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EmotionalFool posted 8/20/2013 07:05 AM

I want OMs to suffer... cant divert my mind today

I am consumed with revenge strategies.... they cant get away with this

FR2012 posted 8/20/2013 07:34 AM

You know for the longest time, I wanted OM to suffer as well. I wanted to somehow get revenge on him.

Honestly though, OM(s) are not worth your thought. I know it's easier said than done. But you have to stop thinking about them. They will get what they get. I know that sucks but it is what it is.

You need to stop stressing yourself out about this. You need to focus on you and your marriage not what the OM(s) are doing and how you feel they need to suffer.

SurprisinglyOkay posted 8/20/2013 08:48 AM

Yeah it sucks that they get away with no ramifications. However it is out of your hands.

What I found, after a few revenge fantasies, is that he isn't worth my time and energy.

Entertaining these thoughts gives a lot of time and energy to him.

Time and energy that could be given elsewhere. To my relationship, to my kids, to my healing and recovery.

Hell, it would be better spent on painting my nails.

Try and let it go.

Finally10 posted 8/20/2013 10:20 AM

I think the veteran posters would tell you that engaging in mental fantasy, even those that involve punishment or revenge against your AP is not a good thing. If you're truly dedicated to recovery and reconciliation, you simply can't allow your AP to occupy your head space or consume energy that should be directed to your own and your BH's healing.

MissesJai posted 8/20/2013 10:23 AM

why do you care?

EmotionalFool posted 8/20/2013 10:33 AM

Why do you care?

Its not fair. They were equal contributors. I never really did think what they must be thinking about CL. Sad but true. And now when I look at it the complete disrespect and the mockery towards him makes me really mad.. really angry ..
Why do CL and I should be the ones who suffer?? Why not them?? Why should they go on living their happy life??

And I know I am responsible for all this .. but I am just not in the mood today

I want them punished…

I want them to apologize to CL .. and to me ..

SurprisinglyOkay posted 8/20/2013 10:53 AM

I want them to apologize to CL .. and to me ..

What about the harm you did to them?

It's another layer of this.

As part of my 12 step process, I'm looking at the harm I've caused to others. Everyone in my life, not just my BS.
This includes AP's. I used them. I caused a lot of harm. Hell, I caused one to step out of our 12 step fellowship. That means he could die from drug use. This isn't being dramatic, addiction is no joke.

It's not fair, nothing about this is.

How's your anger level towards yourself? It can be easier to get angry at someone else than yourself.

This reminded me of one time when Chicho was ready to leave. I tried so hard to be angry at him. But there was no reason to be. It was my fault. I was trying to make myself feel better by trying to play the victim.

[This message edited by broevil at 10:59 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)]

MissesJai posted 8/20/2013 11:19 AM

Does CL deserve an apology? Of course. From you. And you want them to apologize to you? For what? You chose them. They just went along for the ride. Ultimately, they were just pawns in your game. I know you're pissed and not in the mood today so what I'm saying is probably going to piss you off more but that's a risk I'm willing to take. IMO, I think this rage you are feeling towards the OM's is really a projection of the anger you feel towards yourself. Being mad at them doesn't change the situation you're in - if anything, it makes it worse because here you are, after all you've done to CL, giving energy, time, and head space to OM's. All that time, energy, and head space should be put to better use - i.e., towards you and your husband.

Darkness Falls posted 8/20/2013 11:55 AM

I want them to apologize to CL .. and to me ..

That will likely never happen.

My AP did apologize to me (but never to XH). It was hollow and meaningless. He spouted the classic philosophy of "If things are so great at home, people don't cheat" so he didn't even think he did anything wrong.

And, honestly... he didn't owe me an apology. The responsibility for upholding my marriage vows was mine.

stupidgurl posted 8/21/2013 01:45 AM

I don't ever even think of OM anymore, he gets no more of my time, not bad thoughts nor good. He has hurt my M enough, no need to linger on him when I need to be thinking about my BH, my M and my kids like I should have been doing in the first place.

stupidgurl posted 8/21/2013 01:48 AM

Also, I don't care what happened to him. If his life is great now, he is back with his wife and being a better dad to his kids, then good, he will not come after me again. If he is doing shitty, then too bad so sad far him. It concerns me not one little bit. I never cared about him why start now.

floridaredman posted 8/21/2013 14:45 PM

Those men could not have done anything to you unless you allowed them. If you stumble, whose fault is it? The ground you were walking on or the path you took?

