So tomorrow marks 1 year since I found the evidence of my wifeís affair. Part of me died that day. I have gone through so much pain, grief, anger, sadness, anxiety, fear, depression, doubt, disgust, happiness, love, hope and self-awareness. I don't wish having to go through this on anyone. Yet we are all here on SI together to try and help each other, sift through the bs, help each other when we know we aren't seeing clear. All of us here are just trying to make logic of something so painful and illogical itself. I am grateful I found this site and thanks to everyone for the 4x4's when I needed them.
My journey has been much like others but everyoneís is a little different. After DDay I heard "I am not in love with you anymore. I am in love with someone else and I am leaving you" Those were some harsh words to hear. I begged, pleaded and tried to convince her to stay but her mind was made up. So I help her get out. Packed her stuff and sent her on her way. It took her almost 1 1/2 month of being on her own to come back to me. Since then we started working on reconciliation. (It was a lot for intense than that but I donít feel like going there right now. Not the point of writing this. Check my profile if you want the details. Crazy sh&% I can tell you that)
Itís been quite an adventure for me. I have learned a lot about myself mentally. I have found out that a big part of me died that day and I was forever changed from her A but I wear my scar proudly. Not that I am proud it happened but it is my battle wound. I learned that I can overcome one of the hardest things to overcome. Itís still a work in process but itís a lot easier now. My marriage has changed so much. We are so different than we used to be. She is much more compassionate and I am much more present. We actually have fun again. Last night we wrestled like we were little kids just dating. Our communication is so much better. Our intimacy is improving. Trust on both ends is being restored. Our family life is much happier and our kids are so much happier too.
1 year ago my life flipped upside down. I never would have thought we would be where we are at now. I look forward to the next year of getting closer. Building more intimacy and having fun.
A couple things that helped me out:
Try and control your emotions the best you can. Itís ok to lose it. Itís ok to have off days just try and not get stuck there.
Try and ease your mind. Do things for yourself. You lose a sense of self through this. Try and rediscover who you are. You are a new person so you need to find out about you.
If you are in reconciliation and BOTH working on things. The biggest thing that helped us was to start making new memories. Start dating each other again and don't ever stop.
Talk through the details. Take about the pain. Feel it, Live it, Accept it and Heal it.
Learn to listen and be present.
Seek to understand each other. Donít just talk and listen. Talk to express and Listen to try and make the other person feel understood
Its ok to have bad days or weeks but on your good days try and enjoy it. Have fun even if its for a couple minutes. (Helps with the mind movies)
Study and learn. Educate yourself. Even if you spouse doesnít. Your journey to heal is different than your WS.
Healing is not text book. What work for some on SI doesnít for others. Take people advice but if your spouse isnít doing XYZ doesnít mean they arenít trying.
Keep moving forward. Donít get stuck in a spot. Especially if itís a negative one.
You know I have been with my wife for over 8 years. I didn't realize how much I didn't know about her until I started being present in my life and marriage. Its sad, I shared a bed and kids and a house with this woman but I didn't know much about who she was. I am grateful we both have had an opportunity to get to know each other again. I am grateful for our MC. He is awesome and thanks SI for your support!!!
I am no expert bust that is my story and what has worked for us so far. But I wouldnít even be here if my wife didnít want it as bad as I do.
(A happy life is a journey not a destination)