"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

josie11 posted 8/19/2013 15:21 PM

I dreaded this happening, and now it seemingly has. First my ex fell out of touch with our eldest, who turned 18 a little while ago. They haven't spoken for a number of months.

Now it's been over a month since our youngest (15 years old) has heard from him.

By "out of touch," I mean no calls, no texts, no emails. Nothing.

There's no point in my saying anything to my ex because it would likely make him do the opposite of what I would want him to do (stay in contact with his children). But he is not stupid. He must know how damaging it is for any child to have his father literally ignore his existence.

Why would he do this? The children act as if they don't care, but I know it must hurt them that he is no longer interested enough to stay in touch with them.

What could he possibly be thinking?

[This message edited by josie11 at 3:21 PM, August 19th (Monday)]

Phoenix1 posted 8/19/2013 15:35 PM

He's a soulless, selfish, sorry excuse of a human being. That is what makes him able to do that! My POS is doing the exact same thing. No contact with my girls for months, only our son because he thinks DS is "okay" with his actions. Couldn't be further from the truth, and once POS finds out what DS really thinks, he will walk away from him too.

My kids also act like it is not a big deal, but I also know it hurts them to be thrown to the curb like yesterday's trash by your father, whom they respected and looked up to ( ). But he has a history of walking away from unpleasant situations, so this is not a surprise. Sad, but not a surprise.

Just continue to be the best mother you can be. There IS no point in talking to your ex about it because it will only fall on deaf ears. When he is old and alone because he drove his children away, he might finally regret it, but not until then.

It is always tough to watch a train wreck, but hang in there for your kids and be their rock!

[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 3:36 PM, August 19th (Monday)]

nowiknow23 posted 8/19/2013 15:50 PM

He must know how damaging it is for any child to have his father literally ignore his existence.

Maybe. Or maybe he's too focused on himself to see that he is impacting them.

((((kids))))

lieshurt posted 8/19/2013 15:53 PM

My ex hasn't seen my son in a few years and he's only seen him a handful of times since we divorced 10 years ago. I think it's easy for my ex to do so because he blames me for everything. When you don't own your choices, you don't feel guilt over them.

josie11 posted 8/19/2013 16:17 PM

Maybe. Or maybe he's too focused on himself to see that he is impacting them.

Just in case this is what's happening, I'm thinking of sending him a very short text saying the children miss him.

ButterflyGirl posted 8/19/2013 16:31 PM

If he's that self-absorbed to not even think to communicate at all with the children, I think it's best he doesn't.

My STBX is trying to be involved with the kids, but it's all for child support purposes and to look like hes such an awesome caring dad to OW. When there was no CS in place and he was dating the 21-year-old twink, he barely ever asked for them for over 5 months.

It's sad to say, but if he's just going to show them attention because you asked him to or just do it for show, well that seems like it would do more harm than good. You cant make him less self-centered. To really mean something to the children, it should be a genuine effort on his part.. I think being manipulated and guilted by him is worse than being abandoned by him..

Just my 2 cents..

Hugs to you and the kids..

Take2 posted 8/19/2013 16:48 PM

My experience with this:

After Dday my (now)X didn't contact DD27 for 30 days. I did say something to him - and the result was that she was upset with me... She directly asked me if I'd said something and I didn't lie to her.

She was letting his actions speak for him... So when he called, and left a
vm: "Hi it's your Dad, just wanted to talk, I'm so lonely and have no one to talk to... miss you."

So yeah, he was totally focused on himself and his need for her sympathy given the circumstances - didn't do much to repair anything. They haven't talked in 5 years.

Sad. But if the kids realize that you said anything - his call will be meaningless to them... and if you think about it - the fact that you have to say something - kind of does make it meaningless.

My 2 cents

josie11 posted 8/19/2013 17:16 PM

Thank you everyone. I've taken all your comments on board and decided to keep my observations about how the children feel to myself.

Hopefully, my ex will wake up sooner than later and realize what great young people our teenagers are. Where there's life, there's hope.

In the meantime, I'll try to provide double the support and encouragement to my kids.

copout posted 8/20/2013 07:49 AM

Same thing here,it's been a year since my son has heard from his father.He's seems not to care but it has got to hurt.