In short, alcoholic wife tanked this spring. Nearly drank herself to death and she was aided by a Dad on our sons soccer team who was a sorry sap himself and they drank together and slept together while I was at work and kids at school. He has no job and his wife left him. Mind you my wife is high maintenance and likes St. John, Chanel and jewlery, which I buy her. He talked with her and drank with her as I detached from her inebriated state. I believe he also saw her potential alimony as a way to help him out of his hole.
Anyway i forced her into rehab and then found out about him.
Well much to my surprise she has emerged a superstar. She is NC, and genuinely shows consistent remorseful behavior. Sex is great, our communication is fantastic and her mothering skills are now super admirable all because she is sober. She is in AA, but not a nazi and allows me to enjoy my red wine or beer whenever I want. She has made individual efforts to apologize to my family and our friends. She is open to all about her former drinking problem and the destruction it caused.i was the chef of the house despite 80 work weeks b/c she was passed out on the couch and is now flourishing in the kitchen making the family great healthy meals.
Basically, it seems like a textbook effort to reconcile that so many people on this site would want, but even though her efforts are genuine and consistent it helps me so little.
I am just so dejected by her infidelity, I can't break out of the rut.
Anyone else experience a disdain for a truly great R effort by a wayward spouse or are they all on the divorce forum? I have two great young kids who have suffered through the uncertainty of a drunk, wicked Mom ( and now have a great mom back) and I dont want to go for D on the heels of their Moms alcoholic destruction, so I am hanging in for now.
[This message edited by koss424 at 12:21 PM, August 19th (Monday)]
Do you think that you were hoping that her changes would somehow fix the situation?
Good R'ing like this is not the whole solution, it is mearly a requirement of R.
Have you been to a therapist to help confront and deal with the pain? the heart ache? the dejections? Bottling it up and hoping that her betterment will make it go away, will not make it go away. You will have to work through the situation either with her or by yourself in some sort of therapy.
I can't help but feel that she really doesn't feel remorse (or at least enough remorse) and that I'm actually rewarding her for the affair.
as a fWS, I can understand this comment completely, but would hope that one day my fBS would say that rather then rewarding my affiar (by taking me back, forgiving me, and building a new life together) that it is more like rewarding my work on myself. The hard work that we both put into rebuilding.
Making that boundery known can help - seperating the 'reward' by stating that fact "Thank you for all your progress" "you have come so far" that kind of thing.
First, you need TIME under your belt to let you know the changes are for real.
Second, it takes TIME for your brain to process the trauma.
Yes, for quite some time I would look at his changes with disdain. "oh really, NOW you are the perfect spouse? After ripping my guts out first? Great. Neat Thankssomuch."
I think what you are feeling is totally normal. Keep engaging with her and give yourself a bit more time.
It took 5 months and false R, mulitple times to get the entire truth. But, yes, it's hard to accept this near perfect R. For me, at least. I've been having a rough time for the last few days.
So, the way both our IC/MC break it down is that they were ALWAYS drunk during that time. Black outs, looking to drink again, etc. Their bodies were always planning the next drink...the infidelity was a bonus. Lucky us, huh.
So, I can empathize with you in the sense that we both love alcoholics. Same here, great communication, remorse, transparency, best sex ever, and he's a completely different person now that he's sober. He is 110% HERE with the boys and I. He looks forward to spending time with us insead of nursing a hang over and more lies. He helps cook, clean, plans fun family time, etc. I never imagined he would stop drinking. He's had a few slip ups, which are expected for a man who has drank 15 years of his life.
Are you in Al-anon? There's a lot to learn there about the brain disease. Plus, I don't think it's a good idea to drink in front of her. She could slip up...I'm just suggesting what our chemical dependency therapist advised. Take it our leave it. But, I know for a fact H would not be able to resist if I drank a cold one in front of him.
How is she doing with sobriety? IMO, surviving infidelity is a lot of work and heartache. Every. Day. Add it with an addicition, and it can be unbearably miserable at times...
I feel your pain.
Good luck, there Rattus.
[This message edited by libertyrocks at 2:50 PM, August 19th (Monday)]