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TattoodChinaDoll posted 8/20/2013 01:15 AM

I've had this notebook sitting around for awhile now. Wasn't sure what I really wanted to do with it. Decided tonight I'd use it for my thoughts/a journal. Wondering what your thoughts are on my thoughts. Maybe you've felt the same way or have been through it. Words of wisdom or ideas. Here is what I wrote:

What do I have? A lot really. I have a house, 3 healthy and beautiful children, a vehicle, food, the ability to stay home and be the kind of mom I want to be for my kids (as an aside, remember that WH still works at the same place as OW). I have people who appreciate me and see my value. I have a college education and work skills. I don't want to write it in case it isn't true, but I guess I finally have a husband I deserve. But why do I feel like I need something amazing to happen? Why can't it (it is what we call OW) quit so I don't have to give up more? I feel bad for thinking that I'll never have a better house when people can't afford an apartment. People are out there deciding which bills won't get paid while I go to the gym 6 days a week. We just spent $200 at Costco like it was nothing and I feel like I need more. Part of me feels like I'm owed something like it getting fired. Another part of me feels like I'm owed something material. And yet another thinks that now that I have a remorseful husband, I shouldn't want anything else. Is it because so much was taken away without my permission? I don't really have an idea/answers but I know what my perfect situation is. It quits/gets fired, he stays, we move, have another child, I go back to work once everyone is in school, and he stays remorseful, empathetic, loving, and changed. Doesn't seem like much to ask after what I've been through. But why do I feel bad for wanting it?

So that's where I'm at in a nutshell. I think this has all come about because of what we have to do to get WH out of that job and not kill ourselves financially. And it will take 2 or more years. That's a lot of waiting after waiting for answers and the truth, waiting for remorse, waiting even for the miscarriage to be complete. Lots and lots of waiting.

[This message edited by TattoodChinaDoll at 1:15 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)]

TattoodChinaDoll posted 8/20/2013 09:04 AM

Bumping because I really want to know what other people think.

ButterflyGirl posted 8/20/2013 09:14 AM

I think absolutely NO CONTACT with the OW is essential for true reconciliation. I don't know how anyone feels safe in their relationship when the affair partner is constantly still around.

I don't think you are asking for too much. You want to feel safe in this relationship, and however you guys make that happen, it's a necessity that he gets away from the OW.

But I do think that there is more to this. Getting away from her is the first step, but there will always be other women around. TTMU needs to be learn boundaries so this doesn't happen again.

Big hugs to you..

2married2quit posted 8/20/2013 09:16 AM

TattoodChinaDoll - I know how you feel. Hugs.

2 things, OW still working where your husband works doesn't allow you to be at peace. I had the same issue with my FWW and OM. Until she left that job, peace set in. Yet he still continued to text until his BS found out. Then it all hit the fan and it stopped. THANK GOD! Ever since then it's been much better.

Secondly, You have been betrayed, humiliated, ....never mind I can go on forever. So you feel like there should be a prize for being the forgiving faithful wife. Some sort of justification of sorts. I feel that too. Now what? You can try to fill that void with lots of things but nothing is going to fill it. I too feel like something is missing. So my W is back and out of the fog, now what?

Don't want to get religious but the only thing that has filled my soul has been the Lord. That's about it. Now I'm starting to see how I have to have my W in the proper perspective. How the A will always be a wrong that was done to me and it will take YEARS for her to make it up to me. It won't be over night, it won't be a brand new car or a trip to Vegas. Heck, right now we are so broke it's incredible so material things can't help me now.

Maybe you're just depressed. And that's okay. I've been struggling with depression myself. Nothing pleases me like it used to. I know things will change and I have the hope. I pray to have this home restored, renewed and that love is back soon.

Hope that helps?

TattoodChinaDoll posted 8/20/2013 09:27 AM

2married - I recently posted about my faith. My faith is very important to me...heck...I have a meeting at church tonight for a committee I'm on! But recently I've been losing it. And it's not because of being cheated on, emotionally abused, or the miscarriage (though it doesn't help). It's really the little things. It's like having a grieving moment for my angel baby then turning on the tv and someone is talking about being pregnant. Or having a decent day and coming home to my neighbor's mail in my mailbox and the sender having OW's name. And then going through my mail to having a Babies R Us flyer in it right after seeing OW's name. After so so so so many coincidences, you ask, "when is it no longer a coincidence?" Especially if you aren't looking for them. That's what makes me feel like a cosmic joke.

Butterflygirl - I don't feel safe. I have no clue how some people do it on here.

[This message edited by TattoodChinaDoll at 9:28 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)]

ButterflyGirl posted 8/20/2013 09:35 AM

They shouldn't have to. A truly remorseful wayward would do ANYTHING to make their partner feel safe again. He should be making this decision without you or anyone else here pushing him to do it..

2married2quit posted 8/20/2013 09:42 AM

((((((TattoodChinaDoll))))) hugs and prayer your way.

HardenMyHeart posted 8/20/2013 10:19 AM

You're suffering because the emotional and material attachments you seek do not bring true happiness.

I recommend the following book:
The Joy of Living: Unlocking the Secret and Science of Happiness by Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 10:21 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)]

doesitgetbetter posted 8/20/2013 10:24 AM

TCD, you are NOT someone's butt of a cosmic joke! You are a choice daughter of a Heavenly Father who loves you, and has great things in store for you. We all know life doesn't come without hardships. IMO, it's impossible to truly appreciate what you have until you have lived without something for a while. I have lived without a lot in my life, and I have been so humbled by all of that, and my H's infidelity, and medical issues with my children, that I have a different perspective on life. It's not "why does this happen to me" anymore, but rather "why not me?". If Jesus was sent to suffer for me, than why shouldn't I suffer for myself as well?

Read my tagline, it has helped me through so much.

(((tattood)))

AML04 posted 8/20/2013 10:25 AM

Everyday he goes to work I am filled with anxiety. I can't imagine it going on for another year yet I don't see any other options right now for him. I feel your pain, it sucks so bad.