SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

PurpleRose posted 8/19/2013 01:37 AM

Every time my boy comes home from a weekend at Disneyland (aka: the Dooosh's house) he is a mess.

He is angry because of some fucked up revelation his Parent Of The Year decided it was time to reveal, or he is mad that he has to go back and forth between two homes, etc.

This time he is a mess because he wants to take a trip with the Doosh. He has it all planned out in his little 10 year old head. Problem is, school starts next Monday. (He told me tonight: Since I have 3 more weeks of summer Dad said we could go to xxx for a short trip if you say it's ok!)

Ehh. No.

Why in Gods name is he telling my son this bullshit?? First of all, he has EOW. No more "summer vacation" days. Second of all, he wouldn't get to just arbitrarily decide on more visitation anyway.

I'm not sure whether my son brought up the trip (doubtful) or the Dooosh did, but either way the only appropriate response would be to say "hey let me run this by Mom before we start making any plans"

We (the children and I)have things happening this week- ortho appointments, etc- that he is probably unaware of because reading a google calendar is a skill ExDoooshbags don't practice regularly. If he thought at all about how his son would feel, he would NOT get his hopes up in the first place!!

So now son is upset because he doesn't have 3 weeks left, because his dad doesn't have more visitation this summer (but dad can take vacation time! He told me he has lots if that!). Great conversation to have with a 10 year old, don't you think?

So I get to be the one dealing with sadness created by a complete and utter lack of parenting. Way to go Disney Dooosh!

Do your babies come home a total wreck every freaking time!?? When does this get better??

click4it posted 8/19/2013 01:42 AM

ick sorry purple. It sucks, it really does. my kids used to come home all out of whack and it would take them a day and a half to adjust. I HATED it. I DREADED it. You do the best you can to help them adjust back and bite your tongue as much as you can.

my ex would always tell the kids stuff before running it by me and make me like the total bad guy.

yeah the Disneyland dads don't get it and I only hope yours does in time.

it gets better when they are teens and able to start adapting to the adjustment and start seeing the Disneyland dad for who he is.

tesla posted 8/19/2013 03:51 AM

I'm sorry your kiddo is getting jerked around like this. Small consolation, but it will only take a few more incidents like this before he stops believing the doosh.

Teslet is younger so he comes home messed up in other ways. It just sucks.

Bluebird26 posted 8/19/2013 05:24 AM

Yep. My son is also 10. He is angry/anxious at least 2 days prior to going and for at least 3 days on returning. It's become a cycle I hate.

My son also has some special needs so it's going to be a long time before he gets it and has been let down enough to not believe the Disney Land parent any longer.

My oldest son has already got it. He has chosen not to have anything to do with his father now for about 7 months. He is a different child. Much more settled, happier and achieving really well in school.

courageous posted 8/19/2013 06:26 AM

My kids are a lot younger. They come home over indulged, forgotten all of their manners, and very needy because they spent a lot of time in front of video games and not actual time with their father.

I'm tired of having to over compensate for their idiot of a father.

PurpleRose posted 8/19/2013 07:02 AM

My teen has already figured out that she wants nothing to do with him, his bribery tactics don't work with her.

It makes me so mad for all of the kids! Why can't these people see how messed up their behavior is? I know he thinks he is hurting ME, that's transparent. But the only reason it is hurting me is because it makes my innocent kids hurt!

In the long run they are the ones truly suffering- my girls who have nothing to do with their father, and my son who struggles with this EOW "fantasyland" crap. Ugh. What happened to this man? I swear I would never have pegged him for a vindictive jerk but that is exactly what he turned out to be- and HE is the cheater who wanted a divorce!

SBB posted 8/19/2013 07:24 AM

My little girls come back all out of sorts. I just know he is making them feel shit about themselves for just being kids just like his own mum did.

My 5 year old turns to water whenever she does something wrong now, even if it is an accident.

Then there's the lack of sleep - his grand parenting idea is to leave them in a room as bright as the sun with toys spilling over right next to their beds and if they make a sound he goes in and turns every single light off and shuts the door to leave them screaming.

Or separates them by putting my 3 year old in his bed to fall asleep so my big girl feels like she is being punished by being left alone when she didn't do anything.

I can tell because they come back hoarse. Can you fucking imagine it? Unfortunately it is not illegal so there is absolutely zero I can do about it.

I have to switch every few days as we're on a 2/2/3 cycle. I honestly don't know how I have managed to stay calm on the days they are with him. I think I've gone numb about it - or I'm in survival mode just trying to get them through it with as little damage as possible.

So yes - I hear you mamma. As Tesla said unfortunately these kids will learn they cannot trust them. It is very cold comfort and not helped by the fact that I feel like I'm delivering them to him just for him to fuck them up.

I cannot think of anything I hate more in this world. Not a single thing.

((PR and Kids, hell, all of us and our kids))

tryingagain74 posted 8/19/2013 08:34 AM

Yes. Mine are always overtired and very cranky. They usually snipe at each other, and I have to be the heavy and bring them back into line. The next morning, though (probably because they've had a decent night's sleep), they are usually back to their normal selves. DS #1 also often has several things to tell me that are disappointing to him (about his dad or stepfamily), so time spent at XWH's house is slowly but surely chipping away at XWH's "perfect family" facade. I can't say that I enjoy it much, though, because it hurts DS #1.

Nature_Girl posted 8/19/2013 10:53 AM

My kids also come home out of whack, overindulged with scads of new toys & games purchased, malnourished and heads full of ideas that STBX put there just to make me out as the bad guy when I dash them. And we don't even have overnight visitation yet.

standingonmarble posted 8/19/2013 12:34 PM

Bouncing back and forth sucks and made even worse by a dooshbag.

Sounds like your 10yo doesn't understand time very well. I had to get my kids a calendar to keep track of where they were and what was happening for appointments and such. It might help him understand better and give him some confidence about his schedule. It did help my girls come to terms with the two house shuffle and eventually they learned to manage their time better.

[This message edited by standingonmarble at 12:35 PM, August 19th (Monday)]

TrustGone posted 8/19/2013 14:12 PM

Luckily, mine are now grown, but you can read the lastest from my recent post.

But, yes at the time my DS would come home disrespectful and rude. It would take days to get him to understand that we had rules, schedules, etc... Dad didn't work so he used son as his favorite past time. My son didn't understand that we had to get up and he had school and I had to go to work. I put him in counceling for 2yrs to help him try to understand that not every household was a free for all. It didn't help. His dad was a manipulator and did everything he could to make me out to be the bad guy. My son would pitch tantrums whenever he didn't get his way, had to do homework, clean his room, etc... At 14 he decided he wanted to live with his dad (grandparents really) and I couldn't stop it. He is just like his Dad now at 19 and I pity the woman he ever gets in a relationship with. Hopefully your kids will fair better than mine did. He even talked my son into joining the military instead of going to college. My son was very smart and there was a major college right in the same town they lived in. He could have easily gotten scholarships there. I am not bashing the military, but he would have been so much better off going to college than fixing trucks in the military. Hopefully when he goes overseas and gets away from his dad he will see what a mistake he made and what a selfish prick his dad was (dad didn't want to help support him after the child support and the SSI he got for my son was cut off).