When my WS left, Oct 17/12, he told me he wanted to live alone. Didn't want to be married any longer. I believed him. After 2 weeks, I started thinking that there must be more to this then meets the eye. Our marriage was pretty good except we hadn't had any intimacy for several years. He never really pushed and I didn't initiate it either. I had always felt he had a very low sex drive and it, eventually, became the "norm" for me. Anyway, I started looking into his cell phone etc. and discovered he was calling someone a couple of hours away from where we lived several times. Long story short, he left me and moved in with the OW immediately. I went ballistic. He told me it had been going on for 3 years off and on/most off. After 11 weeks, my WS sent me an email telling me he stilled loved me and wanted to come home. He came home January 1st. I asked him the day he came home if there had been any other affairs and he confessed to another one before that.
He had always been fascinated by BDSM and started searching on line and found some interesting websites and one thing led to another and eventually decided to cross the line and meet someone in person. So started a 6 month affair. After that broke off, he said he was disgusted with his behaviour and was relieved but just a few weeks later he was looking again. Then he met the one who he moved in with. They had a lot in common and she made him feel great. She understood him. We had grown apart - you know - all the typical things I read about in the forums here. So, on the day he came home, after he told me about both affairs, I asked him if they had ever been in our house. He told me NO. When he left the OW that morning, he told her he felt guilty and knew I was having a hard time dealing with everything and he was coming home to help me heal. He wasn't honest with her. When she called to speak with him that night, I insisted he tell her the truth. It was her turn to go ballistic. She got drunk and called several times and, well, it was just plain ugly. The next morning, I asked my WS if I could send her an email and try to explain to her what I thought had happened in our marriage and why my WS had left and returned to me. He was hesitant, but after reading what I wrote, he okayed it and let me send it. Well, I'm sure you can all imagine the response. It was not pretty. She described in great detail about being at our house. How my husband had rented a hooker shortly after we got married. How he had hooked up with 2 other girls at a hotel in our downtown area and the had done all kinds of interesting things to my WS (she didn't tell me what these things were) Also, she told me that both she and the OOW had been to my place many, many times. My WS admitted to me that yes, the OW had been there but not the OOW. Never had he solicited a hooker and he had never met up with the 2 other girls - that he had just told her about his cyber stuff about the 2 girls and told her that he had once seen an advertisement in the local newpaper about hookers and BDSM and considered it, but didn't do it.
Many months later, I got in touch with the OOW and found out that yes, she had been to the house and spent a couple of weekends in MY BED with my WS. Now, my WS couldn't lie about that anymore. He kept on telling me that she had never been here except once when he had brought her here to get a change of clothes. I begged and begged for the truth, but never got it until I was able to prove to him that he was lying.
He has been great during our R even though he has lied. He still swears that the prostitute never happened and he never met up with any other girls except the 2 he I already know about.
My question is - how do I believe him after he has lied so perfectly to me for so long. Why would I believe him. I have asked him if he will take a polygraph and he has said yes, but he is such a good liar that I think he would even be able to fool it and I have also heard that they are not necessarily reliable. Please help me here. I have no idea what to do.
30 years together.
4+ years - 2 affairs and I had no friggin clue.
"I have to be stronger - I will be stronger"
I forgot to mention that my WS told me that lying is a way of life to him. He is trying hard not to anymore. He has a very hard time facing conflict. We are in counselling, but he has lied to the counsellor as well - when confronted with questions about if there was more - he said I knew it all. Obviously, I didn't.