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stupidgurl posted 8/19/2013 02:43 AM

I want to know what led to anyone else's revenge affair?

I know it is all our responsibility for what we did,and it is not to blame the BS, but maybe you had a revenge affair because you were betrayed either by emotional disloyalty (sexual or otherwise) or physical disloyalty.

I will start, I had a revenge affair after my BH had an EA and rug swept it, and was disloyal emotionally, not being there for me emotionally but I have emails where he offers another woman his time/ear. He wasn't even there for me when my grandpa died, but he offered to be there for another woman after her husbands convoy lost a man, why would she need help for that???

Anyways, what led you there? Where you too mad to think straight, then it happened, were you only trying to make BS jealous? I was, but I am so stupid I actually ended up going too far!

What is wrong with people like us, a lot obviously, but really what is it?

Vulcanized posted 8/19/2013 05:21 AM

This is a rough one.

I had a RA. XH still has no clue.

My rationale: XH was cheating, rubbing it in my face. XOM was very, very, very handsome & very, very, very young. RA lasted for over a year. Totally screwed up; however, something to throw in XH's face, should the occasion ever arise.

2+ years since ending it, still hasn't. However, it's still in my back pocket, waiting to be used as damage.

I guess I'm kinda a shitty person. I like to think I'm not & if XH hadn't of cheated, I wouldn't have either. But ...

1ost0ne posted 8/19/2013 08:09 AM

SG, thanks for starting the thread. I was wondering the same thing. As we have started our MC, my WW has said problems with our marriage (I thought we had a good marriage) and that's what led her astray 2 times. There were stresses in the marriage so she looked elsewhere instead of working on the issues. The MC has already identified that she has trouble speaking up and sharing her feelings. I can't correct what I don't know is broken.

Anyhow, if her excuse is she cheated because she wasn't happy, why shouldn't I get a chance to play the field. I've never been so miserable in my life. To be quite honest, I just really need a friend to talk to about this and love me back for the next couple of weeks so I can get back on my feet. A PA is SOOO far from my needs.

Kiddingmyself posted 8/19/2013 10:00 AM

My FWH' s cheating is one of the lesser ways he has hurt me, actually. I fantasize about him finding out that I've cheated and the pain I hope it would cause. But, although I've had plenty of opportunities, it's just not on my to do list.

sunflowergirl30 posted 8/19/2013 10:22 AM

I dont think me revenge cheating would hurt my wh. But It would hurt me. My wh would then just see me as no better than him. In fact i would be worse and a big slut in his eyes...

His reasons to cheat were selfishness and just thinking only of himself. He didnt seek mow out but didnt turn her down. If I cheated I would be seeking it out and no better than the home wrecking married whore who sought out my wh. For me it would be to cause the most damage and be as fucked up as I possible could.

But I don't want another woman's cheating h nor do I want to be the mow or hurt another woman! im not that fucked up. I don't want to be a piece of shit.

It wouldn't make me happier or a better person. I wouldn't be proud about it if my kids found out. In fact to my kids id end up being such a hypocrite and im sure they would be devastated because...i would turn into a liar and a become everything Their father had been and let them down and showed them both their parents had no ethics or integrity.

I like sitting on my high horse. I like being an honest person. I like my daughters being proud of me and looking up to me.

So I will pass on sneaking around, and screwing around. Thats just a no brainer in my book.

sunflowergirl30 posted 8/19/2013 10:26 AM

Awww, misread. Thought the post was about someone wanting to have a revenge affair! My bad.

But...

Mow had been a bw. So it sickens me she new how badly it hurt and that she pursued my h.

As a bw I would never do that to another woman or her kids. Thats just inexcusable and sick.

sunflowergirl30 posted 8/19/2013 10:28 AM

Awww, misread. Thought the post was about someone wanting to have a revenge affair! My bad.

But...

Mow had been a bw. So it sickens me she new how badly it hurt and that she pursued my h.

As a bw I would never do that to another woman or her kids. Thats just inexcusable and sick.

TrustGone posted 8/19/2013 10:28 AM

I posted about this the other day in the waywards forum. I had a RA about 30yrs ago when I was in my early 20's. My XWH#1 had already had several A's and was a mentally and physically abusive alcoholic. I guess I was looking for my KISA (he was handsome and my boss) at the time. It took me years to get over that the OM didn't really give a rat's ass about me, but I thought I was so in luuuvvve at the time. Now I see it for the bull shit it really was and I am ashamed that I ever lowered myself to that level and never have again.

