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Newest Member: silenceisnotgold (46036)

User Topic: This is how I will cope from now on
suckstobeme
♀ 30853
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, August 19th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm going to pretend that douche face died . I need to learn to cope a little better and kick him more out of my mind so when I think of him, I will imagine that he's dead, cold and buried.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2909 | Registered: Jan 2011
Housefulloflove
♀ 38458
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, August 19th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do something similar. Sometimes I pretend that the man I have to interact with for our children's sake is the demon-possessed body of the guy I married.


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
Sparkles
♀ 39901
Member # 39901
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, August 19th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ha! Me too.

I pretend I'm dealing with crazed sociopathic clown who's having delusions of grandeur.


Posts: 138 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: NW
CharlieFoxtrot
♀ 38010
Member # 38010
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, August 19th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had to do this, too. Even grieved the same way (for death) during absolute NC time. It was hard at first to see the person that *slightly resembles* the man I used to love, but coming face to face with the realization that he most likely was never *that guy* left no option. It sucks.

((((suckstobeme))))


Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

Posts: 505 | Registered: Jan 2013
nowiknow23
♀ 33226
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, August 19th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is actually an exercise that my IC lead me through in the early days. I had been butting my head against the brick wall of unfulfilled expectations - expecting that he would put the kids first, expecting that he would keep his word with them, expecting that he would be an active and positive presence in their lives.

The exercise taught me to rely on myself, drop all expectations of wasband being who I THOUGHT he was, and recalibrated me to expect nothing. It dramatically reduced my frustration and anxiety about his failings as a father, and hammered home to me that the only thing I can control is me. My actions, my reactions, my expectations.


You can call me NIK

"Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you."
-Walt Whitman


Posts: 26507 | Registered: Aug 2011
Phoenix1
♀ 38928
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, August 19th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do this too. It makes NC easier and keeps me focused on the fact that he has abandoned his family both financially and emotionally and it is all on me now. Once the D is final, he will truly be dead to me.


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,18 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1314 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
dmari
♀ 37215
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, August 19th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had to do this too. The stbx is thought I knew died and now I just see a stranger. I'm one of the lucky ones who doesn't have to see their WS much. I really like the exercise NIK's IC did with her!


Me (BS): 43 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Divorced September 30, 2014
"It's always darkest before the dawn ..."

Posts: 2336 | Registered: Oct 2012
SBB
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, August 19th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do it too. It's the only way I can cope with greiving for the fuckturd formerly known as husband without wanting to kick my own arse for still grieving.

It works.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5734 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
NoTriangles
♀ 35985
Member # 35985
Default  Posted: 6:04 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did this too. Because it's true. The man I loved IS dead. Gone forever. I even wrote out his obituary as a cathartic exercise. Cause of death: suicide.


Me: Finding my Sunlight
Him: Traitor in my Foxhole
Let go or get dragged.

Posts: 1252 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: a state of consciousness
cmego
♀ 30346
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm with NIK...

and recalibrated me to expect nothing. It dramatically reduced my frustration and anxiety about his failings as a father, and hammered home to me that the only thing I can control is me. My actions, my reactions, my expectations.

The way I survived was to realize I needed to have ZERO expectations. If I expected anything from him, I was always disappointed. When he would try to call me names, I learned to chant back, "You are no longer allowed to tell me how to think or feel." and I would walk away. When I trained myself to stop expecting him to do the right thing, I felt so much better. His choices and action are all on him and I will never understand....and I stopped trying. I let go.


me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced


Posts: 4284 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
AlwaysBeenStrong
♀ 39888
Member # 39888
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am still trying to do this, it's so recent. I am trying to find the anger everyone says I will have for him soon. I just want to go back to the strong woman I was before the A.


BW: 41 (me)
Divorced soon.
Moving forward.
Pre Nursing Student
Getting a Do over at 42

Posts: 125 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Lonelyville
sparkysable
♀ 3703
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I talked to a woman at divorcecare who had been both a betrayed spouse, and widowed (2 different men) I can't remember what order they occurred in, but she said that being a betrayed spouse was BY FAR more painful and more difficult to get over, than losing her husband by death.

I believe it.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3564 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
solus sto
♀ 30989
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I pretty much do the same. I never knew Trac-Fone-- not even for a minute of our 30+ year relationship. So it's pretty easy to imagine him dead.

On my bad days, I mentally spend his life insurance, for which I remain beneficiary. Yesterday, I mentally refinished the basement, put in a pool, added a porch, and paid for our daughter's wedding.

[This message edited by solus sto at 9:28 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)]


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 9153 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
ajsmom
♀ 17460
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My sister's DH died in June of 2009, a month before my D was final.

She is far and away further healed than I am and they enjoyed a 43 year marriage.

AJ's MOM


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21118 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
Mandilwen
♀ 27186
Member # 27186
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On my bad days, I mentally spend his life insurance, for which I remain beneficiary. Yesterday, I mentally refinished the basement, put in a pool, added a porch, and paid for our daughter's wedding.

I used the same coping technique back in the early days...then there was a long while where I didn't have to see him at all, he could get the kids from school/daycare. There were daily texts about the kids though, since they were so young.

I think it is a good way to let go and heal. The marriage/future life together is dead. It also helped my brain place him in his new role as the kids' father, not my husband or friend, but a co-parent. I have one expectation of him and that is to pick up the kids when it is his time, otherwise let me know. We both try to adjust our parenting times if needed. When I see him now, I can't even recall the feeling of ever being married to the guy or living with him. I guess it worked too well, lol!


BS-34; WXH-32; DS8; DS3; OC3
DDay: SEPT 2008
Divorced: JUNE 2010

Posts: 318 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Indy
Housefulloflove
♀ 38458
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On my bad days, I mentally spend his life insurance, for which I remain beneficiary.

You too!?!


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
tryingagain74
♀ 33698
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think of my XWH as the hired help who comes to get my kids and watches them so that I can get work done and have a social life. We used to speak briefly to each other on pick up/drop off, but ever since he's moved the Owife in, I avoid him as much as possible, which has helped with my detachment and my feeling that he's a employee rather than an ex-husband.

Everyone thinks that my ex has a mental illness or a brain tumor after what he's done since he seems to have done a complete personality/morality change. The man I thought I knew, who maybe never really existed, truly is dead because everything that I thought was good about him no longer exists.


FBS; now happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3659 | Registered: Oct 2011
Topic Posts: 17

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