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sunshine226 posted 8/20/2013 06:25 AM

So from August 22 - September 9, WH's brother and his family will be visiting, they will be staying in the home WH and his brothers grew up in, BIL was given the house in the will.

Now my problem, to get to this house, they have to drive past mine, and it is a very small community (population is less than 50).

They have OW on FB and from posts between OW and SIL, I have a bad feeling that OW will be visiting them. Now OW doesnt have her license and she l, lives 2 hours away and my WH lives with her. So WH will have to bring her in here

How in the hell am I going to get through this????? I told WH if he brings her in here, it will the final straw for me. That will be the end of any chance of a reconciliation in the future for us.

If he brings her in here, it will show me that he truly does not understand the damage he has caused his family

Just the thought of her out there in their family home, getting together with what used to be my family too is absolutely devestating to me. I feel like such a fool to have held on to hope that we would somehow be able to get past all this and be better and stronger together

If this happens, it will truly be over for me and for us. But God help me, I dont know how I am going to handle this knowing she is out there, God help me not to go out there and confront them all and show her the proof I have, maybe seeing it will make her believe it because she sure as hell didnt believe it from me telling her in January

Maybe I need to follow through with my plan to delete all those texts from WH so I wont be tempted, because by confronting her in front of his family, I look like the crazy one.

I need to stay away from them and they (BIL and SIL) need to stay the hell away from me. DD says if they stop by and she's here, she will let them in. How do I stop that, I dont want to stay home all the time to keep them out, and I dont want them here, but I dont want to have my DD stuck in the middle

OMG, I just thought of something, DD has never met OW, she hates her and the OW knows it, I hope that DD is not out there when OW shows up out there, OMG, DD will flip out.

If WH gives a damn about DD at all, he will NOT bring the OW in here

God help me get through these next few weeks

sunshine226 posted 8/20/2013 07:10 AM

Thankfully, I will still be working the entire time they are here, unfortunately DD will be done August 31 (but that's the day of the wedding so they wont be over here then) And then back to school for her on the 4th.

I will have to keep very busy when I am not working so I dont dwell on it all the time. I just wish we had a garage where I could hide our truck so that they would never know if I was home or not.

But the more I think about it, the more I am determined that this will be it for me, the end, finished, heart turned to stone for WH, this will be the final act of betrayal. It will confirm for me that we are DONE!!!! FOR EVER!!!!

And he knows this, I just sent him a text and told him that if he brings her in here, that that's it for me. So now the ball is in his court.

He will bring her in here and then I will have all the proof I need, I will finally have confirmation, they say actions speak louder than words. And this will be louder than anything else he has ever done.

JanaGreen posted 8/20/2013 07:41 AM

I'm sorry sunshine. Does he claim the affair is over?

sunshine226 posted 8/20/2013 07:47 AM

No, he lives with the OW and to the rest of the world, we are done

But he still tells me he wants to be here with me, he is trying to find a way out, I just dont get it. What is so hard about packing your bags and leaving. I just dont understand how he can keep me hanging on, he says he doesnt love her, that he doesnt want to be with her.

One time he said he wishes he could put me inside his head.....NO THANKS

The life he is living is so out of character for him, he's a country boy living in the city, says he hates it but he is still there

Sometimes I just think hes too much of a coward, he wants one of us to end it. He told me about a month ago that he wishes she would do what i did, I kicked him out.

But that will NEVER happen, she's got it too good, money, sex, a daddy for her son, a chauffeur. Why would she want to kick him out????

But it will be the end for me if he brings her in here to visit his brother and family.

LA44 posted 8/20/2013 07:53 AM

Hi ((sunshine226)), this is a very anxiety provoking time for you. Am I reading this right that your WH LIVES with the Ow now? So... the icing on the cake is if he brings her to your old family home?

I am just trying to understand this a bit better....

Random thoughts posted 8/20/2013 07:58 AM

Sorry but ACTIONS, ACTIONS ACTIONS speak louder than anything.

Telling you he wants to come home while living with the other woman is really not something to stake your future on.

As for your daughter not sure the age but her telling you she will let them in if they come is beyond disrespectful and you need to sit her down and tell her what's what.

LA44 posted 8/20/2013 07:59 AM

Ok...I just read your last note to JanaGreen.

