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Alexa posted 8/20/2013 00:11 AM

So he's been pretty nice these last few days almost too nice. Even my 16 year old asked if he was feeling guilty. (She has no clue.) We went to a very nice family dinner Saturday with the kids and daughter's boyfriend. Then I did a BBQ and more family time on Sunday. Today kids went to movies and we went for a drink. Sounds great doesn't it? Well that's where it all ended. I've been asking for him to be honest and I've been pushing so I shouldn't complain but I wasn't expecting what I was about to hear. I asked him how many there have been thinking he might say 2, 3 even 4 or 5. Well, multiply that by 3 (the 5 that is) Well he finally broke me. Not to mention, I think the waitress was one of them. He had the nerve to tell me I wasn't being social with her. Well excuse me if I no longer give a shit about neing nice to a whore that slept with my husband. And to think I thought she was actually a decent person. I don't know how much more I can handle. I'm totally devastated. I thought I could handle it but it's way more than I ever expected. On top of that, I read his text messages and he's meeting his current whore for lunch tomorrow. Then they're meeting again Wednesday after his supposed after work function that he wants me to buy him a new outfit for. I haven't decided if he's the crazy one or I am. We go to counseling again on Thursday. I'm beginning to think he isn't worth it. I thought he was trying but it's more like he's just trying to fake everything. Now I don't know what to do. This comes after I told family members today that he has been better. (They asked me.) Maybe I should stop asking for details. I thought it would be better if I found out all at once instead of hearing bits and pieces over time. I thought it would save me from reliving his "indiscretions" every time something popped up. In retrospect and to quote Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men, "you can't handle the truth." I still haven't figured out if he truly wants to reconcile like he says he does and he's having a difficult time breaking things off or he's just stringing me along. He swings from both sides and I'm still giving him the benefit of the doubt. I'm trying to believe he has a heart but he keeps proving me wrong. I asked him if he thought about how I feel discovering what he has done. I asked what if I cheated on him and how he would feel. He told me to go do the same. He actually gave me permission to sleep around which only makes me think that he thinks it's ok to do what he has done. Sometimes I would love to do what he suggested but I told him I have morals (which is what he lacks). Let's see what MC brings this week. This will definitely be a major point of discussion. I may not have been anywhere near a perfect wife but trust and honesty are the building blocks of any relationship and mine just crumbled.

Nature_Girl posted 8/20/2013 00:14 AM

He's stringing you along.

Don't waste your time & money on MC. Go meet with a divorce lawyer instead.

Don't buy him an outfit so he'll look good for his whore.

Go get yourself STD tested.

momentintime posted 8/20/2013 00:33 AM

Has dates set up this week...ummmm not a remorseful WS. He thinks he can have both. You can't change him, so take you out of the picture. If he gets his head straight he can come find you. End of story.

OnAnIsland posted 8/20/2013 01:23 AM

Time to take care of yourself and your children. 180 him. See a divorce attorney to know your rights. And start getting everything in order. Don't be his plan B.

I agree with nature girl, get std checks ASAP.

Eat, drink and sleep. Be gentle with yourself, but he doesn't deserve any kid gloves.

sparklezombie posted 8/20/2013 04:20 AM

If he's still dating he's not remorseful. Why would you want to continue like that? I would tell him he has to go nc , go to ic and you should consider separating if he doesn't. You should also be tested for std and I wouldn't be sleeping with him right now.

Lalagirl posted 8/20/2013 09:43 AM

Has dates set up this week...ummmm not a remorseful WS. He thinks he can have both. You can't change him, so take you out of the picture. If he gets his head straight he can come find you. End of story.

(((((Alexa)))))

I'm so sorry, sweetie. This man is in a fog so thick you can cut it with a knife.

Close the bakery darling. Enough is enough. No more chances. See an attorney, file, then see where IC takes you. IMO, MC is futile if the WS is not remorseful and is in NC with all APs. He definitely needs IC, no question about that. And you could use it as well to help you cope with this horrible mess.

PS - do you know where he's meeting his whore tomorrow? I'd show the fuck up - with D papers.

