. So stop immediately.

EmotionalGirl, he 'gets' it just fine. Unless he's completely learning challenged and has the IQ of a stink bug, he gets it. He just chooses to play dumb and unaware because he WANTS to continue doing exactly what he's been doing. Truth is, he just doesn't CARE enough to want to stop or to try to make things right, and until he does, all the yelling/begging/screaming/crying/bargaining/sweentness/love in the world ain't gonna change it.

You need to do a compete about-face and engage BIG TIME in the 180. I wouldn't even draw this guy a glass of water or heat him up a Hot Pocket. Cut him off at the knees COMPLETELY.

Twitchy posted 8/19/2013 07:53 AM

Never mind. I think to hard about stuff sometimes.

[This message edited by Twitchy at 7:55 AM, August 19th (Monday)]

alphakitte posted 8/19/2013 09:09 AM

EmotionalGirl, my husband also needed to rescue people, preferably women.

Google and read up on the KISA (Knight In Shining Armor) syndrome, I found it to be VERY informative.

You can establish your personal boundary that you won't be in relationship with your husband when he can't, or won't, establish appropriate boundaries.

This friend of HIS, is no friend of HIS MARRIAGE. Enough said. He keeps her, then he is comfortable actively depreciating his, and your, marriage. He chooses not to see it this way because he wants what he wants. It is as simple as that.

You can not make him choose healthy boundaries for your marriage, but you can choose heathly boundaries for you.

tushnurse posted 8/19/2013 09:25 AM

(((Emotional Girl))))
Sounds like your are finding your strong. Good for you.

If you haven't seen an attorney yet, I would suggest that you do sooner than later. You need to understand how this will play out, should he not get it. 180 for you, for you to find center, and become stronger, who you used to be. Don't do it in hopes that he will get it. In fat many waywards don't get it until they are thrown out on their ear, or recieve the D papers, and sadly some never get it.

But you do, you know you didn't cause this, you didn't make the bad decisions, and yes you do deserve much much more.
Either way this plays out, you also know that you will be ok. Better than ok, stronger, and happier.

((((and strength))))

whattheh posted 8/19/2013 10:31 AM

If you haven't done so yet what about doing a background check on OW. This will let you know what you are up against and possibly expose a chink in her armour. Does she have a job which might frown on adultery? Does she have assets that she might fear losing to you in an alienation of affection lawsuit if this causes marriage demise and your state allows this. I would not threaten her but just gather information. But do keep a journal and pictures of his truck at her place, get his phone records and texts, etc.

I personally believe that OPs when they know the man is M are being aggressive and hostile towards the faithful spouse and family. The WS is extremely guilty too and utimately responsible, but in my mind this OW is inserting herself in your M.

Have you considered involving your H in all the activities that you do or is he just lazy? Maybe he needs to feel needed by you if he has KISA tendencies.

If he won't go to MC would he attend a legitimate marriage enhancement program? This might help him to "get it".

Whores who go after married men are pretty aggressive sexually so I' d be very skeptical that she isn't servicing him in some way already (esp. Since they are meeting in private). Else why would he keep seeing her at the risk of your M. What is he getting from her that keeps him going back? They can be extremely manipulative. Is she of a childbearing age?

[This message edited by whattheh at 10:48 AM, August 19th (Monday)]

emotionalgirl posted 8/19/2013 11:49 AM

I spent much of the last year going with my good friend to attorneys for her divorce she really needed the support. She and I work in the same job and our H work the same jobs. I am fairly well versed in what are my rights at this point. I live in Canada so the lawsuits regarding alienation of affections etc would be different here. I would have to look into that. He is definitely a KISA kind of guy that is for sure!

I have FULL control of our finances other than one account which is his alone which I can view the activity on
( it is a long story as to why). He also does not carry credit cards he has them just never carries them as he hates debt and I make sure to pay the bills on them if they are used
( with his money). I can therefore say that he is spending no money on her at all as he never has cash only debit cards. Purchasing liquor before going over to see her is the only expense. I think that is one of the draws...she likes to drink with him whereas I only drink socially ( my WH is a functioning alcoholic).

As for her what little I can get in info she works a dead end job with very little income. My WH can not have children ( we found out 20 years ago) so she is in for a surprise if she thinks she can trap him that way. I am not totally denying that this may be a PA I just have no proof to say it is. He and I have not had an intimate relationship in 9 months due to a major surgery x2 in that area which was not successful the first time and then had to be repeated ( double inguinal hernias the size of cantaloupes. ) 8 weeks recovery each time.

I truly think this started out as her making friends via one of his buddies who lived in the same building. She saw a man who works hard at a job that everyone knows earns good cash, likes to help out as well as party and figured he would be a good catch ,he unbenounced to me was feeling a little insecure and disatisfied in our marriage and his life (can anyone say mid life crisis!) She then inserted herself in his life as a confident and he just got totally attached and suckered. Like I said a big niave idiot ( you really have to know him) I truly believe this W wants MY life and thinks she is going to get it if she hangs on long enough.

I am 180 for ME and only ME as I know he is too involved in himself and her to get it and I need to make myself strong and healthy. I have been giving my whole self to everyone around me for so long I am running on empty , this is why IC suggested a version of 180 in the first place. I am nearing a mental and physical breakdown at this point and this situation has driven me close to the edge. I am a VERY stubborn woman so I won't be filing for D. I can live 180 just for me for a very long time and I own lots of batteries lol. He will be the one to lose in this and if he wants out he is going to have to file. I have moved into our spare room today and If he was unhappy before wait until later this week when he has no clean laundry and has lost his devoted slave aka wife! He will start to get curious and ask what is wrong and I will tell him. I will not be in a marriage with someone who has no respect for me or our marriage vows, I can live as a room mate with him paying ALL the bills for a VERY long time!

Got my mad on now...never mess with a scorned wife!

whattheh posted 8/19/2013 21:08 PM

I'm very sorry you find yourself in this situation. Hope you are recovering okay from your surgeries. Your H should be at home by your side taking care of you.

emotionalgirl posted 8/20/2013 01:21 AM

Thanks but it was him who had surgery and the asshat is recovered just fine...chooses not to use the parts with me!

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