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He just walked away again

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SmallButStrong posted 8/20/2013 00:13 AM

So I posted here a week ago about thinking I was done. Well, I thought I'd give my WH another chance to deal with my ugly times. But seriously, in my head it was "ONE more chance." He just blew it.

We had a great day, and a great early evening with the kids. We had a nice family dinner, but then my son was watching a DISNEY show (of all things) and the girl on the show was worried she was being cheated on. This sent me spiraling, after what has been a solid great few days. I kept to myself, but once I was in my son's room to help him get ready for bed (which is the location of the numerous sexual encounters of him and his lover), I started crying uncontrollably again.

When he asked what was going on, I tried to calmly describe to him what was going on in my head. Then somehow we got to talking about their relationship and he said that he would likely still have remained friends with her to this day (since they were CAUGHT), and I FLIPPED. I started screaming "F" you and told him to leave if he couldn't deal with my downward spiral. So he did!

He actually grabbed his clothes for tomorrow and left. I am dumfounded. I thought last week's close call would be the last. I actually told him that if he was walking out now, he was walking away from EVERYTHING. He told me not to "threaten" him and got in the car!

This is not a threat! This is a RESULT of the crime he has committed against his family!!

I've been drinking way too much tonight, too. UGH. Is it the alcohol? Is it reality? Which version of me do I trust?

Help, friends!!

somanyyears posted 8/20/2013 01:06 AM


..

..first,...you are correct to question your mindset if you've been drinking a lot.

alcohol never helps a bad situation to get better.. usually the other way around.

BUT, you have every right to be royally pissed at him walking out when you trigger on something.. even an F'ing Disney movie.

..there is no room for the OW as a friend in this situation and your WH was completely insensitive to suggest that his friendship with her would still exist after such a betrayal to you, your marriage and your family..

..his actions speak volumes about his committment, or lack thereof..

..maybe you should bag up the rest of his clothes and leave them on the curb..

..sounds like he just doesn't get it!!

sending you positive mojo and hope for a brighter future.

..smy

SmallButStrong posted 8/20/2013 06:46 AM

I'm sober now. He didn't drive away; he stayed in the car for a long time and ended up coming back. I think he decided that maybe I was being serious after all.

The drinking needs to stop for me. It only makes me angrier.

He slept on the couch. I'm not sure how to handle today. I'm a loose cannon!

sunshine226 posted 8/20/2013 07:31 AM

(((SmallButStrong)))

It's heartbreaking what we go through after an affair. It completely changes us forever.

I sometimes hate the person I am around WH, and I have told him that.

I hate the roller coaster, the emotional ups and downs.

Good to hear that he didnt actually drive off. They just dont seem to get it do they??? They will never understand unless they become the BS

Please dont drink too much. It really doesnt help

Hoping you have better days

Lionne posted 8/20/2013 07:37 AM

IMHO you both could have handled this better. I speak from experience. Were you wrong to be triggered, to react, to be sad, angry? Of course not, and you are right, the OW has NO place in your life. But just maybe, as the pain becomes more manageable, you will be able to communicate the issues to him in a way that is less volatile. He needs to get that it will take time.
The fact that he took himself away from the situation without running off isn't all bad, either. Better to remove himself instead of saying anymore stupid statements. Does that mean he gets to do this all the time? No. He has to learn that you WILL trigger, you will be h yet and angry and you will lash out. You need to figure out how to do that and communicate your needs in a constructive way. He needs to be able to listen actively and, to some extent, take it, take the responsibility for the pain he caused.
MC might help you both communicate.

Silentthoughts posted 8/20/2013 08:53 AM

Smallbutstrong, I am a ww so I hope you don't mind my input?

I find I shut down emotionally and want to escape when confronted with anger. maybe that is what your wh is also doing? That does not excuse his walking away. You have every right to be angry and hurt. i am reading the book nonviolent communication by Marshall Rosenberg which so many wise si members have recommended. I'm finding it somewhat hard to implement new ways to communicate in the midst of all this chaos, so its definatly a work in progress! But worth the read and effort, what we were doing before wasn't working.

Hugs to you!

SmallButStrong posted 8/22/2013 14:01 PM

Silentthoughts,

That is exactly what he says is going on when I get angry. He shuts down. I know I have a lot of work to do in terms of communicating without expressing anger. It's extremely hard to express myself without bringing up anger.

I appreciate your input, and I'll take a look at that book. I'll add it to the infidelity/marriage repair library I seem to be building!

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