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 9:45 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)]

Holly-Isis posted 8/20/2013 09:47 AM

You're sending him the message that it's ok to date while he's M. Like others have said, MC is a waste of time right now. Even if you can get past the number of As he's had, he's not going to stop unless he has a reason to stop.

Obviously you knowing and being in pain isn't enough. It has to affect him directly.

[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 9:47 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)]

k9lover1 posted 8/20/2013 10:03 AM

Ok, I'm totally lost.

He's meeting one of his whores twice and you are confused about what?

NeverAgain2013 posted 8/20/2013 11:18 AM

Alexa, it's time to fold your hand and leave the table.

Unfortunately, sometimes we're so deep in the forest that we can't see the trees, and I fear that's where you area.

Marriage Counseling is completely pointless when only ONE of the participants actually cares to save the marriage - and that person would be YOU.

Lawyer up. It's time to stop allowing this man to steamroll you.

Good luck to you.

k94ever posted 8/20/2013 12:15 PM

Alexa....my FWS had 14 FB's but the major difference is he STOPPED and did everything he could to fix himself and the marriage.

Yours isn't. He's stringing you along. It's time you stop hurting yourself and your kids and get out of this situation.

BTW...your 16 year old either knows or suspects. Adults always under-estimate the observational powers of kids.

Cancel the counseling and go see a lawyer.

k9

meplusfour posted 8/20/2013 13:36 PM

((Alexa))

It's time to walk away and protect yourself from any further hurt. Your WH does not deserve the benefit of the doubt, nor is he proving himself worthy of you. Let the pathetic OWs have his lying ass. By giving you "permission" to engage in your own A, indicates that he does not have any empathy, remorse or regret for his wayward actions. In fact, if you were to have an A, I'm pretty sure that he will use it in his own mind to justify his actions and his mistreatment of you.

If you want to go to this last MC session, use it as an opportunity to deliver your final position to your WH. MC is difficult even with a remorseful WH who is doing everything to address the A, but engaging in MC with a WH who is still lying and cheating, is a waste of money and time. Schedule a consultation with a lawyer for the day afterwards the MC, you need to move on.

tushnurse posted 8/20/2013 14:14 PM

ditto what everyone else has said.

Why are allowing him to have both? Seriously. He hasn't stopped because he hasn't had any consquences for his actions.

Time for you to stop getting hurt, time for you to make yourself your priority. Do not allow him to do this to you. This is a messed up way for your kids to see an M. This is not what a good M is. It's abusive on many levels. I am angry for you.

Your 16 year old has picked up on something I can guarantee you that. Time to show her how to demand the respect you deserve.

(((and strength)))

strongerdaybyday posted 8/20/2013 14:27 PM

Time to take care of yourself and your children. 180 him. See a divorce attorney to know your rights. And start getting everything in order. Don't be his plan B

^^^THIS^^^

Good luck hun (((hugs & strength)))

emotionalgirl posted 8/20/2013 17:41 PM

Alexa....my WH was non remorseful, refused to stop seeing the OW and refused to go NC he claims she is just a good friend ( one he lies and sneaks behind his wife's back to see) He gave me a few false R but turned out he had just gotten better at hiding. The other day I really started to listen to what everyone here was saying I put my bitch boots on gave him my ground rules and moved into our spare room. I am completely 180! Holy hell he is suddenly realizing I mean business. I am doing 180 for me but it is sure making him realize he can't cake eat. your WH wants an open marriage by the sounds of it, wonder what MC would say about that! (((( hugs))))

nestlee posted 8/20/2013 19:20 PM

Seriously he doesn't sound remorseful at all. U have to really put your foot down. Tell him to shape up or F off. Time to do a 180 on his ass. Don't ever be someone's second choice. You should always come in as #1.