I knew it was wrong, but I was young and dealing with FOO issues. I am not excusing it, but it did open my eyes to alot of things. Especially about myself. I knew that I had noone but myself to depend on, so I went to college and got my degree and when the time came when I had enough of XWH#1's bullshit, I filed for D and have never regretted it. I am glad I went through that because it made me see that a RA is not the answer to anyone's problems. It just piles on more shit to the shit sandwich we are were made to eat as a BS.

uncertainone posted 8/19/2013 10:33 AM

Honest question. If you didn't tell your spouse how is it a revenge affair? Isn't that the point? If they don't know how does that work? If its just your secret isn't that an affair without the punch?

rachelc posted 8/19/2013 10:43 AM

I had an affair and then my husband had two - 6 months after DDay.
If you had to write a paragraph about it you would say, she had an affair and then he did, after 24 years of marriage. Seems like that would be a RA, and I'm sure he used my affair as justification. But, I don't think he set out to have two.
he was messed up big time!
Because of his two affairs, it has been almost impossible to recover. Don't do it.

DragnHeart posted 8/19/2013 10:48 AM

When we were in MC the guy said that if I had an RA it wouldn't have the same shock value and hurt wh because he would be expecting it.

In fact wh said "go ahead, have one of it'll make you feel better".

Never did but in the early days I thought about it. I wanted wh to hurt as bad as I was.

Sal1995 posted 8/19/2013 11:03 AM

Not a big fan of the term "revenge affair." It implies that the choice to have an affair is mitigated by another person's bad behavior. I don't buy that. If sexual infidelity is not behavior that you are otherwise inclined to engage in, then I don't see how anyone else's bad behavior can make you something that you are not. If your WS's affair is a dealbreaker, then get divorced and have all the honest sex you can find.

betraydtwice posted 8/19/2013 11:09 AM

I had a RA This is something H is unaware of. I am aware that many people are against it, but I have to say that it helped me immensely. My self esteem had been shattered by H's EA. H was not there for me the way I needed emotionally.

This really had nothing to do with revenge and I will never tell H about it. It was to make me feel good about myself, that I was desirable and beautiful and wanted.

It was to help my bruised ego, and for me to feel my OWN power again. Now I still hurt about H's EA, but not with the same kind of pain. The pain before was like I wasn't good enough and that's why he had an EA, now I KNOW that I am more than enough.

We still have a lot to work through but I feel that if I hadn't had RA I would be way further behind. It helped heal some of my esteem.

I will NEVER tell H about it and I will never do it again but I can't deny it helped me.

Sal1995 posted 8/19/2013 11:44 AM

The pain before was like I wasn't good enough and that's why he had an EA, now I KNOW that I am more than enough.

Because someone else out there was willing to have sex with you?

Unagie posted 8/19/2013 12:25 PM

T/j

Betrayedtwice you had an A, you're minimizing and justifying your reasons for it and your reasons for keeping it a secret. If you are attempting R how is it is okay for you to lie? Self esteem is something you must build in yourself, the actions of others should not be how you build it or feel better about yourself. That path leads down the road to continue seeking that type of attention.

End t/j

As for the original post, my SO doesn't see his actions as a RA. He feels he's done nothing wrong because he never physically put his penis inside another woman. There is no such thing as an EA to him and since his actions will never be as bad as mine he has no reason to feel badly about them. Since his actions were not physical then he did not betray me and he has no idea why I have reacted with such pain. So that's his view on it.

[This message edited by Unagie at 12:25 PM, August 19th (Monday)]

MC_Jack posted 8/19/2013 12:31 PM

If I had an A now, it wouldn't be for any kind of revenge. It would only be about me and wanting to know what another woman was like in all kinds of ways. For me to know and feel. Nothing in relation to WW. My own demons and desires and defects I suppose.

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 3:25 PM, August 19th (Monday)]

MC_Jack posted 8/19/2013 12:31 PM

Wow my first double post after 18 months.

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 12:32 PM, August 19th (Monday)]

VD2012 posted 8/19/2013 12:32 PM

There's something quite off-putting about a thread seemingly made to garner support and validation for incredibly self destructive and terrible personal choices under the guise of commiserating.

betraydtwice posted 8/19/2013 13:20 PM

I did not actually do the dead but I met up with an old friend, fully intending to do the deed. However, he was very receptive, but we ended up TALKING. But I might as well have done the deed since I consider it cheating.

Am I proud of it? NO however, it brought the change and strength that I needed. Would it help others? Very individual thing. Do I recommend it? NO!!!

tired girl posted 8/19/2013 13:21 PM

There's something quite off-putting about a thread seemingly made to garner support and validation for incredibly self destructive and terrible personal choices under the guise of commiserating.

This.

I don't believe in RA, I only believe in fucked up people making fucked up choices. You don't get to blame it on your spouse any more than I get to blame it on my fucked up childhood.

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