My antiversary is right around the corner.
I know you are doing this...but keep in mind for our spouses conflict avoidance and feeling suppression was ingrained in them at a very early age. This is what comes naturally to them, this mode of operation is genuine to them. It is not healthy, they know it, it limits them and made adultery an option...by your posts, your husband knows it.
It WILL be mechanical in nature as they learn a new way of coping. This doesn't mean it is any less real...
I know this because some of what comes natural to ME has changed...and it changed through a very mechanical, none emotional manner. I read books, I put the recipe in action, and I have a new batch of cookies made. KWIM?
I intend to repeat this process in other, long-standing modes of operation that I have that are NOT intimacy inducing and nurturing. As I do this it will be important that my wife accept that it is unnatural for me but that it is real....that it is a priority of mine to change my natural self to a better self.
For the record, I share your same fears....too critical of my wife, never feeling safe in my marriage again, my wife never satisfied in her marriage to me, etc. etc. etc.
I am not making light of these feelings...but they are feelings...subject to change.
I personally am working on control issues. Most of my fears come from lack of control. But I am accepting the fact that I have no control over anyone but myself. And this is a FACT not a FEELING.
I love my wife. This is painful as hell....most pain I have ever felt. I want to quit at times. We share a similar path....this helps me normalize my experience.
Don't read too much into him not doing something special for your antiversary...something that shows he isn't oblivious to the fact it happened. Gently....He did ask how you were feeling about it, you did tell him you weren't that fazed.
I think it highly likely he chose to let a sleeping dog lie...and that is all. I am pretty sure he is acutely aware of its occurrence.
It is easy to assign a mode of operation that you have to someone else....its how we relate. Expectations should be a part of this...you have been hurt. Even if our WS did not set out to hurt us, they made choices at some point that they KNEW it would hurt us. There must be amends done by them for these hurtful actions...and this is a fair expectation.
You are doing well to recognize his strengths and ways that he has changed.
You are strong, I enjoy your posts, they help me. I think this is just a short set back for you...you will make this.
It is one year...gently, it is just one year. Your foundation for R has been poured...the lumber is on its way and this year your new marriage will start to take shape...you will be amazed at the home that is going to materialize this year.
I know this through your posts, through others posts who have gone before us, and by the many books I have read....you are on the good path.
Just keep expressing yourself to your husband...if you feel he does not grasp what you desire to convey to him...try it again in a new way. I suspect if you think about it...he grasps much more the first time NOW then he did 10 months ago.
You might not be where you want to be, but thank God you are not where you use to be!
You might not have had a good start, but you can have a great finish!
Both are Joyce Meyers quotes that comfort me. I through them in here in case my words fall short of comforting you.
God be with you itsaclimb.