Alexa posted 8/20/2013 22:02 PM

Thank you all for the advice. I agree with each and every one of you. I'm totally done with his lies, multiple affairs/one night stands and whatever else I have yet to discover. I have given him an ultimatum regarding the OW, his constant nights out, etc... I tried to kick him out. He refuses to leave. The bitch boots need to be a little bitchier. I have his family and mine on my side. They are all against him. He hates it and he ignores their calls and texts. His own mother told him not to set foot in her house until he changes. We are all fed up with his lifestyle. Last week I locked him out of the house when I woke up at 2:30am and he wasn't home. I was nice enough to inform him and he still didn't show up until 8am. I just now sent him a text and said if he wasn't home by 11 that I was locking the doors again and he could take his trash ho to Meier and go buy himself some clothes for his 7am meeting. Problem is nothing phases him. He just keeps coming back for more. As for getting tested for std's, I'm not too worried. We haven't done anything in ages because he was a jerk before this all started which is why he went elsewhere to satisfy his needs. Even if I wasn't married to him, I wouldn't want to be friends with him. He's just not a nice person anymore. Waiting for MC on Thursday to drop the bomb on him. I hope the counselor can help me convince him he needs to move out. Otherwise I will be packing his things up next week when the kids go back to school. I don't want them to see me doing it. Not sure what I will tell them but I'll figure it out. Any suggestions?

womaninflux posted 8/20/2013 22:25 PM

Agree - MC is futile if NC is not being followed. Don't waste your $. I just found out my WH was "on a break" (at the suggestion of his AP) after DD, in contact via text during the month after DD and did not break it off for good until 6 weeks after DD. So that entire time between DD and 6 weeks later he was gaslighting me just like the 2 1/2 years prior.

What helped me was to put myself as a priority, ignore him (only talk about financials and the kids), stop catering to him in any way, see a lawyer to find out my options, hire a personal trainer and seek IC. I went underground and isolated myself. It was pretty bad - people knew something was up. I am lucky in that there wasn't too much time left in the school year so I could wait it out til summer and then not run into too many people regularly. A few core friends knew what was going on - and I am grateful I told them...you need to feel like you AREN'T the crazy one.

I won't say we are in R - far from it - but at least I am not threatening D on a daily basis.

kiki1 posted 8/20/2013 22:35 PM

(((Alexa)))

My h and i had to separate after dday.

His head too was firmly up his ass. When i think of how ignorant I was of the "fog" and things i did to try and counter act it, I'm ashamed.

Save yourself that humiliation. Do as the others here say to protect yourself. 180, lawyer, detach.

Sleep in a spare room if you can.

I'm sorry, I know how tough this is, when they arent remorseful when caught.

Took my h a long, long time.

Not sure we're close yet, but we work at it.

Work on you, forget him for a bit.

Cant give you any advice on the kids. Sorry.

Hugs, Alexa

crazynot posted 8/21/2013 00:38 AM

Alexa, he just doesn't sound like someone I'd want anyone I cared about to be married to. And the MC may not be a great idea. I went to several sessions with my (totally unremorseful) H when he was actively dating, and it was the worst idea. If you need him gone (and I think you do), just tell him. No ultimatums - they NEVER work and it's gone past that. Visiting a lawyer now will give you strength and put YOU back in control. Do not be treated like this. I think you should tell him YOU'RE ending the marriage because you don't want to be with someone like him. And start bagging thing up and putting them outside somewhere. I've BTDT and in my case we are almost divorced but I'm COMPLETELY over him (although it's taken time). Strength to you in this hard time - but time to get rid.

1Faith posted 8/21/2013 16:22 PM

he's meeting his current whore for lunch tomorrow

Huh? You know this and you are okay with it?

I am confused.

Have you demanded NC? Why in the world does he think it is okay to continue to see the OW? Stay out all night?

I am happy to hear that you have reached your limit. Enough is enough. My goodness.

This stops when you say it stops. One way or another. He can either change (that is up to him) or you can say I refuse to be treated like this and disregarded in such a blatant manner.

I would scrap MC and go to IC. He is wasting your time and money in MC. The MC isn't going to change him anymore that you can, his mom can or anyone else. He has to want to change before anyone will have an impact.

I am sorry that he is being so ugly to you.

Stand tall, head high. You've done nothing wrong. Be an example to your kids. Be an example of courage, graciousness and strength.

You can't fix him because you didn't break him.

Good luck. We are all here rooting for you.

Hugs and prayers.