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Reflections at almost 2 years out

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HFSSC posted 8/19/2013 17:34 PM

I have a hard time really knowing how to mark my time, but I feel like this is the BIG date. August 20, 2011, I had to drive JM's truck for the first time ever. He had been back home after our 6 month S for a couple of months. We were going to MC but he was still drinking heavily and doing really strange stuff at times. (Walked over ten miles in Crocs one night w/o telling me where he was going. Called me at 3 am to pick him up from a truck stop.)

I had a yard sale on the 20th, and he was supposed to help me, but couldn't (wouldn't) get out of bed, so I had to handle everything myself. I was pretty ticked off about that. Then, after the 3rd trip home from where we had the sale, I was looking through stuff in the truck. I found a checkbook, and just flipped through it. I don't know why. What I found destroyed me. I found carbon copies of 2 checks he had written to OW, weeks after he moved back home. The OW he supposedly had no idea how to even contact, who he had supposedly not even seen or heard from since January. I woke him up, screaming at him. He had a bunch of bullsh*t answers and kept contradicting himself. He finally told me that he had written them but never given them to her. I didn't completely believe him but let it go.

Then, on the 23rd, it all blew apart. He finally left his phone unguarded and I started going through it. Over the course of that day, my world as I knew it completely unraveled. Over the next few weeks, the hurt multiplied exponentially. The truth that finally came out was a thousand times worse than the worst thing I had imagined.

Someone on another forum I belong to pm'ed me the link to SI. I'm so glad. Because y'all gave me a place to fall apart, you gave me wisdom, encouragement, 2X4s when needed. Most of all, you gave me hope. Hope that I could and would be okay no matter what happened in my M.

Over the next few months, my H made gradual changes and improvements, and we renewed our vows on our 15th wedding anniversary in Dec 2011. But things weren't perfect.

When I discovered broken NC in May 2012, I wondered if he was just irreparably broken. I briefly considered D. I told him I was done trying.

And something happened to him then. He joined SI, posted in the Wayward forum and got some great advice, which he took. He read Not Just Friends, which was the first book I ever saw him read in its entirety since I met him in 1996. He took the lead in MC and at church. He became proactive in healing me and in showing me his remorse.

We still struggle. We're still human. I had a HORRIBLE day yesterday. I could not stop crying (which was just GREAT as I am the worship leader at my church and looked like hell yesterday). I came home and sat on the floor of my closet, sobbing. And JM came and grabbed me and held me. And let me cry. And told me that he will never stop taking care of me, that he will be my rock.

Today, we talked about the antiversary and the triggers. We talked about the fact that OW is engaged. (He couldn't care less but understands why I do.) I never imagined that I could have that kind of honest conversation with my H.

So, thank you DS and MH for providing this lifeline to me and JM. Thank you also to my prayer and support warriors: PPGA, Metamorphisis, Myheartstillhurt, Aubrie84, Boontje... I'm sure I'm forgetting somebody. So thank you also to each and every person who has shared this journey here with us. You're a vital part of our recovery and our life.

VD2012 posted 8/19/2013 18:27 PM

Wonderful post HFSSC.

Honest conversations really are wonderful when you realize you can have them and they're real.

openedupmyeyes posted 8/19/2013 18:34 PM

What a hopeful post. You laid it all out there. Your story sounds like a journey. Sometimes unpleasant, but you're going someplace together. Its good, and its real.

[This message edited by openedupmyeyes at 6:35 PM, August 19th (Monday)]

LosferWords posted 8/19/2013 18:50 PM

Awesome post/reflections.

LA44 posted 8/19/2013 19:25 PM

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Incredible journey thus far.


boontje posted 8/19/2013 23:53 PM

Oh HF, your post caused my eyes to well up. You are so incredibly strong, stronger than you know. You and JM are making it. Awesome work, both of you. Hugs.

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