EmotionalFool posted 8/21/2013 15:06 PM

They just went along for the ride.

But they did.. didn’t they?? Where are their consequences for that??

I am not saying they were responsible for what I did. I am tired of stating I know I did this. But I cant shake off the feeling of injustice.

There one thing that makes me mad. The so called “friend” smirked at CL. Mocked him. THAT makes me angry. It adds another level of mind fuckery for CL.
I know I fucked up but I will not own their choices. And they had choice too…. Where are their consequences??

I want to blow OM#1’s world too and then mock and smirk at him ..

You cant mess with my world and then go on living as if you did not do anything wrong ever.

MissesJai posted 8/21/2013 15:54 PM

How do you know they are going on with their lives with no consequence? Again, what does it matter? Bottom line - it shouldn't matter.

trytoforgive posted 8/21/2013 16:06 PM

I get it. For about a year after d-day, I thought the OM got off easy and got to go live his life consequence-free. I was pissed. My world had come crashing down around me and he got to walk-away scot-free because my H didn't want his BW to know. I was scraping, begging, crying, holding my H, writing out timelines, speaking the truth that made my mouth burn, and the OM had to do none of that. I almost called his BW and told her after about 8 months... But I didn't. It's not what my H wanted, and I needed to respect his wishes....

My AP was our friend. That made it so much worse for my H. I know that. But his consequences are no business of mine. I destroyed my own self. He was just the tool I used to do so. I understand fleeting moments- even days- of feeling like this. But don't live there. His consequences are none of your concern. Your consequences are your concern. Your BH's consequences are your concern. The more time you spend thinking about him, the more you think about him.

It's hard to exorcise a demon that you keep inviting in...

[This message edited by trytoforgive at 5:02 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)]

tired girl posted 8/21/2013 16:31 PM

I destroyed my own self. He was just the tool I used to do so.

This right here EF. This is what you are not understanding. You did it and you used others to betray yourself and you want to be angry at the tools you used to do it with. That is useless. A waste of time. You are doing this because you want to deflect the anger you feel for yourself. Your time and energy are better spent elsewhere.

Aubrie posted 8/21/2013 16:48 PM

I like sugar. A lot. Ok, I love it. But when I indulge myself, I get fat. Do I scream and yell, stomp my foot, throw the sugar all over the kitchen, and blame it for making me fat?

I picked it up, I partook. Sugar was just laying there. I walked by, touched it, smelled it, thought about it, and bit into it.

The consequences of my indulgence are acne, tight jeans, and feeling cruddy. Who do I blame? Sugar? Or me?

EF, do you want to know why you're here? Look in the mirror. Not in your mind's memory at images of the OM. Look at yourself. The longer you deflect, the longer it takes to heal.

uncertainone posted 8/21/2013 17:29 PM

"Don't you dare take the lazy way. It's too easy to excuse yourself because of your ancestry. Don't let me catch you doing it! Now -- look close at me so you will remember. Whatever you do, it will be you who do.”

John Steinbeck was a genius. It starts and ends with you, EF. Conspirators only matter with the law. In life our toxic choices were a fait accompli before any others were involved.

TimeToManUp posted 8/21/2013 20:19 PM

In our case, I try my hardest to not think about It (the OW) at all. I am confident that It will get It's comeuppance. TCD on the other hand wishes a bed of razor blades and a shower of acid upon It.

EmotionalFool posted 8/22/2013 07:29 AM

Why does it look like I am disowning my responsibility?
I know I was fucked up enough to let them enyter my life but does that discount their actions??
There are just so many levels to this. I struggle with being with myself. I struggle with CL’s injustice. And yes that includes punishing me too.
I thought hard and I concluded that if they ask for forgiveness or repent what they did would do me no good. I want to have similar impact on them. I want them to suffer and concept of suffering is different for everybody. If somebody kills me today that would a huge favour to me. I am confident if I put enough time and energy I would figure out a way to make them suffer.
But everytime I talk myself out of it thinking not worth my time and energy. But that leaves me with a sense of helplessness. And that makes me angrier.
I need to know why I am sparing them and feel empowered. “Not worth my time and energy” doesn’t really work for me as I m using my time and energy to talk me out of this.  

I struggle with idea of fair and justice in respect to whole situation and CL is the one who pays the price for no fault. Dieing would be easier

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