The way I am understanding forgiveness vs. acceptance in relation to the infidelity and all the wrongs is -
I can accept and not wish for retribution. I can forgive myself for my own failings. I can do this on my own for myself. I can change my focus from my pain and appreciate what I have learned from this pain. I can appreciate the new awareness of myself and life. I can accept that h has his own struggles and weaknesses. I can come to believe (not there yet) that I was not responsible or to blame for his bad choices.
I can do this on my own for me.
In order to reconcile, to achieve genuine forgiveness, I have to believe that he is working towards earning it. I need to see him working as hard as I am to change. I need to see him working harder than me to earn my trust, to show and express his remorse. I need to hear from him his thoughts and emotions regarding his choices and the repercussions to us both. What does it mean to him.
In order to forgive and reconcile, to move forward in our marriage, I feel he needs to earn my forgiveness.
Just a bright spot for me. This morning, after our talk again about expressions of remorse last night, he gave me meaningful words.
We were talking about the effects of this trauma on me, how hard it is to cope. He expressed sorrow, he expressed it in a way that he took ownership of the wrong.
It does help. If he did not hold himself accountable and recognize the wrongness of all of this, how could I ever let it go? If he is remorseful then eventually I will be able to forgive.
I am so interested in your thoughts regarding the bible.
I have never held any strong religious beliefs or knowledge. I find myself longing for that faith now, for something more to believe in.
I was raised Catholic and left that as soon as I had the chance.
I am searching within myself now, looking for a spark of that belief.
You have inspired me to start reading the Bible. Just what I need, more reading material!
I do know the story of the temple and the merchants. That was a very intriguing question, did Jesus forgive or just accept.
Janice Springs book, was by far the most helpful to me thus far. Even more so that any on infidelity.
Her views on forgiveness vs. acceptance made it seem attainable. Before I read this, it seemed an insurmountable goal. It helped so much to have a plan, a step by step guide to help through this process. To see there are alternatives, healthy alternatives to "turning the other cheek".
That to me felt like sacrificing myself, again.
Also, first meditation last night before bed, I was up at 4:30, so it is definitely not a quick fix!