I am sorry you are in that state.
FWH here and I can relate. My story is very long and ugly. I have also had a lot of trouble with guilt and shame. One of the best reads I have encountered is in a book: I Thought it was Just Me - by Brene Brown Phd. LMSW. She is extremely thoughtful about empathy, shame, guilt, fear, blame, awareness, and reaching out for connection.
I had to drop all hope for a better past (like a rewrite of history) and to look at my present state, today, as an opportunity. You sound very aware and thoughtful. I would encourage you to not let this define your life but to use your history as a catalyst to become the man your family reserves.
Do the work, grow and become the man your family is proud of.
The past is gone, the present is here now and the future is not yet upon us. Do something today, now, to be the man you need to be.
Hang in there, it will get better,