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Here is my stumbling block. My ex is still a cold asshole to me. In every email it is as if he is addressing a stranger. In person, he acts more coldly than he would to a stranger. At pickups/dropoffs he doesn't even leave the car or acknowledge my presence if I'm helping the kids to the door. Wifetress on the other hand is all nicey and will go out of her way to be communicative. It is helpful. I get the feeling that ex would rather me go through his wife, he includes her on all emails and everything is "we" and "us" in his language.

My stumbling block, I feel like he should step up and do his part to clean up the shitstorm of a mess his A created which would be acting just decent around me. I also resent having to go through wifetress for little things. The kids (specifically my dd) like her. I *should* be happy that they get along with her and she seems to pay them a lot of attention.

BUT-
She is a trashy whore
She played her part in the destruction of my family

I really think I need to put on my big girl panties and just work with her instead of my asshole ex. It would be easier and probably more pleasant for all. And it would probably benefit my kids because it would make things easier.

I just hate, hate, hate giving her any feeling that since we act all nice, what she did wasn't really that bad. And boy, do I not want my kids to think I am ok with what they (ex and whore) did.

And I know that I could be an even bigger person and start acting nicey to asshole. Hell, if he didn't feel so bad about what he did he wouldn't be such an ass right now. And that too would be better for the kids....

I am nice. I greet both/either of them. I smile etc. I didn't at first, but I have for almost 2 yrs now.

I understand that. It would be a stumbling block for me too if I were in that position.

I get that feeling of not knowing how to act with my ex - if I'm nice, is it setting a good or bad example for my kids? Is he thinking that I'm "over it" and it wasn't such a big deal? My ex isn't cold to me, and I have never had to deal with the OW. My hat is off to you for your strength to deal with it all with such composure and kindness.

Take all the emotion out of it, and take it to a professional level. Think business acquaintance. Distant, but polite.

Work with the contact who will get you the best results, whether that's him or her.

My DSS34's SO also does the communication with his XW. SO wasn't an OW during their marriage but it does work for the Moms. They both have babies and each have three boys with GS10 included in both homes. It's a juggling act at times. Got to give them credit, they've made it work for GS10.
I think sometimes you have to do what you have to for the kids'
Owife will always be who she is but if she treats the kids well, then that is all that truly matters to you.
Big Hugs and it's so hard to deal with OP when XS marries them.
Gma

I don't have this situation, so I realize it's easy for me to say, but if you are nice to and interact with her, I don't think you're sending the signal that what they did was OK. Really? They don't have morals and don't care. They knew it wasn't OK to have an affair, yet they did anyway. Being mean/distant isn't going to make them develop morals!!!

IMO, working through her shows them indifference. That's the greatest gift you can give yourself, and a huge FU to XWH. He's no longer able to get you riled up. He's her problem now. You have a fabulous life -- better than it would have been with him still in it -- and she's welcome to the loser. You just don't care, and they know it, and it drives them nuts. If anything, feel bad for her, because he'll be cheating on her soon enough, if he isn't already.