SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

90Worthless90 posted 8/19/2013 20:38 PM

Did your spouse get better at Hiding their infidelity? How did you know?

My partner was never really remorseful about his affair. I have been getting that gut feeling that he is back at it.
He was recently told he was being promoted to supervisor at his job, and this included some changes in his work schedule.
He worked alternating 12 hour shifts before. 7pm - 7am one month and 7am - 7pm the next.
When he started training he was to work normal 8 hour shifts. 7am - 3pm.
One day he told me he would start working over time because they were building a new furnace (he works in an aluminum plant ). He started coming home at different hours. Some days he would come home at 4 some days at 7, etc.
This leaves a bad taste in my mouth because during his affair he often told me he was going to work when he was really going to spend time with her. Once he even told me he was taking his friend's night 12 hour shift ( he was working days ) so he could spend the night with her.

About 3 months ago I found another one of her fake facebooks. Not long after I was investigating his car, and found a ripped piece of paper.I could make out the word paola. I asked him and he cussed at men and said it was from his job. He often has to write down the metals he puts inside the furnace. I didn't buy it but let it go...

Those are the only clues I have. Before he was leaving irrefutable proof everywhere. So he couldn't lie.

He has been starting dumb fights. He started an argument with me a few minutes ago because I made a frozen pizza for dinner and didn't make a pot of rice.

I can't bring anything up, because it turns in to a huge fight about me being paranoid and not letting things go...

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:22 PM, August 19th (Monday)]

LadyQ posted 8/19/2013 20:52 PM

Mine was never truly remorseful. It came out in little ways, like making comments like "if only you had *fill in the blank here*, I wouldn't have cheated", or pointing out my flaws as if the fact that I'm a terrible housekeeper was reason enough to stray. I found out nearly 9 months after dday that he never deleted the last ow's phone number. Within days of me saying I'd had enough of false R (a year into it), he was back on line trying to hook up with the chick.

I think I only believed we were in reconciliation for a few months, though. On July 4th, after dday, when we were supposed to be "giving it our all", he was texting her. I suspected that they had had a physical affair, but he always denied it. I finally got him to admit the truth, but in the meantime discovered he'd been visiting Craig's list looking for casual hook-ups. This all took place between the end of May when he told her it was over and the end of November when he finally confessed to screwing her.

He played the role of remorseful husband for a while, but since he really hadn't made any substantial changes (and obviously didn't plan to), the veneer wore off pretty fast, and he was back to his old tricks, showing all the same signs as before.

Sorry you find yourself here. It's definitely no fun....

ionlytalkedtoher posted 8/19/2013 20:58 PM

my husband is remorseful but I fear he may just be really good at hiding and faking.

Jospehine85 posted 8/19/2013 21:27 PM

My partner was never really remorseful about his affair.

May I ask why you decided to stay in the marriage then?

(((90w90)))

inconnu posted 8/19/2013 21:32 PM

ex took the affair underground, and for a long while said and did just enough of the right things to keep me off balance enough that I wouldn't dig any deeper. But, I was spending lots of time here on SI, and as I gathered more and more knowledge, the more obvious it became that he was at the very least, still in contact with OW. Also, he couldn't keep up the act, and reverted to a lot of his pre-d-day behavior - not being available when I called his cell phone, being gone for 4-6 hours when he went on a bike ride that should have only been 2-3 hours, that sort of stuff.

Gr8Lady posted 8/19/2013 21:39 PM

I once saw aDr Phil episode on infidelity. The WS was complaining that BS was suspicious. WS question was "how long would he have to make an effort"
Dr Phil said. UNTL
Then he elaborated that the BS must feel the WS "gets it" and is remorseful.
Now I don't agree with all Dr Phil shows, but certainly true reconciliation is NOT occurring if WS is texting OW (for example)

My gut is pretty trustworthy, and historically most BS can rely on theirs as well. As nice considerate honorable humans we want to believe we are wrong.
Sad that honorable, trustworthy partners find themselves with a person that can easily and selfishly risk everything for an affair

whatamidoing posted 8/19/2013 21:45 PM

My WH says he meant R at the time and then he didn't (but could not tell me cause it would hurt me)
He did this to me countless times over this year)
Each time he just kept up the affair
OW let it happen even though she knew
His family even bought in to the A by the end
WH even fooled two therapists and our staff at work
And our son 10yrs old was also fooled
And all WH has to say about it is he wanted to mean it when he said he was going to try to fix things but even though he didn't take one step in actual R he changed his mind!
It still hurt even though I stopped buying in I still hoped

ButterflyGirl posted 8/19/2013 21:48 PM

I had 1 month of false R. He promised it was and had been over for a long time. What a bunch of bull..

Your H doesn't sound very remorseful to me..

Starting fights over nothing is a huge red flag. STBX did that to me all the damn time during his affair. It's like they are trying to justify their cheating by causing problems in the marriage.

Odd hours are also a big red flag. Mine was also "working late," "working early," and "going to see his mom" when he was cheating..

My STBX also took the affair underground by using the chat feature on a word game on his phone.

I would do some digging girl. You don't deserve this kind of disrespectful treatment, and something smells VERY fishy to me..

You have every right to be paranoid, and he's being a total dick by making you feel you should just "let things go." That's manipulative, wayward behavior..

Good luck to you.. Hugs..

Ostrich80 posted 8/20/2013 01:10 AM

I am one that thought I was in R. On DD, ws said ow meant nothing, ge would never be with her if we D ( strange cuz he could be with her while M)..he made me feel like.he meant it, I believed him. He promised MC and NC. Within a month, he refused to go to mc, within 6wks I was feeling the cold wind. I joined SI and was quickly schooled in the definition of R..I was in R mode, he was not.
I started having gut feelings again but damn he was so effin good at hiding his trail. I couldn't find anything but I felt it. He began falling asleep earlier and earlier at night ..code for no sex, he retreated to the bedroom after work and rarely came out. My ws has never been one that went to bars or was late from work, so he's really hard to catch because I don't know how he does it. Whenever I would question him about how I felt he was shutting down with me again, he would get mad and say I was just trying ro find something. We never talked about the A, so I never got the entire story. Maybe if he would have divulged info on how he managed it timewise, I may have had a clue for later
He did go underground. I confirmed
Feb,'12. I have no idea what he's git planned. He acts like we are gonna be together forever. If I hadn't had DD2, I would think everything was A ok. I believe he has,something up.his sleeve. He will have a nice chunk of $ in about 2yrs. Maybe he's waiting for $, or maybe he's waiting til our youngest turns 18..no c.s., or maybe he's slowly poisoning me, so in 2yrs he won't have to give me half. I know that for him to still be involved with ow for so many yrs, I doubt if he intends on dumping her.

RedRose posted 8/20/2013 19:19 PM

I have thought we were in R twice. The first time, he apologized, we started MC, he said he was completely done with her, etc. my gut told me he was lying - he was making an effort to be home on time, but started leaving his phone in his car instead of charging it in our bedroom like he used to do. He would apologize, but wasn't being transparent at all. After Dday 2, he again said the right things, except that he still wouldn't give up his phone when I asked for it. I finally got smart and looked at the phone bill, and found that the A had never ended.
Trust your gut - I have found that mine hasn't been wrong yet.

Butterfly, I hadn't even thought about chatting on a word game - I will need to check that!

Dallas2 posted 8/21/2013 12:58 PM

Is there anyplace I don't belong here?

I am one who found out years later. I suspected at the time but he convinced me I was just nuts. Now I am beginning to wonder if I have become so.

We went to MC and IC. We only did MC a short while and he went to IC two or three times.

MY MC and IC said he was NPD. I didn't comprehent what that meant. I am learning. He really can't empathize with me my hurt and anger.

He confessed and did some TT for awhile. He then told me it was to painful for him to talk about it. Hell, what about my pain??

Three years later and he siad the dumbest thing a WS can say(IMHO). He said"He has no regrets in his life."
Guess what I do. I should have pushed every issue I had. Now I am not sure he can do anything to make me stay.

I believe true R is both the WS and BS working on a better and new M. I feel I have done the work and he has reaped the benefits.

Only time will tell what will happen now. I know if I continue to stay we have to rehash the past and continue from there. If I go- it really doesn't matter about him. Either way back to IC for me.

Ostrich80 posted 8/21/2013 18:52 PM

@ redrose..I discovered the online game connections, I play ruzzle, and some guy kept asking me personal questions...creeped me out so I stopped playing for awhile and he went away...who would have thunk that one