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Grief stage - Depression :(

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ccw82 posted 8/19/2013 18:14 PM

WH has been great since D-Day (6/17/13). He's been remorseful, apologetic, attentive, loving, understanding, and he's always looking for new things he can do to make me feel better.

Since we have a one year old son and full time jobs, it's difficult to find time for counseling. We tried MC early on (within the first week), but the first 3 sessions did NOT go well, so we did not continue. Along with him attending SAA meetings, we have been using SI and other reading materials as our "therapy time" together. Today I ran across this website and thought I would share:

It had a lot of good information, and after reading a few articles together, he and I sat in bed for 2 hours just talking open and honestly about ALL of his infidelities at once; no more TT, no more sugar coating or watering down facts, just open honesty about the events with random women he met off Craigslist, various dating websites, and the escort he had sex with from Backpage; also, his thoughts surrounding those events as they happened, etc. It was hard to hear upfront, but I took it all in, and then cried after. He cried with me. It was nice to see his genuine sadness and remorse for his actions and for hurting me so badly. After our "therapy time" today, I finally understand a lot of the WHY it all happened. I realized that it's not just one reason, but several reasons that played into his poor decisions. It makes me less angry, and not so much wanting to bargain, but now I'm just really, really sad.

My life would be so much worse without him, especially since he is trying so hard to "fix" what he's done, but I have an overwhelming sadness that it all happened. Reading positive stories and talking with you guys about how you came out on the other end a much happier, stronger, more in love couple keeps my hope that we, too, will make it...and that we'll be better than we ever were before.

My one fear is that he'll be able to do it again (especially since he was diagnosed as a SA). I can't go through this again, but I also don't know how to cheat-proof a marriage when the WH is a SA?

Guys, I love him SO much...he's my BEST friend, my soul mate, my everything! I just can't imagine my life without him. I am just having the most difficult time getting over this!

Reality posted 8/19/2013 18:39 PM


It's the hardest part, what you're describing - having to go on hope when there's nothing to trust.

So much of love is based on trust. When we love, we default so much inherent good into the other person. We assume our best interests are important to them. That the vulnerability we give them is important to them.

Then, when/if they show that neither of those assumptions are true, we're stuck bridging loving them (and still protecting them in all the ways we thought they were protecting us) with not trusting them. It's so hard. It's where you seem to be now.

That old saying: "Love isn't enough." It puzzled me before all this. Love to me means creating all possibilities, trusting, building together; literally the opportunity to do everything possible. But now, I understand what the saying means is "Love, alone, isn't enough." It ties into the whole "You can't nice them back." and "You can't love them back." Because while it's great that we love our WH/WW/WSO, if both people aren't working equally hard, it never can work, despite the love.

He needs to earn back your trust. Your WH is running at a massive deficit on the balance sheets. He has to make up for that until you can trust him.

When/if you can, like magic, that depression - that keen awareness of the imbalance - will lessen. Hopefully, will lessen to the point where you aren't even aware of it, or it's gone completely.

That's up to him, CC. That guy that just hurt you terribly. That guy that you love. We all understand.

Now it's up to him. Don't try to do it for him. He needs to bear the burden of re-establishing trust. You're not doing anything wrong by being hurt. You're not taking too long to get over it. Don't blame yourself for your pain.

Best wishes for you!

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