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WS and BS - Welcome to: Let's Make a Deal!

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tigrislilium posted 8/19/2013 11:24 AM

Wayward Spouses,

You are granted a deal by a shady figure:

The horrible suffering your infidelity caused CAN be completely wiped out for both you and your BS - it would be as though they never found out the truth. All the teary-eyed questions would stop, all the blame and anger and "WHYs?!?" would cease immediately...


You were willing to knowingly allow your BS to be exactly as unfaithful to you as you were to them, AND you could never speak a word of it to them or anyone else. You could not berate, shame, or vilify them in any way. Your BS would carry on just as you did - believing they were getting away with it -and you'd have to watch it all unfold and never say a word about it.

PROS: you are spared for the rest of your life the pain of watching your BS grapple with your infidelity, and you never again have to sit in the "hot seat" getting grilled for answers you'd rather not give. Your BS is blissfully unaware of your infidelity forever.

CONS: you must watch THEM be unfaithful, but you cannot EVER confront them about it because
1) that's part of the deal;
2) it's only happening this way because you made the deal with the shady figure - your BS would most likely never have cheated if your own infidelity hadn't called the shady figure to make this deal;
3) you did the EXACT same thing and it would be hypocritical of you to utter one word of recrimination at or against them.

Could you accept those terms? Why or why not?

BSs, what do you think your WSs would choose?

MovingUpward posted 8/19/2013 11:31 AM

I don't think my WS would go for it, but at the same time I know that it wouldn't have helped me heal to have been given the opportunity that you proposed.

There are no known ways that I could have avoided the suffering of my XW's infidelity.

TxsT posted 8/19/2013 11:33 AM

Oh my goodness....I think I might print this one out. What a great way of stating the OBVIOUS!!!! I have asked my husband what he would have done if the shoe were on the other foot. He has told me he can't even begin to understand or consider what he would feel like.

Well said...


[This message edited by TxsT at 11:34 AM, August 19th (Monday)]

uncertainone posted 8/19/2013 11:39 AM

You just described my affair. Word for fucking word. I gave him the exact same choices I was exercising and hid nothing.

Missing from your post is the very real recognition that "your" choices have NOTHING to do with "theirs" and can create pain for you that's incomparable.

After all, their choices are just that. Theirs. Nothing you picked. Nothing you have to own. Now when you slog through your shit you find it reeks just as bad and you can't throw it chimp style on someone else. Although as a completely unrelated fun fact researchers have found that chimps that throw their shit are more intelligent. Guess all the mental gymnastics involved in that process builds.

RyeBread posted 8/19/2013 12:07 PM

I would feel much better about a WS who choose the longer/harder but more permanant path to reconciliation, ie...owning their shit. It shows a more empathetic and respectful WS. The easy way out game you are describing is the mentality that got the marriage in the predicament it was in to begin with.

Crushed1 posted 8/19/2013 12:17 PM

My H couldn't accept the deal, see, he was 'entitled' to commit adultery and if I had allowed another man to touch me, he'd have walked, at least that's what he says. Who knows? I told him from the start that adultery was a dealbreaker for me but I stayed and tried to R.

Silentthoughts posted 8/19/2013 12:31 PM

I'm ashamed to say I told by bh to go have an affair, but i didnt want any details about it. This was back around 1 mo post dday. He did not take me up on it. At the time i just wanted his pain to go away. And it was just fu*king hard facing what I did to him.. I figured I could compartmentalise my pain like I always did, and I am so conflict avoidant that I thought everything would go back the way it was and we'd stop fighting. I'm glad he didn't now, not because of me but because it would have compromised who he was as a person.

tigrislilium posted 8/19/2013 12:35 PM

Hey! Thanks all who are posting!

RyeBread, you have misunderstood me, I think.

The question to the BSs was not "What would YOU prefer your WS choose in this scenario?"

but rather

"What do you think your WS would CHOOSE to do in the scenario?"

mrcpu posted 8/19/2013 12:46 PM

The question to the BSs was not "What would YOU prefer your WS choose in this scenario?"

but rather

"What do you think your WS would CHOOSE to do in the scenario?"

My WS gave me a "free-pass" early on after d-day. I was intregued by the idea at first, I admit, I mean why should she have had all the "fun" right?
Anyway, the brain on the top of my spine kicked in and told the brain in my little head where to go. I put the free-pass on the shelf and since then my WW has told me that she is glad I didn't use it.

I don't think a RA is the answer to anything and I am pretty sure my WS feels the same.

Now if I could just go back to 14 months ago and spend more time on my marriage and ensure that my "bestfriend" was out of the picture before any of this started, I'd take THAT deal any day!!!

(Ok, hold on... for those on here who have been here for a while, I'm not BLAMING myself... but I'm sure I could have made positive changes in the landscape of our marriage that might have lead to my wife making a different set of decisions. Or not.)

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