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Need to put my Feeling in written Word

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jrr111800 posted 8/18/2013 23:21 PM

First, I would like to start by saying that we my BW and I are now a little over a month from DDay. The first say week was full of denial, and TTing from my end. Mostly because we were on vacation far away from the sanctity of our home and friends. My BS friends were everywhere there but mine they were in AZ, WA, OH and..these are men I will need in these difficult time.
I have to say, it has been a rollercoaster month. I am overwhelmed by the grace my BW has shown me. I canít stand not having within eye sight, she takes a nape and I sit in the living room anxiously waiting for her. All these feeling are the same as when we first met. I couldnít function during my day cause all I wanted to do it get done with work and get her arms. I love this women to the core and I always have. Which leads me to my own self-evaluation. What happen to that guy in the beginning and where did he go and why has he showed his deceitful, lowlife, selfish ass in the middle years. I have been doing some real soul searching and when that DDay showed up and the next few weeks to follow, that man who fell in love with that wonderful redhead in a bar 14 yrs ago finally has come out of his selfish haze and had run smack dab into a wall of shame, regret, remorse. Which has played a amazing role in my hard journey back to building the trust I so quickly dump for no gratification except a small fleeting ego boost.
I know I am a long, long , long away from getting something anything close to what we had, but I feel My BS is starting to understand me a little better and I certainly am picking up on some subtle clues she gives me. Not having to be told, but I can see what makes her tick. Why it took 13 yrs and 3 children is beyond me, Maybe I am just dumb but smart enough to recognize that I have completely destroyed any credibility.
My BS and I have one of the most amazing conversations while laying bed about what makes us tick and what would keep us on this path of returning happiness to marriage. My love for her is unconditional and I want her to know. I want show it everyday.

nowiknow23 posted 8/19/2013 16:35 PM

jrr - It sounds like you and your BW have started down the right path. It will take time time and more time to rebuild the trust, but if you continue to keep the communication paths open, and you continue to check your work along the way, you can only go up from here.

LA44 posted 8/19/2013 19:22 PM

Your wife sounds amazing. Me and my fWH had some incredible talks shortly after D-Day too. And like you, he barely let me out of his sight.

I hope you do the introspection needed. This is a tough road. Sometimes the grace of the BS temp runs out. Fill her bucket and don't stop.

Best of luck.

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