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livebythesea posted 8/19/2013 18:50 PM

I am trying so hard to move on with my life - our life! It has been one week now that I am back at work, trying to concentrate and do my job diligently. Everything takes effort.

Today, these thoughts were attacking me. Is he telling me the truth, is he remorseful, will I fully forgive him. The list goes on and on.

So, I had a bad day. Of course, when he comes home from work it is hard to hide. So he ask me "what's wrong". And I say nothing, he insists, so I say "one guess", then he says, WHY? Then I say, it is not going to go away just like that. Then he literally walks away. Minutes later, picks up a book, and goes to sleep in the other room. Leaves me stranded with emotions, frustrations and pain beyond belief. I approach him in the spare room, he his tired, and more or less does not want to talk. Then I tell him, we need to talk we need to address this. Can't just walk away, sleep in another bedroom.

Nothing comes of it. I go to my room, hurt, cry and simply do not want to be in my skin cause the pain is so deep.

I go to the room to talk, and he is sound asleep. I can't do this. He says we are going to fix this together, but he is not there for me when I need him. I had a bad day, did I over react. He is suppose to be there for me, he walks away.

LosferWords posted 8/19/2013 18:56 PM


I'm so sorry you are having a bad day.

I'm not impressed with how he handled this. I don't think you are overreacting at all. Sounds like he just kind of checked out on you.

Are you in MC?

Hang in there...

ETA: Edited to remove the smiley that I accidentally put in there.

[This message edited by LosferWords at 6:57 PM, August 19th (Monday)]

Skan posted 8/19/2013 19:42 PM

Well. Talk about doing absolutely nothing, nada, not one damned thing, to be helpful. Geeze, you had a bad day and he just made it much, much worse. When 5 minutes of kindness and listening might have been able to help turn it around.

Hope he likes sleeping in the spare room for quite some time. I sure wouldn't be inviting him into my space any time soon. (((hugs)))

RockyMtn posted 8/19/2013 21:11 PM

Yea, he is out of line.

Some people need more space. Some need to limit these conversations to X,Y,Z amount of time.

But he doesn't get that chance. Not now, not so early in the game. And even if he were have such a luxury, that doesn't mean ignoring pain altogether.

I'm sorry, livebythesea. I wouldn't give him the pleasure of my company or my words for awhile. Is there something else you can do when you hae a bad day besides turn to him? you can't control his response to you - but you can control whether you give him the opportunity to treat you like shit.

ShedSomeLight posted 8/20/2013 05:34 AM

I with you ! "Hugs". I am going thru the exact same thing.I am about three weeks out of the day I found out. My feeling are all over the place. One minute I want to try...the next I want to just get the hell out of here forever and assume another identity. He is VERY remorseful...trying to talk things out. I had a HUGE trigger last night and I just wanted to be alone, which really hurt him. He was the one crying in our bedroom. I slept with our dog on the couch because I just needed to be alone with my thoughts I think this will be the hardest thing we all ever "forgive". I will allow myself to feel the emotions I need to feel, and I think you should as well. Be kind to yourself. Do you have at least one close friend you have confided in ? For me I have my best friend of many year and my sister. I talk to them both when I need to. We are all going to have bad days... I am learning quickly that this is not a quick process. Coming here and writing about it really helps me. My thought are with you. Hang in there... take a deep breath and know that no matter what happens will be ok.

bionicgal posted 8/20/2013 08:21 AM

Have you tried setting aside a time to talk? That way you are both committing to talking/being heard.

livebythesea posted 8/20/2013 11:52 AM

Come home early from work today. Could not stay at work. When I got home, (lunch time) he was here. Much to my surprise. We talked (I talked). Not cornering him, letting him know how I felt. First I wanted him to know that I no longer feel safe with him, I at times doubt the love he has for me. Secondly, trust is gone, baby step to rebuild and will take time. A long time. Discussed his cell phone - internet browser. He clears his history, I asked him not to do that. He acted like he did not know what I was talking about. One of our deal breaker was to not have any porn whatsoever. Also talked about my wondering if his cheating will ever take place again. Of course he said, NEVER! That I should delete that thought out of my mind.
Anyway, I do feel better since we talked. Also told him I need him 24/7. Not to shut me out when I need comforting.

Truthfully, he does not get it. He does not get the fact that what he did crucified me. He believes that we should move on, stop living in the past. It is not that easy. I wish it was.

LivingALie posted 8/20/2013 12:19 PM

Oh boy – I’ve been in your shoes. It really does take a while before they get the idea that HE has to help YOU get through this-

My H used to say – I’ll do whatever it takes. Then I would outline a few things – and yep, you guessed – he couldn’t do them. Oh and his saying he didn’t realize what you meant about deleting the browser history? Oh yeah – my H would say the same thing – “Oh, I didn’t know you meant XYZ” – sure, I’d give him the benefit of doubt – but one day I just got so angry that I blew up – You damn well KNOW that’s unacceptable! Don’t play his little games – he knows what he should be doing and what he shouldn’t be doing.

He really just wants to rugsweep the whole thing. I remember when my H was SURPRISED that I didn’t trust what came out of his mouth – really, he was – I asked him to give me one good reason why I would believe him? I am so frustrated reading your post because it sounds like exactly what I’ve gone through – and still go through sometimes. I’m much further out than you – and my H still frustrates me sometimes. When my H would act selfish (like yours is – by refusing to talk to you) I would get so angry – and I had to say over and over and over again – this is not about how “you” feel – its about how *I* feel – and that’s what they can’t seem to get. Or you have 1 good conversation and inside they’re thinking “phewww..this is finally over” only to have you come back the next day needing to talk again.

I remember those days of barely functioning at work – I was doing the bare minimum to get through the day. I do remember the early days where it seemed I was always doing all the talking – and he was listening (or supposed to be, anyway). One tactic I did try was to say to him “ok, tell me what you think…tell me whats going on in your mind..I’ll try my best not interrupt you” that was really helpful. Were all the conversations productive? Absolutely not, but it was a start. Or I used to ask him questions “what do you think this feels like for me” things along those lines – at least it got him thinking for a few minutes about something other than himself.

I would also try to make him understand that I wasn’t starting this conversations to make him feel bad or punished – what I needed was answers. I would try so hard to stay calm, etc. It was a process, for sure.

Really, my heart goes out to you.

Alex CR posted 8/20/2013 12:29 PM

So sorry you are having a bad day....and no, you are not overreacting.

Your H copped out....he needs to give 400% effort whether or not it's uncomfortable for him. It's not about him now...not if he wants to R.... it's about you healing and him doing whatever it takes to help make that happen.

Has your WS read 'How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair?'

So many years my H and I were together and although I don't have reason or evidence to believe he cheated prior to this 5 year LTA, I know in my gut, he must have. You don't become a liar and a cheat overnight. It is something broken in them that allows them to betray their families and themselves. Your H needs to figure out why he did what he did and work on himself while at the same time help you to feel safe and wanted and loved.

R is not an easy road and takes loads of time and consistent caring by the WS.... consistently putting your needs above WS's, over and over.

Counseling helped us with our communication skills......hope your days get better......

doesitgetbetter posted 8/20/2013 14:29 PM

This is how you two deal with each other, and you are doing the same thing to him. You will both fight, then you will both shut up tight about everything and pretend that the other doesn't exist and go on about your happy life, then you will both end up not ignoring the other and life is grand until another trigger happens, and then it's wash, rinse, repeat. You are both doing this to yourselves, and each time YOU do it, you are encouraging him to do it more as well.

Get thee hence to MC.

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