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Was going so good- now what is happening???

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jennie19 posted 8/18/2013 21:23 PM


This is my first post, although I found out about my husband's EA last October. He ended it that day and I have no doubts that he's had no contact with her. We decided to try to stay married and went to counseling for several months. I was all for working on the marriage until recently. This past summer, I guess I just feel that I work on things more than he does, although I do see improvements on his part, but I feel he does the bare minimum to keep things "ok." He's also developed some not so great habits recently that I didn't see the extent of before we were married two years ago, like excessive video games and pot smoking, which were in extreme moderation before and tolerable. I feel hopeless right now. I guess I was so happy that he wanted to stay married, that I neglected my own needs, and focused on keeping him happy. Now that things are settling down, I'm realizing how unhappy I am with him. My thoughts and moods are from one extreme to another all day long. I've brought up his bad habits & he doesn't see a problem- in fact he said he thinks things are so good between us now & thinks I'm "digging" for things to be upset about. I'm going to see a therapist this week for personal counseling- he thinks it's because I've held a lot in (no one knows about his EA), but really I just need some advice. Is this normal to feel these past 3 months of resentment and unhappiness so suddenly after having six good months after d-day? I'd appreciate any feedback or similar experiences. I don't want to have these feelings after working so hard. As a Christian, divorce is a last resort for us, but everyday is feeling awful, with no relief... Btw, nothing sudden happened to make me start feeling unhappy. I would have really moody days now & then, thinking it was part of the healing process, but then it would get better again. But around June, the bad days just started and never went away since. Please help...

jjsr posted 8/18/2013 22:01 PM

This is what is called the rollercoaster of emotions that go along with this ride no matter if they had a EA, a ONS or a LTA or hookers or any combination of things.
If your husband is doing the minimum then maybe that's why your are feeling the way you do because he isn't doing what he needs to be doing.

Josephine01 posted 8/18/2013 22:34 PM

Just wanted to let you know that you have been heard Jennie19.

jjsr is right you are going through the emotions that a BW feels. Your H is picking up some bad habits and ignoring your feelings in the process. In the back of your mind you may be thinking that this could lead to something else?

My H also has a way of thinking just because he is happy about our M that I should be. I don't let him think that anymore.

I guess I was so happy that he wanted to stay married, that I neglected my own needs, and focused on keeping him happy.

IMO this should have been the other way around. He should have done everything possible to make up his EA to you. Although I feel into this trap for a long time. You may finally be beginning to feel like he not considerate to your needs. Which sounds like it may be the truth.

Has he shown remorse? Established NC with the OW? Become transparent with you? These are signs that he is remorseful instead of regretful.

Others will be along to give you some more advice later.

jennie19 posted 8/19/2013 12:38 PM

Thank you so much... I never thought of the difference between remorse & regret... I guess regret is the more selfish of the two? He has had NC with her. I have to correct, it was a PA, I'm still getting used to the abbreviations. Your insights are spot on, I only wish I hadn't let it get this far, and held up the boundaries instead of so much compromise & toleration... Thank you for understandidng. This feels so lonely...

tushnurse posted 8/19/2013 14:48 PM

Along with doing the bare minimum to R, what has he done to heal himself, to get to the root of why he allowed himself to make the horrible choices he made?

If he's not doing the work, and not figuring it out, then you probably have a sense of unease, not knowing if and when it will happen again. For me this was an essential part of R. I had to have proof he got it, and fixed it so that I could feel safe again.

The fact that he has these crappy coping mechanisms (smoking dope, and xbox) and feels that your concerns aren't valid also is not good. It's disrespectful.

Might be time to lay down some new requirements for R. If you are unhappy, and adultery has been involved, and he isn't doing the work, then why is D a bad option? As a fellow Christian, this is the one instance that D is acceptable. If God says it's ok why aren't you ok with it?

Life is short, and can be ripped away in an instant. I strongly recommend doing what you need to, to be happy and fufilled.

alphakitte posted 8/19/2013 14:55 PM

I only wish I hadn't let it get this far, and held up the boundaries instead of so much compromise & toleration...

That was then, this is now. It is easier to live authentically if you are honest about how your feelings have changed. Now that you know that your H wasn't honest with you, and betrayed you, you aren't willing to tolerate other poor behavior from him. It is that simple.

Adultery can snatch the wool off your awareness and the whole package can be a dealbreaker.

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