I realized that she owed me nothing. She was his "friend" and it was his responsibility to keep boundaries with her. She may have crossed them and opened the door but he could have closed it. Every time he stopped it, she would do something to bring him back but he always had the option to say no.
He told himself it was harmless, that he was just using her for "release" since our sex life had become so monotonous (going through infertility). Every time he told himself this he was lying to himself. I've seen some of the stuff that she sent him and I thought it was disgusting But I'm sure I mostly feel that way because of the context. She didn't see me as a real person nor did she care. She was getting the attention she desired from my H and vice versa.
He is actually the one who opened the door to the PA. He confessed that he had feelings for her 12/26, on 12/31 they consummated their "lurve". Based on how it was described to me she made the first move but he didn't say no. Sometimes I think he would let her do that just so he could feel blameless.
I know I'm rambling but I guess my question in all of this is how do I stop hating her so much so I can focus on R? How do I get over the fact that she's never going to feel any guilt about this and that her life goes on as normal?
Eta the part about the PA.
[This message edited by AML04 at 6:45 AM, August 19th (Monday)]
I am going to take your suggestions. And you're right, hate is not a natural emotion for me. I don't like the person I am when I'm feeling it.
Once he is able to find a new job and she is out of our life, it may be easier to let go of it.
OTOH I love my wife and want to spend my life with her, so in order to R for me I had to deal with all that anger and shit for her and get it out of the way of the positive times I wanted to move on to with her.
If you find that you are struggling with that hate and anger for the OP and you can find a way to let it go, awesome. That stuff can shave years off your life. For me the way I let it go was to stop trying to let it go and accept that I would hate this loser forever, and deal with it when I had to. Since I haven't had to deal with it past that it's meant more or less the same thing as letting go, for me. If he appears on my doorstep for some reason, well, I'll deal with that happy eventuality on the day itself.
It's not your feelings for OW that are impeding R.
In fact, they may make it possible, by giving you a focus other than your WS for your anger.
This is a process. You're going to feel lots of things. Suppressing feelings isn't the route to healing.
I do have to deal with my anger for H. I love him so much and want to R more than anything so it's hard for me to express it to him. I'm furious he did what he did and was able to justify it to himself for three years! But I know he sees it now and even if I don't understand his hows/whys, in my head I can see how it happened after a LOT of inadequate boundaries, unhappiness with himself and our inability to communicate that to each other.
I read something the other day that helped me. People who cheat are focusing more on what they are missing than what they have. That was him to a T.
It is easier to hate OW than it is to hate WBF but he definitely does not get left out of my 'hate list'. It was him that decided to invite her over that day when he slept with her, he decided to not cancel, he decided to get naked with her, he decided to have sex with her, he decided to have her spend the night, and then he decided to not tell me.
I know that a lot of my anger for OW is displaced, but as I said...it is easier to hate her
"It was easier for him to hurt me than it was for him to turn her down"
Yes I hate her. My hate for her will always be there because her actions are unforgivable. I don't believe that this hatred impacts my future with WH. That is a different relationship and betrayal to be mended if possible. The relationship with OW is a betrayal that will never be mended.
I love my H but still hate what he did... that will never change even after he earns my forgiveness.
[This message edited by whattheh at 11:18 AM, August 19th (Monday)]
I can partially forgive my WH because he's doing the work. The AP made the choice to have an A with a married man and he wasn't her first. I'm sure the AP's dysfunctional behavior will plague her and anyone she knows for the rest of her life. I wish the AP nothing but ill.
That's not healthy, but I realize what I'm doing and use it as a tool, so don't think it's horribly unhealthy, either. I use my hatred of the OW (and, YES, I do indeed hate her) to spur my own recovery. I realize he only saw her when she looked professional, when she planned to sleep with him (so her legs were always shaved, her nails always done, her hair always shiny and clean, etc.), when she wasn't exhausted or stressed. I'm working on making changes to myself I've always wanted to make but didn't have enough incentive to make--because there were always other fires (with four kids when are there not other fires?) to put out. But, because of my hatred of her, I'm being selfish for once.
I, too, know that someday I have to stop feeding the fire. That will be in my own best interests. But for now, I'm using every single tool in my box to help myself. That forgiveness tool--for her--is buried deep at the bottom. And I sincerely wonder if I will ever not smile a secret smile when she, someday, feels the hurt she's caused me. Who knows? I'm a big person, but I don't know if I'm that big.
My husband and I are well into what seems to be reconciliation, so my disgust for her (and for him, yes, but I loved him for 22 years before having the opportunity to feel hatred toward him) hasn't marred that. He has a saying that we're (in our family) only allowed to hate a certain baseball team, cats, and a particular pop group. Recently, when he shared that rule with someone, I added, "I could add something else to that list" and smiled, benevolently. It was priceless. He knew exactly what I meant without my having to get ugly and no one else was any the wiser.
I also call her Jezebel (because her name is similar to mine and mine shouldn't be tainted by hers). So he knows. As strange as this may sound, I'm hating her with as much graciousness as possible. My BFF and I (and now my soon-to-be-in-college DD who recently discovered her dad's A) joke about faux ways to get revenge on OW. It breaks the tension and makes my inability to hurt her like she hurt me seem more palatable.
[This message edited by RippedSoul at 12:56 PM, August 19th (Monday)]
The way I see it, I don't see the OM as worth the effort to get over hating.
Hate is not good for me, I know that. I don't hate my FWW, or very many people. I keep that list pretty short.
But, when I heard that OM has terminal cancer I bought a bottle of champagne and programmed Google Alerts to send me his obituary.
I have a revenge fanatasy of screwing the OW's BF, recording it and sending it to her. Of course I would never do it but I have "an eye for eye" when it comes to the OW.
I had a similar fantasy until I discovered that my FWW and her AP were trying to hook me up with his BW to "even things out" so they could continue unimpeded in their nefarious ways.
Talk about Unintended Consequences, would have been the RA Fuckup of all time. As it was, my actual RA was plenty bad enough.
Thanks so much for letting me know I'm not alone because it feels that way a lot lately.
But, at some point I realized that the problem wasn't with them. Yes, they contributed and they are not moral women. But, HE is the one I'm married to. After 4 OW and countless other internet chat women, they all start to blend together for me. HE is the one that I had to focus on if we were going to R successfully.
Why did he fuck 4 other women? Why did he stay up late at night to watch porn or talk to porn chicks when I was in our bed begging for sex? Why did he walk out on me/kids? What is he doing to repair all of the damage to us and to himself?
Once I took the focus off of the OW, we were able to work together on me/him/us. They could have been anyone. None were really all that special - even the one he left me for. And NONE could hold a candle to me!! Otherwise, he would still be living in that tiny apartment all by himself instead of in my bed every night.
The real problems were within him. Maybe it was a MLC. Whatever you want to call it, he was not happy during those 6 years and he chose to talk to everyone except me about it. Now, he is comfortable talking to me again. We have learned a lot about each other and what "real love" means to us.
Don't get me wrong though. If I ever see #2 in particular - she was supposed to be a family friend - I may be on the 6:00pm news!