Firstly, hugs to you. I am sorry you are hurting so much.

Your WH is a selfish man.

I honestly think you need to detach from him. Have you read the 180? If he is living with this woman then,(gently) why, goodness why do you even wan this empty shell of a man in your life?
He is putting her FIRST. Before you. You need to put YOU first.

I realize this is the hardest thing possible but you cannot trust him to NOT hurt you at this point. Trust yourself. Trust the people on SI to provide some solid direction. Esp those who have been in this position before.


brokensmile322 posted 8/20/2013 07:59 AM


Gently, why are you holding on to hope with someone who is living with the OW?

I just dont get it. What is so hard about packing your bags and leaving.

^^Nothing. Nothing is hard about it. What does that tell you?

Please start the 180 and see a lawyer about what your rights are about keeping him out of the house you are in. I am assuming where you are living is not his family's house, but the house you once shared with him?

Start the 180. Now. ((Hugs))

sunshine226 posted 8/20/2013 08:01 AM

yes, he moved in with her the day after i kicked him out (ow told me this back in February, 13 months after i kicked him out)

But up until March, I continued to let him go back and forth, lots of HB, I was stupidly thinking it wouldnt be much longer (yes over a year later, I still believed that)

The family home is the one he grew up in, and the one we were staying in while our new one was being built, the one we were living in when his affair with OW began. It went on for 3 1/2 months before i discovered a text to "M", who he had told me months before was Mike, yeah I dont think so with the message I saw, I kicked him out, 6 days later he came back and confessed there was someone else.

I wish i had kicked him out for good, but 22 1/2 years together at the time, 2 kids, a new home being built, i held out hope for R, but little by little, the chance of that is slowly slipping away.

And if he brings her in, there is no chance anymore, moving on for sure then.

How much more can a person take, I gave him my life, my heart and he just continues to blow it all to hell, but soon it will be no more.

Lining up the ducks now for sure. He has already lost any chance with his kids, will lose everything else now too

sunshine226 posted 8/20/2013 08:10 AM

thank you everyone

I have struggled with all of this the entire time he has been with her.

I know what I should be doing, I have gone NC, I have done 180, but then something happens and I have to start all over again, that's ok. It makes me stronger.

I have a good life, great kids, grandsons, a new home, MY truck (he always wanted a truck, hes stuck with the car), friends, family

It hurts when I discover someone else added her on FB, someone else I know has met her. But they all think we are broke up, that he is with her and not coming back to me (my heart and head struggle with this daily)

I cant be upset with them, it just hurts. But one day the truth will come out.

I do get some satisfaction from knowing that many of the people that have met her dont like her and cant understand why WH is with her. They want nothing to do with her. Two couples have even told her to never call them again.

I will get through this, I have made it this far and by him bringing her in here, well that will be my wake up call that I am going to be the one to end this nightmare

He is such a coward. Wonder how OW would feel if she could hear the stuff he says, but it also makes me wonder sometimes, what does he say about me???????

Oh well, she can have him. She will find out the truth one day and he will be left with absolutely NOTHING

sunflowergirl30 posted 8/20/2013 08:15 AM

Personally, I can imagine it is quite hard to leave YOUR home and to have OW in YOUR town. I can imagine its quite hard to be disrespected by YOUR h family!

Im not going to tell you what You should or should not do. I know what that feels like. I know what its like to doubt myself and have my judgement or intent scrutinized. I will say imo that your h is keeping you as back up if it doesn't work out with ow.

Its not only cruel of him but sick to do to his wife and mother the of his children.

Im not sure on your dd age but I think its hurtful and wrong for her to allow people who value YOU so little into YOUR home. If they want to see her she can go to them meet them anywhere but YOUR home.

I feel the anxiety in your words. If I was your friend Id be at your house backing you up and guarding that front door like a pit bull.

I wish you strength and some peace. I am deeply sorry...from one bw to another. ((Sunshine))

brokensmile322 posted 8/20/2013 08:15 AM

You keep saying "bring her here."

Where is here? The new house you built? And you say he lost his kids, but one is going to let him in?

I am so confused sunshine.

