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babbs posted 8/19/2013 15:43 PM

Well I too have my own story and the reasons I did what I did. In reality my BH did not deserve what I did. He was sweet, loving, giving, helpful and a great father. I was selfish and cheated on him on 2 separate occasions. The first during the first year of marriage and the second 6 years later.

I wish I had a good answer as to why I would betray my beautiful husband but it all sounds like BS. I hate what I have done to him... He no longer looks at me with love in his eyes. HE feels cold to the touch and his silence is deafening. We are in IC and I'm seen a psych as well. Im on meds and I sincerely feel like a different person. I am able to care for my kids who are still so young just 2 & 3... I know its disgusting. I can't get past all the destruction all the hurt and humiliation I've brought onto both of us.

I feel as if I were standing in a huge gaping hole darkness everywhere screaming but just cant be heard. This is the worst kind of hurt I have ever felt. I'm so alone I feel so ashamed. I don't have my family here and I don't really have close friends...The bottom line is, I just wan't my sweet husband back but I fear I have lost him forever.
Me WW 35 BH 33
DDAY 1 April1 2013 DDay2 MAY 2013

libertyrocks posted 8/19/2013 15:57 PM

You know, sweetie, you are in the right direction with trying to make the wrongs right. Good luck to you and your H. Wow, 2 and 3, you have your hands full! :)

You haven't lost him, it's just going to be a long, hard, well-worth journey. Good luck!

babbs posted 8/19/2013 16:02 PM

These last 4 months seem like an eternity. I'm realizing now that it will take so much longer than I had imagined.

OK now posted 8/20/2013 07:27 AM

It does take a lot more than a few months but it will get better and the pain will fade. Don't lose hope, hang in there and give your BH a very precious gift; complete assurance that this will never happen again, even if the marriage encounters the occasional stress and disenchantment..

Your remorse over the next few years will buy back the trust you carelessly threw away.

KBeguile posted 8/20/2013 22:54 PM

I somewhat concur with what OK Now said, except that you'll never completely earn back the trust you threw away. Yes, the pain will fade and the scars may cover over, but the doubt you've driven into this relationship will last for its life.

That's not to say that the relationship can't be improved. Even with defects, anything can be made better. Have you spent much time understanding the "why"s of your choices? Have you made some effort into fixing the parts of your relationship that caused you to think seeking attention from someone other than your BS was a good idea?

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