what Take2 said - do you want to be plan B?
The key here is this: first, decide what you want. And yes, I think S helps with that. It gives you some space to truly think about the situation without the WS trying to interject his/her feelings into it.
For this purpose, I think that at least a few days of NC at the beginning of the S is vital. You need a little time to make your decisions and plans.
During that time, decide if you think R is possible, or if you are going directly to D. If it's D, then you just continue with the NC (no contact other than what is absolutely necessary to move the D along).
But if you feel you want to try R, it is vital to have a plan. What do you need to happen to make R a possibility? Decide clear guidelines for R, and stick with them.
My example: My now-X left a note and was gone one night while I was at practice for the church praise band. The note was full of things about him not knowing if we were really over yet, and that he didn't know if we were through, but he just had to be with her and "find out".
Load of crap, is what it was. He thought he was going to be able to just keep me dangling there as a backup while he did whatever he wanted.
Instead, I came up with a plan for when (not if, but when) he called wanting to come home. Which happened two days after he walked out.
The plan was this: I would not allow him to move back home for at least one year. He had to quit seeing (and obviously, living with) her. And we had to go to counseling. And none of that was a guarantee - it was just my conditions for even attempting R. Break any of them, and we were done.
During the time apart, I realized that I'd had enough of putting up with his emotional/mental abuse that I'd been dealing with almost all of our 10-year marriage. And I discovered after about 2 1/2 months that he had never really quit living with her; he had been lying about it and had friends covering for him the whole time. (BTW, it was only 2 1/2 months because before that, I was trying to give him a chance... by that long in, I knew he wasn't "all in' on the R, and I wanted to find out if what I suspected - that he was still with her - was true.)
Bottom line - the S gives YOU a chance to decide what you want instead of allowing her to decide for you. And it gives you time to decide what you need from her to consider R successful, or to even have a chance at it.
If someone isn't willing to meet reasonable conditions like the ones I gave, it's obvious that they aren't serious about making changes, stopping the lying and cheating, and dedicating real effort to the M.
You may not discover everything. You may not get closure on anything. But you will get clarity if you realize that you don't have to just let her call the shots and hope she comes back. It's much better to have a plan and be firm on what you expect in your M.
[This message edited by osxgirl at 10:41 AM, August 21st (Wednesday)]