Why are you allowing someone to disrespect you this way? Why would he give up OW when he has been having you too? People only return to the things that they miss. Sounds like he isn't missing anything. He sees OW when he wants and you when he wants. Everything is out in the open, his family knows, his kids know.... Why would he do anything differently than what he has been doing?

Please, sunshine, start the 180.

sunshine226 posted 8/20/2013 08:25 AM

i'm sorry if I am all over the place. Its hard to think straight right now

"Here" is the community we live in, not "here" as in our home

My DD is almost 16 and hates her dad and OW, something they have both heard from DD herself.

I mentioned to DD that I dont want BIL here, she said if Im not home and he stops by, she will let them come in for a visit. I dont want to put her in the middle of this but I really dont want them here at all. But they are still her family. I just plan on not being home while they are in the area.

WH wouldnt dare bring the OW to our home, but unfortunately to enter our community, they will have to drive past our house, to go to the store, they will have to drive past, to visit with other BIL and his wife, again they will have to drive past the house.

My other SIL that lives close by wants nothing to do with WH and OW, but with the other BIL and SIL coming home, they will visit them out there and I am sure they will meet OW there

But that's ok because anyone that has met her so far doesnt like her, although they will be polite. Makes me sick thinking she thinks its all so fantastic.

One day OW will figure it all out and hope it destroys her like their A ALMOST destroyed me. She will be the fool, the joke then. She will know that he has lied to her the ENTIRE time

What doesnt kill you makes you stronger

I put a stop to his back and forth back in March, I told him then that I want nothing to do with him anymore as long as she is a part of his life. Everytime he came here to our home to see DD and spend time here, OW would call the house, she couldnt leave us alone. Didnt answer it though. He got shit for that when he went back out to her though.

So in some ways, I am 180ing him. Just need to be stronger with it and go NC for good

Hope this has cleared up some of the confusion and again sorry

Its just so hard to wrap my head around all this crap

[This message edited by sunshine226 at 8:30 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)]

sunflowergirl30 posted 8/20/2013 08:26 AM

Dont feel like you have to justify your decisions in regard to how you deal with your wh.

You have done nothing wrong. Its painful to hold on to hope. I know. I still do. I still hope my wh will change and be the person I thought he was all these yrs. after 20 yrs together the reality of it all is crushing.

Every story on here is horrible. Some leave my jaw stuck to the floor. Reading my own makes me want to shake the shit out of myself...

Its all like a bad lifetime movie :(

BrighterFuture posted 8/20/2013 08:30 AM

I'm so sorry for your pain. His actions prove who he has chosen. It hurts like hell, but find away to move on. Tryinv hard to win him back will not work it will just push him away further. The OW will not listen to a word you say. Just leave them alone and ler karma get them. You will survive!

lost_in_toronto posted 8/20/2013 08:34 AM

Oh, honey. It sounds like you've been strung along by your WH for so long you have to work to figure out which side is up.

And it sounds like you need something to finally hang your hat up on, and call it a day. If it is your WH bringing the OW to his old family home, great. But you need to be firm in your boundaries with him if this is the case.

Good luck over the next couple of weeks.

LA44 posted 8/20/2013 08:38 AM

I have an older, wiser teacher friend who once told me>...

Sometimes when the kids tell me this, that, the other thing and so on and I get confused by what is real and who is being honest, genuine, I simply turn down the volume and watch. The words disappear but the behavior tells you all you need to know.

I wish you well.

nestlee posted 8/20/2013 09:07 AM

I'm sorry but it sounds like your husband is full of shit. Your his wife. He could pack up his crap and come home anytime. He wants u to put your self on hold for him. While he has his side piece of cake. He's playing games with U. Don't hold on...let your self heal. U deserve sooo much better.

doesitgetbetter posted 8/20/2013 10:18 AM

But they all think we are broke up, that he is with her and not coming back to me

Because that is EXACTLY what he is telling everyone but you. You are the one he is deceiving and lying to, everyone else knows the truth. You have to believe him, his actions and his words to everyone else are all lining up to indicate they are the truth. You have become his other woman, nothing more. He strings you along, just like he did his first OW while you were with him. You deserve SOOO much better than that! Your children deserve to see you truly happy again. You deserve to BE truly happy again. Accept that he is not coming back, and find someone who deserves to be with you.

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