I know it is all our responsibility for what we did,and it is not to blame the BS, but maybe you had a revenge affair because you were betrayed either by emotional disloyalty (sexual or otherwise) or physical disloyalty.
I will start, I had a revenge affair after my BH had an EA and rug swept it, and was disloyal emotionally, not being there for me emotionally but I have emails where he offers another woman his time/ear. He wasn't even there for me when my grandpa died, but he offered to be there for another woman after her husbands convoy lost a man, why would she need help for that???
Anyways, what led you there? Where you too mad to think straight, then it happened, were you only trying to make BS jealous? I was, but I am so stupid I actually ended up going too far!
What is wrong with people like us, a lot obviously, but really what is it?
2002/3 (him) EA
Tog. 14 yrs, Marr. 13 and counting!
I had a RA. XH still has no clue.
My rationale: XH was cheating, rubbing it in my face. XOM was very, very, very handsome & very, very, very young. RA lasted for over a year. Totally screwed up; however, something to throw in XH's face, should the occasion ever arise.
2+ years since ending it, still hasn't. However, it's still in my back pocket, waiting to be used as damage.
I guess I'm kinda a shitty person. I like to think I'm not & if XH hadn't of cheated, I wouldn't have either. But ...
Anyhow, if her excuse is she cheated because she wasn't happy, why shouldn't I get a chance to play the field. I've never been so miserable in my life. To be quite honest, I just really need a friend to talk to about this and love me back for the next couple of weeks so I can get back on my feet. A PA is SOOO far from my needs.
His reasons to cheat were selfishness and just thinking only of himself. He didnt seek mow out but didnt turn her down. If I cheated I would be seeking it out and no better than the home wrecking married whore who sought out my wh. For me it would be to cause the most damage and be as fucked up as I possible could.
But I don't want another woman's cheating h nor do I want to be the mow or hurt another woman! im not that fucked up. I don't want to be a piece of shit.
It wouldn't make me happier or a better person. I wouldn't be proud about it if my kids found out. In fact to my kids id end up being such a hypocrite and im sure they would be devastated because...i would turn into a liar and a become everything Their father had been and let them down and showed them both their parents had no ethics or integrity.
I like sitting on my high horse. I like being an honest person. I like my daughters being proud of me and looking up to me.
So I will pass on sneaking around, and screwing around. Thats just a no brainer in my book.
Mow had been a bw. So it sickens me she new how badly it hurt and that she pursued my h.
As a bw I would never do that to another woman or her kids. Thats just inexcusable and sick.
I knew it was wrong, but I was young and dealing with FOO issues. I am not excusing it, but it did open my eyes to alot of things. Especially about myself. I knew that I had noone but myself to depend on, so I went to college and got my degree and when the time came when I had enough of XWH#1's bullshit, I filed for D and have never regretted it. I am glad I went through that because it made me see that a RA is not the answer to anyone's problems. It just piles on more shit to the shit sandwich we are were made to eat as a BS.
'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Relax, everything’s out of control” – Adi Da Samraj
In fact wh said "go ahead, have one of it'll make you feel better".
Never did but in the early days I thought about it. I wanted wh to hurt as bad as I was.
This really had nothing to do with revenge and I will never tell H about it. It was to make me feel good about myself, that I was desirable and beautiful and wanted.
It was to help my bruised ego, and for me to feel my OWN power again. Now I still hurt about H's EA, but not with the same kind of pain. The pain before was like I wasn't good enough and that's why he had an EA, now I KNOW that I am more than enough.
We still have a lot to work through but I feel that if I hadn't had RA I would be way further behind. It helped heal some of my esteem.
I will NEVER tell H about it and I will never do it again but I can't deny it helped me.
The pain before was like I wasn't good enough and that's why he had an EA, now I KNOW that I am more than enough.
Because someone else out there was willing to have sex with you?
Betrayedtwice you had an A, you're minimizing and justifying your reasons for it and your reasons for keeping it a secret. If you are attempting R how is it is okay for you to lie? Self esteem is something you must build in yourself, the actions of others should not be how you build it or feel better about yourself. That path leads down the road to continue seeking that type of attention.
As for the original post, my SO doesn't see his actions as a RA. He feels he's done nothing wrong because he never physically put his penis inside another woman. There is no such thing as an EA to him and since his actions will never be as bad as mine he has no reason to feel badly about them. Since his actions were not physical then he did not betray me and he has no idea why I have reacted with such pain. So that's his view on it.
[This message edited by Unagie at 12:25 PM, August 19th (Monday)]
"There are times when our reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind." Patrick Rothfuss
[This message edited by MC_Jack at 12:32 PM, August 19th (Monday)]
[This message edited by MC_Jack at 3:25 PM, August 19th (Monday)]
Surrender to the truth of life.
Am I proud of it? NO however, it brought the change and strength that I needed. Would it help others? Very individual thing. Do I recommend it? NO!!!
There's something quite off-putting about a thread seemingly made to garner support and validation for incredibly self destructive and terrible personal choices under the guise of commiserating.
I don't believe in RA, I only believe in fucked up people making fucked up choices. You don't get to blame it on your spouse any more than I get to blame it on my fucked up childhood.