SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

WhatsRight posted 8/19/2013 12:03 PM

I have. My father was amazing. Not perfect, of course, but a simply wonderful dad. So much so, that it is almost impossible for anyone to live up to him.

Most of my 'best friends' (with the exception of 2 or 3) have always been men. I have not had inappropriate relationships with them - I just love men. Regarding their goodness, character, integrity, protectiveness, compassion, etc. I guess this is what my dad showed me that a man was.

Then I found my soulmate. Nothing ever felt like that before. Then - as we started having kids, and the kids had issues, he started to withdraw. Long story short - then the infidelity.

I am / have been in such shock that this man could do such a thing. And I notice I am generalizing his behavior to all men.

I have noticed lately that any time I am watching TV or in a discussion, etc., and a man behaves badly - I am always feeling, or saying out loud (if I am alone) things like, "Leave him!" "Kick his ass out!" "That SOB!"

I have lost something more than my husband, and my marriage. I have lost my faith in men - the very creatures that I have looked up to, and adored.

Please - all you wonderful men out there - please don't think I am saying that men are bad. I am just saying that as a person who has always felt so favorable about men - it is so hard to 'feel' so differently now. My first 2 husbands were idiots and jerks, but this man was different. He was then.

I know my 'feeling' is not real. I know there are just as many wonderful men 'out there' after my husband's infidelity as there were before.

I am sad that I have noticed my 'gut' response to men 'post infidelity' is prejudice and immediate judgement.

I hate feeling this way. It is wrong - and so hurtful. To me, and to anyone that I accidently project these feelings on.

I'm sorry if anyone has taken this wrong. This is just the opposite of an attack on men.

It is just so hard - I feel like I have not only lost my marriage, but my faith in these wonderful men.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 12:21 PM, August 19th (Monday)]

WhatsRight posted 8/19/2013 15:50 PM

sorry - seems I may have offended

Nohopeleft posted 8/19/2013 15:53 PM

I understand what you are saying and have found myself thinking similar things.

My husband was one of the ones that would NEVER do such a thing. Here I am.

I have lost faith that there are any good ones out there. If my good one was capable, any of them are.

[This message edited by Nohopeleft at 3:54 PM, August 19th (Monday)]

libertyrocks posted 8/19/2013 15:54 PM

Really? Not me. It just makes me want to look for a new one with BETTER qualities. lol.

Actually, we're in R and trying to work it out. I'm giving myself a year to decide...He doesn't know that. fWH already broke my heart, there's nothing left to abuse. Although, he says he's more attracted and in love with me more than ever and more than any of the OW. Yeah, whatever.

Sometimes, I just think men think with their little heads, BUT not all of them. It's kind of like generalizing them, y'know? Like sayin women are gold diggers. Shoot, I make my own money and worry about myself. I honestly don't need a man. But, I'm giving my fWH a chance.

nowiknow23 posted 8/19/2013 15:56 PM

WhatsRight - I highly doubt you have offended. I think what you are describing is fairly common in BS of both genders. Extrapolating the actions of one onto those who are similar (in this case, of the same gender) is not unusual.

The fact that you are arguing this point with yourself in your post - able to recognize that there are good, wonderful men - proves that you are thinking about this, working on this, and airing it out here can only help with that process.

Keep challenging those knee-jerk reactions, especially when they fly in the face of what you've always felt and believed.

alphakitte posted 8/19/2013 15:57 PM

I think once you are aware of infidelity, in someone you previously trusted deeply, that you view people more realistically. Previously you may have projected qualities onto them that they didn't have. I've found that to be true, but it isn't gender specific, for me.

StillGoing posted 8/19/2013 16:01 PM

You were betrayed and now you're wary and gun shy. It's great you can recognize that stuff is based on emotion rather than reason, but you will still feel those feelings. Hopefully your H will be safe for you again and you won't feel that way anymore.

Me, I don't trust dogs. We got a puppy not long ago and it was the first dog I ever really bonded with. I mean this dog and I, it was like one of those paired up things out of a story.

He bit my son though. We tried to train him and correct for it, and he bit my son again and I ashamed of myself for allowing that to happen a second time. I brought my dog in myself to put down and stayed with him as they injected him and they asked me to leave the room a moment, and I think that was the first time I'd cried in front of somebody who wasn't my wife since I got my ass kicked in high school. We have another dog now and he's sweet and lazy and rationally safe, but every dog I see, I am on kill watch if there is a kid around.

These things can cut deep enough that the danger looms everywhere. It takes a long time to heal the really painful stuff. Sorry if comparing this to a dog might have been insulting, didn't mean it like that.

[This message edited by StillGoing at 4:02 PM, August 19th (Monday)]

JanaGreen posted 8/19/2013 16:05 PM

I think what you are describing is fairly common in BS of both genders. Extrapolating the actions of one onto those who are similar (in this case, of the same gender) is not unusual.

This. I considered all men who like to golf asshole douches last year (obviously I don't feel that way now as I'm volunteering to drive the beer cart in a charity golf tournament this weekend ). I STILL have a problem with, ah, full-figured black-haired women, but I'll get over that eventually, I guess.

It's just a process. You won't always feel this way. ((HUGS))

5454real posted 8/19/2013 16:23 PM

Five women, 5 cheaters. Who has more reason to collectively define a gender?(five for five for real kwim?)

Before I get lumped into the dirty drunk, must be something wrong with him category, let me describe the circumstances in my current situation. M'd 10 years, in that time, FWW has prepared maybe 10 meals, gone grocery shopping 5 times. As soon as my son was done breast feeding, I took ALL the night time feedings.(She got to have him for 9 months without sharing, it was my turn.) I wash and dry the laundry, she folds and puts away. I wash and dry the dishes, she puts them away. She maintains the interior of the house, I do the outside and vehicle maintenance. We share the Dr visits and child care. In 10 years, she has had 3 knee surgeries, 2 shoulder, a discectomy, spinal fusion, a rhysotomy and a hysterectomy. I've been to every appointment but maybe 2. 5 days a week, I make sure she has an uninterrupted 1.5 hrs to workout. 2 or three times a month, I stop by her office with flowers or chocolate just because.I am by no means perfect, but I'm not half bad.

Guess what, she still cheated. In the other relationships, my behavior was similar. They cheated. By finding this site, I have been able to identify myself as a KISA(we don't all cheat). It's my picker that's broken, not that half the population of the planet cheats divided by gender .

I asked this once in the menz forum. What made us pick the broken ones?