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Has Your BS Ever Wanted To Give Up?

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FR2012 posted 8/20/2013 07:30 AM

Just that. Has your BS ever wanted to give up because the pain was so bad?

If so, what happened? Are you still together? How are things between you and your spouse?

Just need some uplifting words.

Just to clarify, my husband doesn't want to give up on me or our relationship. He is just having a rough time right now and wants to give up on life.

[This message edited by FR2012 at 1:12 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)]

SurprisinglyOkay posted 8/20/2013 07:58 AM

Many many times.

Even pretty recently.

We talk about it.

We look at what we are or are not doing for our healing. It is usually something we stop doing, that makes us feel like we've stalled or are moving backwards. It's as simple as starting those things up again.

I fight it. He has told me before, in not heated moments, to fight with all I've got when he wants to leave.

We take into consideration what else is going on in our lives. Outside stress that may not have anything to do with the A.

Yes we're still together.

Things between us, today, are good. Better than they have been in a long time.

Hang in there.

JustDesserts posted 8/20/2013 08:48 AM

Her strong sense of self, coupled with her belief in the good in me, and in the great that we have been, and can be, has meant, no, she hasn't ever wanted to give up. For that, I am so very grateful.

Now, has she ever wanted to stomp her stiletto's in my deserving course!

Hang in there. JD

TimeToManUp posted 8/20/2013 11:22 AM

Yes. More than once. And the most recent time, I was convinced that it was really over. There was so much animosity built up, even though we weren't even communicating. I had always wanted us to remain civil and friendly even if we were to not work, to know that we gave it our best, but there was just too much to overcome to remain together. Instead, every brief conversation about our kids or finances was cold and unfriendly.

The weekend of July 4th was very unpleasant for us, but actually ended up being what could be the turning point in our attempt to R. We had some heated words to say the least. I had decided I would move out following our oldest DD's birthday at the end of the month. That Sunday, TCD came to me for support, because her life was crumbling, and after and in spite of all that had transpired, I was still the only person she knew to go to for comfort. It was a very sad situation. That night, don't ask how it happened, we had sex (our sex life has always been very good and never a point of contention). Afterwards, we cried in each others' arms, thinking of the things we never got to do together, sights we always wanted to see... The Northern Lights, the Great Wall of China...

TCD looked me in the eyes and said "For the first time I am looking at you and can see that you are TIRED. It's OK to say that you can't do this anymore."

I said "I AM tired... so very tired. But I don't want us to end."

We held each other some more, cried some more... But right there, right on the brink, the only way it could have been closer to done is if we were in a lawyer's office, we turned it around.

Things have not been perfect since. I have had some relapses to old behaviors, though not nearly as bad as I used to be. We have been communicating better. There is still a long road ahead of us, but the future seems to have some brightness. And considering only 6 weeks ago it didn't look like there WAS a future, that says a whole hell of a lot.

Don't give up. You're married until you're not. You never know what tomorrow will bring.

MissesJai posted 8/20/2013 11:32 AM

oh absolutely - a few times and I fought him each time. We were both so tired but each time he wanted to give up, we talked and he would remember that what we were fighting for was worth the hell we were walking through. The result? We are R'd - still together, happier than ever, with a better relationship than either of us could've ever imagined. Like TTMU said, you are married until you're not - don't give up hope.

1sorryGDF posted 8/20/2013 14:12 PM

While it has often felt that way, I think my answer is actually 'no', she hasn't ever wanted to give up. No mistake she's told me to get out, let me pack a bag and get right to the door, she's packed her own bag and left (was back within twenty minutes), and she has, as recently as a couple of nights ago said that she just wants me to leave for her, to not make her be the one to choose (this is easily the most difficult thing I deal with from her, recognizing the pain she is in and how exhausted she is and wondering if I should do that for her, if that could be the answer to helping her heal from what I did to her). But I can't, and at the end of the day I know she doesn't want to leave - if she did, she would. And I know she doesn't want me to leave - if she did, I'd be out. But she is exhausted, and that's hard on both of us, it's exhausting for me as well, but that's the process I think. You fight the hardest when you most want to give up. It's okay to be tired, it's not okay to give up, that's where I hope I can prove myself to her.

NoGoodUsername posted 8/20/2013 18:12 PM

Thanks, I really needed to see this today.

"Don't give up. You're married until you're not. You never know what tomorrow will bring."

It's been an amazingly bad couple of days.

TimeToManUp posted 8/20/2013 18:39 PM

You're very welcome, NGU. I know how hard it can be, as do all of the other WSes on SI. I am glad to have been able to give you even the smallest bit of comfort or hope. Stay strong, and good luck.

Darkness Falls posted 8/20/2013 19:00 PM

Has your BS ever wanted to give up because the pain was so bad?

Oh yes.

If so, what happened?

We got a divorce. (Uplifting part still ahead. )

Are you still together?

After being apart for just about exactly two years, we are back together and have been reconciling for 16 months.

How are things between you and your spouse?

Things are good. Above all, things are honest. We don't talk about stuff as much as I'd like, but I knew that about him going in (that he's not a talker or even really a "feeler") so I just deal. The best part is how far I've come in terms of having realistic expectations, letting the little things go, and not turning outside the relationship for what I should be getting from inside it.

1DumbHusband posted 8/20/2013 21:39 PM


Another thanks here! Those are some of the best words I've heard over the past few weeks!

"Don't give up. You're married until you're not. You never know what tomorrow will bring."

Everyone here has expressed something I can relate to verbatim! 1sorryGDF hit the nail on the head. My poor beautiful BW has said numerous times over the past few weeks that "she's done!" She's wanted to give up on me, our relationship (I can't really say marriage because I've been a shitty excuse for a husband and I haven't given her a true marriage over the past couple of years), and even life in general (those are the most scary to me!). My BW has been extremely depressed to the point of not eating and developing an eating disorder. We've both lost a lot of weight since DDay due to our depression and coping (her 30lbs, me about 35).

My wife still has really bad days (one was Sunday night), mixed in with a few good ones. Sunday night, we were coming back from out of town for my grandmothers funeral. It was a 4 hour drive and most of it she was not happy with me. We got within a couple miles of our house when she asked me to stop for gas. She got out of the car and proceeded to walk towards home. She told me she wanted some space and exercise and that I should take our kids home. I did and eventually came back out to pick her up. That night, she had her bags packed (re-packed I guess) and was set to leave. She eventually decided to return to the house, but only after we sat in the garage talking for about 30 min. Yesterday, I went to take the baby to daycare and my wife called 5 min later. She said she felt needy and asked if I was going to work from home yesterday. I was already on my way to the office, but I promptly turned the car around and went home to be with her. We talked and had a good afternoon/evening. We discussed R again and also our postnup agreement if we R. Today has been a good day. I hope tomorrow is too! If not, I will continue to fight just as TTMU said!

KBeguile posted 8/20/2013 22:59 PM

Oh, yes. More than once the topic has either brought me to tears or just short.

Despite those problems, she confessed to me the other day that the A isn't the first thing she thinks about when she wakes up any more. A small step in the right direction, but an important one.

stupidgurl posted 8/21/2013 00:19 AM

Yes. He really was questioning his reasons for staying at one point, and wondering how he would feel in 20 years, if he would regret staying. Also he felt like people would think less of him for staying with me. It was so painful to hear. I of course reacted emotionally, I cried, I couldn't eat for days, I moped. I finally decided that what I had to do was to tell him how I feel. To tell him I loved him and I wanted him to stay. I think he needed to know I was not going to hurt him again. 5 years later, I have not reoffended and never will.

[This message edited by stupidgurl at 8:12 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)]

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