"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt
Yesterday, I was getting ready for company. He was helping. First positive thing.
I was very weepy - on the verge of just breaking down - He came and gave me a hug. Second positive thing.
I went outside to do something, and saw him away from the house - texting away. This triggered me BIG TIME - even though I am not aware of texting when he was unfaithful. I made sure he saw me - HE KEPT TEXTING.
I went outside and asked, "You know how upset I am, and you know why. What can be so important that you would come out here and hide to text?" He said he was texting the kids to help me. I walked away.
Later on in the afternoon he took the family to eat, and to a movie. Ended up being just me and him at the movie. Third nice thing.
I had nightmare after nightmare last night about snakes. (I'm not afraid of snakes, but these were like 100 foot monster snakes and they were hurting my mother - wierd, I know!) Anyway, he put his arm around me. (Keep in mind that he has not touched me in - well years. So that was also very nice.
But I am awake for the rest of the night thinking about his texting. So I tried to go online - but the password has been changed.
So this morning I told him, and he gave me a password. It didn't work. I texted him to let him know I was locked out. Within 5 minutes he texted me with another password. It worked. Another good thing.
I checked his texts. He was telling the truth. He WAS texting our kids. A very good thing.
So why am I still mad? Why didn't I say, "Whew! ?
All in all, I can see many times yesterday that he made efforts - or at least was NOT doing anything 'wrong'.
Why is that not a relief to me???
This anger is litterally eating me alive.
Yeserday, I told him that I didn't know how much longer I could 'take it'. (Meaning the distance and 'fussing' in our home, and the lack of connection with him and I. I told him that I had dreaded a surgery that I will be having soon. But that lately, I have thought, "Maybe I won't wake up after the surgery."
I didn't say it to be mean. I can't help but wonder if that would make everyone better off.
I would NEVER harm myself. I'm not trying to hint at that. But...if the anesthetic took a wrong turn, I can't imagine the peace.
I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy