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He's not who I thought, but neither am I

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Tripletrouble posted 8/19/2013 21:02 PM

I think it is safe to say the vast majority of BS here on SI were shocked to learn their spouse or SO was capable of such devastating and hurtful betrayal. Simply put, he is not who I thought he was. That is shocking after 20 years together. I have also found out, however, that I am not who I thought I was. That is shocking after more than 40 years of looking in the mirror. I never thought I would even consider staying, and for two weeks was dead set against it. So who am I now? A doormat? A woman of compassion and maturity? A spouse with a second chance at a better marriage than before? A fool setting herself up for D Day 2? A little of each? It's hard not to know who he is, but it's also hard not to know who I am.

brkn_heartd posted 8/19/2013 21:28 PM

Tripletrouble,
I know exactly what you mean. I never in my life thought I would stay if my WH had an A. I made sure when I graduated high school that I went to college so I could always take care of me and my family regardless of what happened to my H. My parents were going through an A at that time. Years later, when it was my turn....I couldn't believe he would do this to me....I couldn't believe I would stay. I couldn't believe I wasn't strong enough to tell him to get out when he started. I still wonder who he is and who I am at times. We are getting closer to who we both were, but we will never be the same again either.

jjsr posted 8/19/2013 22:24 PM

One thing I have learned thru this is you see the real person. For me, and a lot of people in our lives put my FWH up on a bit of a pedestal. Now I see him much more clearly for the flawed person he is. Its more honest but sometimes I still miss who I thought he was.

jjsr posted 8/19/2013 22:25 PM

One thing I have learned thru this is you see the real person. For me, and a lot of people in our lives put my FWH up on a bit of a pedestal. Now I see him much more clearly for the flawed person he is. Its more honest but sometimes I still miss who I thought he was.

bionicgal posted 8/20/2013 21:41 PM

A very true sentiment. . . For both good and ill on both of us!

Alex CR posted 8/21/2013 07:22 AM

So true....I continue to learn more about me and more that I don't know at a time in my life when I thought there would be no more surprises. And I can see we are both still changing.

After Dday, my H and I discovered we had both changed so much during our marriage but had continued to base our views of each other on the people we used to know. Through our work together to R, we've learned we must stop assuming we know what each other will think or how we'll react to something and we need to talk about it....to ask each other questions and be vulnerable.

Old habits are hard to break but we keep working at it. We knew each other so well for so long and then we stopped really listening to each other while we both continued to change.

I don't know the answers to your questions, but the journey to find them is probably an answer in itself if we continue to learn and grow.

huRtZ413 posted 8/21/2013 07:35 AM

Why is it that I read these things everyone see the WS diff? I see my WS as better than before because he is caring and attentive and considerate and helpful , he wasn't horrible before the A but he was distant and absorbed in hobbies rather than family .


I sometime wish I could see what you guys see maybe my decision would be easier cause I'd be sure to stay or go . It was literally that one night he treated me like nothing the next day he was honest and taking responsibility and has been thriving since is the pre-A behavior and post what he is or that one night? I honestly can only see that one flaw this new man has and as far as pre-a he was great to just distracted . Idk I'm lost.

As for me I feel the same as you .
I'm losing myself while he is now finding himself. I use to be the encouragement the support the persons that set the tune for everyone to be their best because I handle the leg work so that everyone can focus on them . Now I don't care what happens at his job what he wants to do in the future or his dreams for our family ....I just don't and its not like me . I'm just existing and though I still do want to go back to school I'm not seeing it as a great thing for the family but for me and my girls . That he will be the " support" that I need to get done what it is I need to do , I guess I feel I need to be selfish now.

Gr8Lady posted 8/21/2013 12:22 PM

This is so true. We approach things at each stage of our life, with the experiences we have drawn from thus far. True growth comes from the ability to understand that every action has a consequence, either good or bad. I understand appropriate boundaries are love. Choosing to be kind, thoughtful are traits, I want for myself. That does not indicate I want nor choose to be a doormat. Those days are in the past. Wisdom and life experience have taught me so much.
I intend to continue to grow emotionally.

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