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WhatsRight posted 8/19/2013 09:11 AM

Yesterday, I was getting ready for company. He was helping. First positive thing.

I was very weepy - on the verge of just breaking down - He came and gave me a hug. Second positive thing.

I went outside to do something, and saw him away from the house - texting away. This triggered me BIG TIME - even though I am not aware of texting when he was unfaithful. I made sure he saw me - HE KEPT TEXTING.

I went outside and asked, "You know how upset I am, and you know why. What can be so important that you would come out here and hide to text?" He said he was texting the kids to help me. I walked away.

Later on in the afternoon he took the family to eat, and to a movie. Ended up being just me and him at the movie. Third nice thing.

I had nightmare after nightmare last night about snakes. (I'm not afraid of snakes, but these were like 100 foot monster snakes and they were hurting my mother - wierd, I know!) Anyway, he put his arm around me. (Keep in mind that he has not touched me in - well years. So that was also very nice.

But I am awake for the rest of the night thinking about his texting. So I tried to go online - but the password has been changed.

So this morning I told him, and he gave me a password. It didn't work. I texted him to let him know I was locked out. Within 5 minutes he texted me with another password. It worked. Another good thing.

I checked his texts. He was telling the truth. He WAS texting our kids. A very good thing.

So why am I still mad? Why didn't I say, "Whew! ?

All in all, I can see many times yesterday that he made efforts - or at least was NOT doing anything 'wrong'.

Why is that not a relief to me???

This anger is litterally eating me alive.

Yeserday, I told him that I didn't know how much longer I could 'take it'. (Meaning the distance and 'fussing' in our home, and the lack of connection with him and I. I told him that I had dreaded a surgery that I will be having soon. But that lately, I have thought, "Maybe I won't wake up after the surgery."

I didn't say it to be mean. I can't help but wonder if that would make everyone better off.

I would NEVER harm myself. I'm not trying to hint at that. But...if the anesthetic took a wrong turn, I can't imagine the peace.

boontje posted 8/19/2013 10:48 AM

WhatsRight, of course you are angry. I would be too. You and your H have not really dealt with his infidelity. Every time you post,you talk about how you DON'T ever talk about it. How can you let go of the anger if you don't ever deal with it? So yes, of course even innocent things he does are going to trigger the underlying anger you are still carrying around after all this time. Does he understand that rugsweeping his A has come at such a great cost? If he doesn't want to address the issues, then maybe it is time YOU start, and begin making decisions that are in YOUR best interest. ((what's right))

WhatsRight posted 8/19/2013 11:50 AM

boontje...

Thanks so much for your kind words.

I feel like such a hypocrite. I have been so angry and resentful at him for not doing his part in helping us heal. But now I'm not stepping up and appreciating the positive things he does.

I am beginning to wonder if this is a dealbreaker for me. I don't mean leave the marriage, but just not be able to have a real relationship with him.

Most days we get through, manage our home and family, but we are not happy. I am as sad that he is not happy as I am for myself.

I'm just having a rough day.

boontje posted 8/19/2013 11:58 AM

WhatsRight, I am wondering why you two do not discuss his infidelity. Have you ever been to MC or IC? Like you said, maybe it is a dealbreaker after all, but you still need to deal with it. You deserve way more than just living together and running a household. You have to believe that, otherwise you are just going through the motions of your life.

WhatsRight posted 8/19/2013 12:15 PM

When I first saw found out about the infidelity, I am afraid I behaved badly. I threw a TV. I rent my clothes. I screamed. I fell in a heap on the floor. I am not even aware of all the horrible names I called my husband and all the cruel things I said to him. I actually lost my mind, I think. (I was bedridden with mono when I found out. Not 3 months after the death of my father.)

I asked questions non stop. He responded at first, then not at all - complete shut down. Then a few counselors who told us he was temporarily insane at the time of his ONS, and that I should get over it. and move on.

Now, if I bring it up, or alude to it in any way, he leaves the room and is even more shut down from me (if that is possible) for days - sometimes weeks.

To be fair, he is an emotional cripple - terribly abusive FOO and childhood.

Anyway, we go to the after meetings of retrouvaille occasionally, and every now and then I can say something very, very gently and he responds with 'I'm sorry' or just gets quiet.

We saw 'The Butler' and I said that I had never been prejudiced one day in my life except for a block of time - I guess months - after I saw the picture of him with the prostitute (who was in an ethnic minority). I said that I hated all women of that ethnicity for a time. He just said, "I'm sorry".

I think its too late to fix anything. I am too hurt, broken, and 'finished' inside.

But I do want to make the best of our family and the rest of our lives. I have not stopped 'trying'. I just feel less successful as time goes by.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 12:16 PM, August 19th (Monday)]

WhatsRight posted 8/19/2013 12:19 PM

Oh, and to answer your question about counseling - he won't...says it didn't help before and won't if we go again.

He is afraid to feel. And he knows it will cause him real pain to deal with things.

Once, he told me that if he let down his 'wall' about some things, that he was afraid of what it would do to him.

I had a counselor tell me once that in cases of really bad past, (childhood), that it could be dangerous to relive some things.

I don't want to hurt him more than he is already. He feels shame and guilt. But even though I feel for him, I can't help my pain either.

We are such a messs!

jennie19 posted 8/19/2013 12:31 PM

I have no answers, but just want you to know i am going through the same thing- suspicion and anger that I feel will never go away, always over something as simple as a text, like you. I'm almost a year after d-day and i'm still overly paranoid and feel like life will never be normal again. Even if he does something as simple as staying up later than me or gets a phone call & I can't tell who he's talikng to- my mind goes crazy, non-stop, on & on. Even tiny things from the past that were resolved are still never proven in my mind. It's so crappy that we are the ones betrayed and have to feel insane in the aftermath. I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am that you are feeling that way & that you are NOT alone...

WhatsRight posted 8/19/2013 15:48 PM

thanks - I am just wondering how long this goes on???