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This is how I will cope from now on

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suckstobeme posted 8/19/2013 19:51 PM

I'm going to pretend that douche face died . I need to learn to cope a little better and kick him more out of my mind so when I think of him, I will imagine that he's dead, cold and buried.

Housefulloflove posted 8/19/2013 22:10 PM

I do something similar. Sometimes I pretend that the man I have to interact with for our children's sake is the demon-possessed body of the guy I married.

Sparkles posted 8/19/2013 22:21 PM

Ha! Me too.

I pretend I'm dealing with crazed sociopathic clown who's having delusions of grandeur.

CharlieFoxtrot posted 8/19/2013 22:34 PM

I had to do this, too. Even grieved the same way (for death) during absolute NC time. It was hard at first to see the person that *slightly resembles* the man I used to love, but coming face to face with the realization that he most likely was never *that guy* left no option. It sucks.

((((suckstobeme))))

nowiknow23 posted 8/19/2013 22:50 PM

This is actually an exercise that my IC lead me through in the early days. I had been butting my head against the brick wall of unfulfilled expectations - expecting that he would put the kids first, expecting that he would keep his word with them, expecting that he would be an active and positive presence in their lives.

The exercise taught me to rely on myself, drop all expectations of wasband being who I THOUGHT he was, and recalibrated me to expect nothing. It dramatically reduced my frustration and anxiety about his failings as a father, and hammered home to me that the only thing I can control is me. My actions, my reactions, my expectations.

Phoenix1 posted 8/19/2013 22:55 PM

I do this too. It makes NC easier and keeps me focused on the fact that he has abandoned his family both financially and emotionally and it is all on me now. Once the D is final, he will truly be dead to me.

dmari posted 8/19/2013 23:00 PM

I had to do this too. The stbx is thought I knew died and now I just see a stranger. I'm one of the lucky ones who doesn't have to see their WS much. I really like the exercise NIK's IC did with her!

SBB posted 8/19/2013 23:05 PM

I do it too. It's the only way I can cope with greiving for the fuckturd formerly known as husband without wanting to kick my own arse for still grieving.

It works.

NoTriangles posted 8/20/2013 06:04 AM

I did this too. Because it's true. The man I loved IS dead. Gone forever. I even wrote out his obituary as a cathartic exercise. Cause of death: suicide.

cmego posted 8/20/2013 07:41 AM

I'm with NIK...

and recalibrated me to expect nothing. It dramatically reduced my frustration and anxiety about his failings as a father, and hammered home to me that the only thing I can control is me. My actions, my reactions, my expectations.

The way I survived was to realize I needed to have ZERO expectations. If I expected anything from him, I was always disappointed. When he would try to call me names, I learned to chant back, "You are no longer allowed to tell me how to think or feel." and I would walk away. When I trained myself to stop expecting him to do the right thing, I felt so much better. His choices and action are all on him and I will never understand....and I stopped trying. I let go.

AlwaysBeenStrong posted 8/20/2013 07:46 AM

I am still trying to do this, it's so recent. I am trying to find the anger everyone says I will have for him soon. I just want to go back to the strong woman I was before the A.

sparkysable posted 8/20/2013 09:18 AM

I talked to a woman at divorcecare who had been both a betrayed spouse, and widowed (2 different men) I can't remember what order they occurred in, but she said that being a betrayed spouse was BY FAR more painful and more difficult to get over, than losing her husband by death.

I believe it.

solus sto posted 8/20/2013 09:28 AM

I pretty much do the same. I never knew Trac-Fone-- not even for a minute of our 30+ year relationship. So it's pretty easy to imagine him dead.

On my bad days, I mentally spend his life insurance, for which I remain beneficiary. Yesterday, I mentally refinished the basement, put in a pool, added a porch, and paid for our daughter's wedding.

[This message edited by solus sto at 9:28 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)]

ajsmom posted 8/20/2013 10:03 AM

My sister's DH died in June of 2009, a month before my D was final.

She is far and away further healed than I am and they enjoyed a 43 year marriage.

AJ's MOM

Mandilwen posted 8/20/2013 10:09 AM

On my bad days, I mentally spend his life insurance, for which I remain beneficiary. Yesterday, I mentally refinished the basement, put in a pool, added a porch, and paid for our daughter's wedding.

I used the same coping technique back in the early days...then there was a long while where I didn't have to see him at all, he could get the kids from school/daycare. There were daily texts about the kids though, since they were so young.

I think it is a good way to let go and heal. The marriage/future life together is dead. It also helped my brain place him in his new role as the kids' father, not my husband or friend, but a co-parent. I have one expectation of him and that is to pick up the kids when it is his time, otherwise let me know. We both try to adjust our parenting times if needed. When I see him now, I can't even recall the feeling of ever being married to the guy or living with him. I guess it worked too well, lol!

Housefulloflove posted 8/20/2013 12:02 PM

On my bad days, I mentally spend his life insurance, for which I remain beneficiary.

You too!?!

tryingagain74 posted 8/20/2013 12:51 PM

I think of my XWH as the hired help who comes to get my kids and watches them so that I can get work done and have a social life. We used to speak briefly to each other on pick up/drop off, but ever since he's moved the Owife in, I avoid him as much as possible, which has helped with my detachment and my feeling that he's a employee rather than an ex-husband.

Everyone thinks that my ex has a mental illness or a brain tumor after what he's done since he seems to have done a complete personality/morality change. The man I thought I knew, who maybe never really existed, truly is dead because everything that I thought was good about him no longer exists.

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