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Newest Member: Maggie1000 (45722)

User Topic: I hate my gut...and the inability to prove it
Undefinabl3
♀ 36883
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, August 19th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is a new girl at the office and I am not sure but there may be some flags.

He never mentioned her before, but I met her briefly at a charity bike ride that DH was doing with his work. Apparently when she met me she liked me a lot, but I dont really remember meeting her.

So, DH never mentions her at all, never brings her up, but when she IS brought up - its always "yeah, she really likes you and wants to hang out" or "Yeah, she's the new girl"

The most recent was Facebook messages to this girl he works with...telling her days in a row to get to work. I mean, what man worries about another woman getting to work on time right?

When I said something about it, he laughed it off, and then deleted the messages altogether.

I do not have transparency. The information that I get is gotten via luck and accident. I have no passwords to just look into things. Everytime that I ask turns into a HUGE fight.

I don't really know what to feel at this point. DH's job gives him LOTS of free reign to move around and be out of the office for long periods of time. His past includes cheating with women at work, so the trigger is hard for me.

He is also acting remarkably calm for someone who is trying to stop dipping (a whole week nicotine free today actually)

I dont know....something just feels very off and I can't put my finger directly on it.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit
Phone Find 11/21/14 - I can't even right now.

Posts: 1815 | Registered: Sep 2012
imagoodwitch
♀ 23375
Member # 23375
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, August 19th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trust it!

Something is there, it may not be A related, it may just be something creepy.


I am just your ordinary average everyday sane psycho supergoddess - Liz Phair

Don't keep dancing with the Devil and wonder why you are still in Hell.

It's all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits.


Posts: 5481 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Munchkinland
TxsT
♀ 39996
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, August 19th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning

I have to say that, after this experience, whenever something in my world "just doesn't seem right" I openly tell my husband that I am feel off and why. I never keep such gut feelings a secret anymore and my husband has come to realize that we are now a totally open book when it comes to these types of things. Personally, your husbands reactions to your enquiries and his behaviour with face book are a huge red flag to me.especially without access to his accounts. I would start watching the phone bills for the cell phones. I would have already openly, and honestly, explained that I was completely unease about his contact with this person and ask him point blank if there is a connection with her emotionally. That's just how things work in our new reality.

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
confused615
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, August 19th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stop asking him about her..every time you do,it alerts him that she is on your radar. If there is something going on with her..or if he is hoping there will be, he will be very careful since you're already suspicious.

If you had a remorseful WH,once who was giving you full transparency,then going to him with your feelings would be the thing to do. But he isn't remorseful,and without transparency,the chances of him still hiding things is pretty high. So going to him will only cause him to hide things better.

Can you put a keylogger on his computer? Spyware on his cell phone? VAR in the car?

Also..considering his past A's have happened with co-workers,he shouldn't have any female friends on his facebook(or even have a facebook) that are not FOM. And certainly not a female coworker.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7898 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
strongerdaybyday
♀ 40264
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, August 19th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trust your gut or instinct or intuition...whatever you want to call it, it's usually right!


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 384 | Registered: Aug 2013
StepAside
♀ 29826
Member # 29826
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, August 19th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question: Why do you feel you need to "prove" it? HE has to prove to you that he is doing nothing to provoke the gut. If your gut is telling you something, listen to it, go ahead and find out what's going on.


Me 48yrs, king of douchebagastan- 50yrs STD infected bankrupt NPD sociopathic drunk thief
countless A's, he is a predator that targets losers like himself
Last Dday 04/12/2010-Divorcing if/when his cumdumpsters lend him some $ or balls to file

Posts: 1522 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Ingersoll Ontario
Ellephantastic
♀ 39833
Member # 39833
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, August 19th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have no transparency either, I completely understand how hard that is and how hard it is feeling that you need those passwords and that if they really had nothing to hide, they would be given.

Trust your instinct hunny, I hope things improve for you.


BS(me)
WBF = PA
Ow = 19(at the time)
WBF A = 08/10/2012-17/10/2012
D-Day = 24/01/2013

"It was easier for him to hurt me than it was for him to turn her down"


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Scotland
Undefinabl3
♀ 36883
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, August 19th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I haven't pushed it because its not a hill i am willing to die on yet...sad i know - i guess the denial thing is harder to get around then I thought.

