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Was a near perfect R effort still hard to accept?

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Rattus2000 posted 8/19/2013 11:43 AM

Hi, first post on this forum. Been hanging out on just found out, but now feel this forum more appropriate.

In short, alcoholic wife tanked this spring. Nearly drank herself to death and she was aided by a Dad on our sons soccer team who was a sorry sap himself and they drank together and slept together while I was at work and kids at school. He has no job and his wife left him. Mind you my wife is high maintenance and likes St. John, Chanel and jewlery, which I buy her. He talked with her and drank with her as I detached from her inebriated state. I believe he also saw her potential alimony as a way to help him out of his hole.

Anyway i forced her into rehab and then found out about him.

Well much to my surprise she has emerged a superstar. She is NC, and genuinely shows consistent remorseful behavior. Sex is great, our communication is fantastic and her mothering skills are now super admirable all because she is sober. She is in AA, but not a nazi and allows me to enjoy my red wine or beer whenever I want. She has made individual efforts to apologize to my family and our friends. She is open to all about her former drinking problem and the destruction it caused.i was the chef of the house despite 80 work weeks b/c she was passed out on the couch and is now flourishing in the kitchen making the family great healthy meals.

Basically, it seems like a textbook effort to reconcile that so many people on this site would want, but even though her efforts are genuine and consistent it helps me so little.

I am just so dejected by her infidelity, I can't break out of the rut.

Anyone else experience a disdain for a truly great R effort by a wayward spouse or are they all on the divorce forum? I have two great young kids who have suffered through the uncertainty of a drunk, wicked Mom ( and now have a great mom back) and I dont want to go for D on the heels of their Moms alcoholic destruction, so I am hanging in for now.

koss424 posted 8/19/2013 12:20 PM

I don't have any advice for you, but I can relate. MY WW has done everything she 'supposed' to do in a successful R. However, I can help but feel that she really doesn't feel remorse (or at least enough remorse) and that I'm actually rewarding her for the affair. Our marriage is better in a lot of ways, we do more things together, we never really fight any more, we are physically healthier and closer as a family and our sex life has never been better. I still feel that I would like to end our marriage very often and we are 1 year and 3 months since D-day.

[This message edited by koss424 at 12:21 PM, August 19th (Monday)]

Undefinabl3 posted 8/19/2013 12:37 PM

I honestly dont think that a WS that is practicing perfect R with their BS can change what was done. Our changes personally and in our relationship, can not erase what we have done.

Do you think that you were hoping that her changes would somehow fix the situation?

Good R'ing like this is not the whole solution, it is mearly a requirement of R.

Have you been to a therapist to help confront and deal with the pain? the heart ache? the dejections? Bottling it up and hoping that her betterment will make it go away, will not make it go away. You will have to work through the situation either with her or by yourself in some sort of therapy.

I can't help but feel that she really doesn't feel remorse (or at least enough remorse) and that I'm actually rewarding her for the affair.

as a fWS, I can understand this comment completely, but would hope that one day my fBS would say that rather then rewarding my affiar (by taking me back, forgiving me, and building a new life together) that it is more like rewarding my work on myself. The hard work that we both put into rebuilding.

Making that boundery known can help - seperating the 'reward' by stating that fact "Thank you for all your progress" "you have come so far" that kind of thing.

Rebreather posted 8/19/2013 13:01 PM

That is why our standard refrain is "it takes 2-5 years to recover from this kind of betrayal."

First, you need TIME under your belt to let you know the changes are for real.

Second, it takes TIME for your brain to process the trauma.

Yes, for quite some time I would look at his changes with disdain. "oh really, NOW you are the perfect spouse? After ripping my guts out first? Great. Neat Thankssomuch."

I think what you are feeling is totally normal. Keep engaging with her and give yourself a bit more time.

foundoutlater posted 8/19/2013 13:56 PM

I agree with Redbreather. It takes time (counted in years not months). I think it takes that time to deal with the trauma.

Sal1995 posted 8/19/2013 14:04 PM

I'm only 6 months out and my WW's R efforts are probably as close to perfect as you can get under the circumstances. But still, it's very hard to accept. Damn right it is. There's nothing easy about recovering from betrayal. I hope you can look past her recent behavior and focus on the positive changes. Time will help.

libertyrocks posted 8/19/2013 14:17 PM

We have some things in common. I also have a recovering alcoholic fWS. I think it's a little different from "regular" cheating. lol. If that makes sense. I too, work the 50 hour work week, commute, support the family financially, provide the medical benefits, pay the bills, etc.

It took 5 months and false R, mulitple times to get the entire truth. But, yes, it's hard to accept this near perfect R. For me, at least. I've been having a rough time for the last few days.

So, the way both our IC/MC break it down is that they were ALWAYS drunk during that time. Black outs, looking to drink again, etc. Their bodies were always planning the next drink...the infidelity was a bonus. Lucky us, huh.

So, I can empathize with you in the sense that we both love alcoholics. Same here, great communication, remorse, transparency, best sex ever, and he's a completely different person now that he's sober. He is 110% HERE with the boys and I. He looks forward to spending time with us insead of nursing a hang over and more lies. He helps cook, clean, plans fun family time, etc. I never imagined he would stop drinking. He's had a few slip ups, which are expected for a man who has drank 15 years of his life.

Are you in Al-anon? There's a lot to learn there about the brain disease. Plus, I don't think it's a good idea to drink in front of her. She could slip up...I'm just suggesting what our chemical dependency therapist advised. Take it our leave it. But, I know for a fact H would not be able to resist if I drank a cold one in front of him.

How is she doing with sobriety? IMO, surviving infidelity is a lot of work and heartache. Every. Day. Add it with an addicition, and it can be unbearably miserable at times...

I feel your pain.

Good luck, there Rattus.


[This message edited by libertyrocks at 2:50 PM, August 19th (Monday)]

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