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Is it possible to miss him and not want him?

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PhantomLimb posted 8/20/2013 01:14 AM

I seem to be entering a weird new phase in my recovery from my WS's A, subsequent crazy behavior post-DDay and now continued NC.

I went through a couple of weeks of not crying very much and getting on with it. If I had any conversations with people about WS, it was mostly to marvel at how bizarrely he has acted since DDay. I even had one mutual friend call me distraught that she had tried to remain neutral between us and hear him out, but he stopped returning her calls and texts back in May and never interacts with her on FB anymore so she "doesn't know if we're even friends now." I don't know what to tell ya, honey. Join the club.

But overall, I felt for the first time like I was getting back into a rhythm. That I was more "myself" than I had been since DDay. I even stood up for myself at work (and won) and that sense of being in control and my own person was great.

Then this weekend I had two semi-meltdowns. One was on Saturday when I borrowed a family member's truck for some errands and happened to spot a souvenir in the backseat that WS and I had sent from a trip last summer. I found myself sitting next to the truck on the ground sobbing. All I could remember was that we had snuck our dog into an exhibit at this site and took funny photos of her in a fake astronaut outfit. It was a completely stupid memory, but one that captured how easy things were with us and the kind of lame fun we used to have. Suddenly I just felt so abandoned and lonely, I guess.

Then this morning I woke up and was crying again the way I had been in the weeks immediately after DDay. I'm staying with family until I get established in my new job, pay down some bills and get through the split... and the thing that kept popping into my head was "how did I go from picking out couches and coffee tables and booking our anniversary vacation to barely having enough money for food and living in a guest room?". Suddenly the idea of pulling myself out of this hole he's put me in seemed insurmountable.

But the funny thing is, nothing inside of me wants him back. Do I want to live like this? Hell no. But I no longer want my old life back as far as he's concerned. I think this is the first time I can honestly say that. When I think back to who I was over the last decade +, it's like I'm reflecting on the life of someone else. And nothing about it seems like it "fits" anymore. When I think about how I was back then, I would describe myself as innocent and a little bit naive... maybe even a little bit overly confident in the course of my life, my spouse, my happiness. The way an A breaks you, I would say I'm none of those things now. I like to think I'm stronger, more mature. It probably takes more than 3 mos to get there, though. :) But I don't see myself as I am now being able to relate to my WS in the way I used to... which is an odd feeling.

I also seem to have entered into a phase where I am no longer assuming that he is struggling in any measure. It is quite possible that he is happy as a clam with his new life and hasn't looked back. I know that that seems like a silly thing to realize, but it's a major step for me to admit that to myself. I think it will take a little more time, but my preliminary feelings on this realization are that I don't really care one way or another. I couldn't have said that a week ago.

So what is this stage where you don't want WS back, but you still cry over minor triggers? A friend of mine today said that I'm mourning over my loss or lack of options. I thought that was clever and maybe close to the truth... but I feel so liminal. I wonder if anyone else has been there...?

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 1:23 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)]

Ostrich80 posted 8/20/2013 01:23 AM

I can so relate to missing the pre a husband, not ws. One of my kids was,asking about when ws and I were dating and it brought so many memories..happy, fun ones. That,guy is,gone and the one that replaced him is not someone I would even date much less marry. It's heartbreaking the day you realize its time to mourn the loss of your previous life, m, and ws. That's gone and then you have to
decide if you even want to R with the stranger in your house. I do feel like he's a stranger a lot of the time. I don't even feel comfortable changing clothes in front of him. I feel like I'm constantly be ing silently scrutinized and compared.

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 1:26 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)]

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