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Out of place with the in laws

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SoAngryAndHurt posted 8/19/2013 23:59 PM

I moved here from another state 15 years ago. I only expected to stay a couple of years and return home. I met my husband married 10 years and 2 kids later am still here. I have no family here always thought of his family as mine. Now after the A I feel very out of place. Like obviously. I am not family. I'm not blood. obviously my WH is blood and regardless of how they feel about his actions-- he's still their family. I'm feeling very out of place and alone. If we are to really R....... I have no Intention of participating in "family " functions. Is that terrible? I haven't see. My in laws since dday about 3 months ago. We have exchanged limited texts and that's it

momentintime posted 8/20/2013 00:36 AM

You do what feels comfortable for you. Don't worry about what others may think. Your first priority is to take care of you.

babbs posted 8/20/2013 01:08 AM

Im on the other side of your situation. I'm the WW and my BH entire family has been "my family" for about 6 years. His parents say they ant us to reconcile and his dad went as far as sitting with me and talking to me shortly after DDay to tell me they still wanted me to be their d-in-law etc. I feel very much on the outside even though they have done everything possible to make me feel accepted. I realize I am extremely lucky that they are behaving this way toward me but... I'm still wondering when I will be disappointed as their true and justified feelings are revealed over time through action or verbal etc. I tell myself it doesn't matter but it does as my FOO is a mess... so I had replaced a lot through them. UGH this is horrible I don't know what to so either. Most of the time I'm polite and open to them but I'm scared. I know that I've broken what will never be the same. I'm certain they will despise me for the hurt I've caused their son.

I think in your case you should make some sort of effort to participate in some events. The more time that passes the more awkward it will be for you. Im sorry no one has reached out to you. I can see why you feel the way you do. Clearly it's up to you. just offering MHO

TxsT posted 8/20/2013 01:39 AM

Unfortunately for my MIL, my FIL is a big reason for a lot of the carp in our lives. I have never really felt like my H's family was much of a family at all. It is more like a real hugs, no talking about feelings. My FIL is a narcissistic jerk who, even at 94 has to be the only one in control. Since Dday I have really resented this mans presence in my life again. We have not told him about my WH A because we both fear he will use this information against us and the children. This from a man who changes his mind depending on the direction of the wind. You never know where you stand because of this.

I love my MIL. She is the best person you could ever hope for in this role. But at 94 we are scared to tell her about WH A because we feel it might cause her to die prematurely. I don't want to have that on my head for the rest of my life. Unfortunately though I have to spend very little time with her because she knows something is terribly wrong. Sad situation quite frankly.


jadasae posted 8/20/2013 05:48 AM

Funny isn't ex-MIL makes no attempt to keep in touch since my WH and I separated and divorced even though I was only DIL that ever freely visited and took the children to see her regularly. On the other side my family have remained close to my exWH....helping him out (he has bad health) dropping in and saying hi etc. They don't have anything to do with OW and leave if she arrives but go family won't wipe 30 years of relationship with him despite knowing his history of cheating and his wouldn't cross the street to say hi to me and I didn't do anything wrong. So don't know what your in laws are really thinking/feeling, but you get to choose where you put your energy and what relationships are worth it and which aren't. My life is so much nicer since I spend time with people I want to, not with people I have to

mchercheur posted 8/20/2013 06:30 AM

Same here. I also moved far away from my family & into WH's world when I married him. Also, I lost my mom to cancer when I was a kid, & had always hoped that my MIL would be like a second mother to me.
I certainly treated her the way I would have treated my own mother, with love, kindness & respect. For years I called her daily, tried to include her in our lives, etc.
Unfortunately, she turned out to be

a narcissistic jerk who has to be the only one in control

I have found out that she is an unremorseful WW & OW herself, having cheated on WH's Dad with a married man, & running off with the AP (she took her kids with her)----breaking up 2 families. I guess that's one of the reasons that WH was able to give himself permission to cheat. All of his life he heard from her " I didn't do anything wrong."

Have not had anything to do with my MIL since Dday since she said:

1.” Honey, what do you expect him to do, grovel?”

2. “Honey, I blame you --you drove him to it”

3.” Well honey, if you had kept the house cleaner & worn makeup more, this wouldn't have happened.”

4. “Honey, if you don't take him back, there will be 20 women lined up at the door for him.”

5.” Honey, your children will never forgive you for betraying them if you don't take him back.”

6. “Honey, he HAS to go out for lunch with her alone, they work together.”

7. “Honey, it was just 1 little mistake.”

8. “Get over it honey .

So, I have also had to accept this:

obviously. I am not family. I'm not blood. obviously my WH is blood and regardless of how they feel about his actions-- he's still their family.

I think the thread in JFO "Setting Healthy Boundaries"

is really applicable when dealing with inlaws like this.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 6:40 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)]

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