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it does a number on you

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Holly-Isis posted 8/19/2013 16:29 PM

So we're 14yrs out from d-day for 1A. I was taking classes towards getting my N.C. Teacher's Certification during the A and d-day.

I have crystal clear memories of many things during that time. Time spent with xOw1, red flags, gut feelings and so on. I remember the classes and their assignments. Well, I remember two classes. Apparently I took four, failed one. I took a psych class. I remember having a project to do where I had to break a habit. I chose to stop nagging MrH about how he acted towards other women. A former teacher of his that he was still in touch with, waitresses and xOw1.

When d-day happened and I was falling apart, I remember my professor talking to me at her desk. She mentioned that reading my paper about breaking habits she had the feeling that MrH was the one who acted inappropriately, not me. I wonder if the 4.0 I got in that class was a pity A?

The other class I took during the aftermath of d-day was a tech class. Anyone who knows me knows I enjoy using technology. I've always used it, even when the average teacher wasn't. I remember building a website. I remember being tempted to put in a hidden link to info about xOw1 and her homewrecking behavior. I didn't. I don't think I did.

The number this did on me...I don't remember two of the four classes. I don't remember getting a report card and failing the tech class. I don't even remember what I did or didn't do to fail the class!

Somehow I put one foot in front of the other and passed classes I don't even remember taking. Somehow I did or didn't do something to fail a class I should've aced. It's like I wasn't even there.

It's funny how those few lines of text on my transcript tell so much that I can't even remember about something that influenced my life so much.

I feel like puking.

Tesa posted 8/19/2013 16:48 PM

Hi Holly,

Don't be too hard on yourself! You experienced a trauma and well, it was probably better that you DID forget!

I'm missing entire chunks of time too related to my 2nd d-day with H. 10 days after he moved out, my ex-h served me with papers to take custody of my DDs. 4 weeks later and two days after the temp-hearing on custody, my father passed away from cancer. I lost my love, fought a legal battle, and lost my dad in a 6 week time period. It was almost like living in hell. I canít remember anything about June & July 2010. Itís just gone. Sometimes things come up at my office about those months and I just shake my head and say a prayer of thanks that I somehow managed to keep my job.

You managed pretty darn well too!

[This message edited by Tesa at 4:48 PM, August 19th (Monday)]

Amazonia posted 8/19/2013 19:32 PM


You are a remarkable woman and you have overcome a lot, and I know that you have awesome successes and victories and joys to come in your future.

brokendancer7 posted 8/19/2013 19:58 PM

Holly, you were brave to keep going, and finish your semester! A lot of people would have just given up.

WH and I were on a trip and stopped at a hotel about 250 miles from home. WH asked if I remembered staying there before. I swore I had never been there. I was sure! But gradually it started looking familiar. After a while I did remember staying there. It was a week after DD#1.

I think your brain shuts off at times like that to keep you from going crazy.

Williesmom posted 8/19/2013 20:03 PM

For sure, I just kind of went into survival mode. I felt like a zombie for about a year after d-day.

I can't believe that you functioned as well as you did at the time.

mchercheur posted 8/19/2013 20:10 PM

Yes, one thing I realize is how much time this whole infidelity chapter has taken out of my life.
Before Dday, I was working so hard on some personal goals, & gave so much time to our kids. It's like everything else got put on hold these past 2+years-----I have gone thru the daily motions (kids, house, work) on automatic pilot.

Holly-Isis posted 8/19/2013 20:31 PM

I was in denial. He told me he was in love with her.

I didn't know what an EA was. I didn't know I could ask for NC. I just said it was an inappropriate friendship.

Of course instead it was TT, lies and blame shifting. Because of course I was too controlling and half a dozen other excuses.

So I tried to be as normal as possible, especially when he told me that my crying was manipulative. I was pathetic, doing whatever I could to win him back. Then I did it again after 2d-day.

I'm happy to say I've grown so much stronger since then.

carnelian posted 8/19/2013 20:45 PM


Can so relate to all of this.

AFrayedKnot posted 8/19/2013 21:02 PM

(((All of us)))

It's like I wasn't even there


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