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Making the choice

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Barni posted 8/19/2013 11:11 AM

We've decided to R.

Today is one week from D Day. WH has stuck to his story, so I'm hoping more lies don't slip out at some point. At this point in time, it doesn't matter. All I know is we need to try to put this behind us and move forward.

I spent a lot of time away from home and alone or with close friends this weekend. Was going to spend the night at my parents home on Saturday night, but I couldn't figure out the tv, the guest room was a disaster (they're in the process of remodeling) and so my friends took me home... I couldn't stay there.

I ended up having sex with WH that night, I was drunk. It was good though. I woke up feeling full of hope, that we can work through this. I had to borrow his phone to text my friend, because I left my phone in their car. While I had it, I looked at his texts, he was okay with this. He was sitting right there. He had told FIL snippets of what happened (didn't actually come clean to him about everything, definitely didn't mention that he solicited sex from 19 different CL ads,) and had told him he went in for an STD test. He had asked how things were, WH told FIL they had mellowed out (FIL said, "Must have done some fast talking son") and that he did a little "compare and contrast" from when I almost "ran out" on him. FIL then asked if I "went in and had a stick shoved up my ding ding. LOL"

I was hurt by that. Hurt that my FIL would imply that I had done something even close to what WH did, hurt that WH didn't respond to it and correct him and mostly hurt that they both thought it was a joking matter. This is my life. My love. And he wants to joke about something serious like an STD test during our MARRIAGE??? UGH.

My reaction to that caused him to lose his temper and he smashed his phone, saying that he was just going to get rid of it since it causes so many problems. We started having a conversation about his family and it sent me into a total breakdown (over the past two months, I've had more than one panic attack caused by his father and/or sisters... this is after not having a panic attack for almost a decade.) They are obviously unsupportive (not to mention stupid and completely inexperienced) and I have asked many, many times throughout the years that WH not talk to FIL about us. Period.

After that, he took me to pick up my phone and I stayed with my girlfriend for a few hours. He was worried about me. Texted me, my friend, my mom. I came home and we talked. He cried. I've been waiting this whole week for him to show me some sort of emotion. He cried and said he doesn't want to be the reason why I cry, that he doesn't want to hurt me anymore, he doesn't want to see me like this because of something he's done. That he wants to start fresh and treat me the way I deserve. I feel like we had a breakthrough.

We had sex again last night. I wasn't anticipating it, but it happened. It was great until the end, when he didn't reach orgasm. He did eventually, and he was turned on the whole time, but we've had a few problems with him not being able to orgasm during intercourse lately. I will bring this up in MC.

He agreed to stop discussing me or our marriage with his family. They are unsupportive, have no experience making a marriage work and have never truly accepted me as a part of the family. Tonight we will be sitting down and listing out our boundaries, what we need out of this marriage, and we may start the Love Dare. I want to make this work. I want to move past this all.

I know it's going to be a long process, my emotions are still incredibly raw, I'm still on the rollercoaster.

Does anyone have any tips and advice as to how to navigate the R?

tushnurse posted 8/19/2013 12:18 PM

R is tough. But done right can have a wonderful final product.

My advice to anyone considering R:
1. Don't blindly trust, because that is what you are supposed to do. That is balogna. The WS will tell you it's necessary to R, but it's not. Work toward trust. They need to understand that it is going to take a long time to heal. If your gut is telling you something is off, listen to it, and snoop. Be prepared for missteps, and backslides.

2. Make a list of your requirements for R. Make it very clear and concise. Like you are talking to a kid. Transparency is very important, and if he gets pissy about it, bet your hat he is hiding stuff still.

3. Prepare to follow through on consequences for his actions. Many of us, wanted to R that we don't follow through when there are missteps. The sooner you do, the sooner it all stops.

4. Get yourself some IC if you are still struggling with your own self esteem. Do not allow him to blame you in any way for his choices. Until he accepts, and owns what he did real R isn't happening.

5. Be patient with yourself. It's ok that you aren't "over it" in a week, a month, a year. If he is impatient, he probably doesn't get it.

Based on this post it sounds like he has had multiple indescretions, and if that's the case I would push hard for evaluation of SA, and if he is SA treatment.

((((and strength))))

Barni posted 8/19/2013 12:31 PM

Thank you tushnurse. I greatly appreciate your input and wisdom.

1. I'm definitely not blindly trusting. I'm not very trusting at all right now. WH knows this and he knows he has to work hard to regain my trust. He's talked a lot about how HE needs to fix this, HE needs to do whatever it takes to rebuild this marriage and my trust.

2. I'm expecting complete transparency from him. Since last week he's installed an app on his phone and our computer that sends me reports of any questionable websites he's visited. He's allowing me to look at all his texts, his pictures, his browsing histories, everything. He hasn't been upset about it at all, instead he's been very quick to give me whatever I need and want from him. We will be writing out more of this tonight.

3. I've had conversations with my parents and two very close friends. They've all offered to take me and our son in if we need it. I will not hesitate. I will not hesitate to take alone time if I need it. For 4 years since we had our son, I've put myself last. No more.

4. I plan on finding an IC soon... like this week. We attended my WH's IC session together on Friday and his IC wants to see me alone on Friday with a joint session immediately following. I absolutely believe IC will be very beneficial for me.

5. Thank you again. I'm trying to be gentle on me. It's been hard, but it's easier when I'm surrounded by loving, caring people who not only care about me, but care about the future of my marriage and won't just tell me to give up or run away.

How do I get him evaluated for SA? I would like to look into that.

NeverAgain2013 posted 8/19/2013 14:01 PM

Quite honestly, I read your other post about your husband losing his temper and completely smashing his phone violently against the coffee table right in front of your young son as he played on the rug with his toys.

This man doesn't sound like an SA at all. He sounds like an angry, self-entitled, emotionally immature man who learned at a young age from his womanizing father that cheating is the norm and it's just what a man 'does.'

But I think you need to deal with this man's anger issues first, because I remember what it's like to constantly be placating a man with anger issues. It got so OLD after a while, always trying to find ways to keep him from exploding and trying to diffuse things as they came up. Ugh.

I do agree, though, that you shouldn't give this man any more trust. He needs to earn it back.

Barni posted 8/19/2013 14:33 PM

NeverAgain2013- I agree with you wholeheartedly, in fact, we've been trying to work on his anger issues for awhile now, especially after he attended that intensive counseling for FILs rehab three months ago.

WH sought out and found his own IC to deal with a lot of the issues that he realized about himself while in rehab visiting his dad. He suffered many years of physical, mental and emotional abuse at the hands of his father and one of his ex stepmothers. He wants to work on his anger as much as I need him to. He's very aware of it.

I couldn't agree more with your assessment of his personality... that's him. Again, all things he's just started realizing since before D Day but after the infidelity. He has been actively trying to make a change and then this happened. He believes God intended for me to find out so he could really fix himself. I hope he means that.

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