Can you put a keylogger on his computer? Spyware on his cell phone? VAR in the car?

He's found the Keyloggers that I have put on there before, so I assume that he scans for them now. Since I haven't been bold enough to do it again I dont know if he is still looking or not.

I have thought about getting that SmartShepherd app for the phone that is basically a keylogger for the phone, the only problem is that is visable. There's a 'panic' button app that if you push it will 'send texts to everyone on your contact list that you are in trouble'...and you can't hid the app.

It is meant for kids, so that the parents can monitor their use on the phone. It also has a feature that allows you to listen in on conversations and GPS them...all under the guise of this 'panic button' app.

I just have a feeling that he would see through it, or that i wouldnt be able to lie out of it (saying that DS accidently bought it).

And the VAR in the car wouldnt work. He's not using his phone to text or call her. I have got all his numbers and they match up to phone records. He's not using more minutes or texting more at all.

That, and he gets a car for work, so he goes from his car to the work car when he gets there.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit
Phone Find 11/21/14 - I can't even right now.

Posts: 1815 | Registered: Sep 2012
Undefinabl3
♀ 36883
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, August 19th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The other thing is that nothing else is missing.

He's not using extra money, he's not using extra gas, he's always home on time or early, he's attentive when he IS home.

He is not married to his phone, when he's home its just lying around (i have the unlock for it). I can look at it whenever I want, but honestly, there's never anything there.

His Texts are cleaned up, his linked hotmail account is always empty, and the FB messanger thingy was the only slip.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit
Phone Find 11/21/14 - I can't even right now.

Posts: 1815 | Registered: Sep 2012
TrustGone
♀ 36654
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, August 19th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do not hate your gut. There are lots of "red flags". I know after DDay#1 (before SI) WH refused to be transparent with his phone. He kept it glued to his body and had it locked. After DDay#2, he finally agreed to transparency because he finally went NC with OW. The saying that if they have nothing to hide, they hide nothing is a true statement. If he is FBing other women he is crossing boundaries, but if you are not willing to climb that hill yet then nothing we say will make much difference one way or the other. BTDT. They always leave a trail, it's just being willing to follow it. (((HUGS)))


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
sparklezombie
♀ 40095
Member # 40095
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, August 19th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trust your gut. It's easy to get another pay as you go phone or another email account (Free). You gut is telling you something and you should listen. I don't understand why you don't have all of the passwords? If he's truly remorseful and sorry, you should have those. He should be open with you and never deleting texts or history. I might suggest a keylogger and a phone app that isn't visible. there are some suggestions in the investigative forum.


BS: Me
WH: Husband
One daughter - 22 months
Married 11.5 years
2.5 false R's.
Status: Divorcing.
You can't pick up a turd by the clean end. Time to flush the toilet.

Posts: 253 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere on the Eastern Seaboard
Ostrich80
34827
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, August 19th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your gut knows because its been here before. His forte is women at work and this one is sending you vibes. He may just be starting to test the waters with her but you know somethings making you feel this way. I agree, don't alert him anymore, if you want to know. OR maybe you can tell him, I've seen this before and I'm letting you know, stop before you get into something that's going to be inappropriate.

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 1:10 PM, August 19th (Monday)]


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5238 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Undefinabl3
♀ 36883
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Soooooo.....she's gay?

I friened her and her and her girlfriend? are all over it.

There's nothing online about them being a couple, but then, the job they are in is not really all that nice to openly gay people yet (sad i know, but it's one thing for people to 'know' another to actually be out and proud).

I asked another friend from work there what the story is and apparently its the truth.

Blah - DH says that she's new to the job, she's young, and doesnt want her to get fouled out, so he is kind of keeping tabs. There are not many girls in the field.

Still doesnt explain the deleted chat....


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit
Phone Find 11/21/14 - I can't even right now.

Posts: 1815 | Registered: Sep 2012
confused615
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe she is gay...or bisexual. It doesn't matter. What matters is your WH and the fact that he is deleting shit and won't give you transparency.

Every time you ask for transparency it turns into a huge fight? Ok. Then fight. FIGHT for it. Without it,you can NOT reconcile this marriage..either he does it..or it won't work. If that means he gets mad and has a hissy fit..so be it. FIGHT for it.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7898 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Topic Posts: 14

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