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Newest Member: Tigress5455 (45753)

User Topic: year two sucks...
rachelc
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read on here and people seem to be happy with their progress and their growth.

I wish I had this attitude. I wish I wasn't so negative. Never used to be this way.

I'm certainly not at the hyper-vigilence stage or spying a lot. He has a couple of meetings tonight and I'm like, meh whatever.

I can't give him my entire heart. No way, no how. My view of him is very negative as well. When I look at our marriage now it should be enough - hell, we have more sex, more intimate talk, he's putting me ahead of his job - MOST of the time. ok, so now what?

I commend all of you with better attitudes...


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5531 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
AFrayedKnot
♂ 36622
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What are you guys doing together to make the relationship over the top amazing?
Are there new shared experiences? Are there plans to look forward to?
Are you dating and courting eachother?

These things were really important to us through the end of the first year. Turning toward each other dating each other excited about the new us.

Then year 2 started and normal started sinking in. Work and kids and bills and household chores that got ignored during year one started to take prominence. We started just coexisting again to an extent. Sure communication was better, sex was better, but that excitement dwindled.
From about 13-19 months year 2 sucked. We have started to look for ways to hold that excitement but still be responsible for real life.

Normal will never be good enough again, we need over the top amazing. And working together to make it happen is the best part.


BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2670 | Registered: Aug 2012
rachelc
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What are you guys doing together to make the relationship over the top amazing? HOW? WE TRAVEL, ARE ENJOYING THE EMPTY NEST AND HAVING LESS RESPONSIBILITY WITH THAT...

Are there new shared experiences? NOT REALLY. WE'VE TRAVELED TO NEW PLACES, I'M GETTING HIM A HOT AIR BALLOON RIDE FOR HIS BIRTHDAY AND THAT WILL TEST ME AS I'M AFRAID OF HEIGHTS AND GOING WITH HIM... I SUPPOSE THAT WILL BE FUN. WE SPEND TIME WITH OTHER COUPLES THAT IS FUN FOR US.

Are there plans to look forward to? WE ARE LOOKING FOR A LAKE HOME KIND OF..

Are you dating and courting eachother? WE GO OUT, OCCASIONALLY... WE HAVE CONTACT DURING THE DAY.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5531 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
LA44
♀ 38384
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((rachelc))....I know you still have some trust concerns with him....he also broke NC at some point and you found out on your own, correct? Without him telling you?

This would make repair very difficult. I think the people who are writing about how happy they are/progress - me being one of them - this (wondering if he is 100% in or not) is something I personally don't have to deal with.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2612 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
TxsT
♀ 39996
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LOLOL.....normal....what an interesting word. I don't know if I can even begin to imagine if I will ever fit the definition of normal again! I am almost certain our relationship now will never be normal. That little 5% of me that will never get over what has happened will always be there to stir the pot whenever I feel normal. That's the little voice that says....why couldn't he have just stopped on his own, even and especially when the A was not giving him what he wanted anymore.?????? I am so hoping that a day will come when this little voice has very little to say, when I can be left in peace knowing that we did survive one of the worst experiences a couple could go through. But for now it is my trusted friend, that little 5%. It keeps my heart safe and keeps my husband on toes to make sure this will never happen again. What a sad new reality we all have. And our kids.....what's in store for them? Will they too follow the path their father has so selfishly set before them or will they be steadfast in making sure this doesn't happen to them when they start a family?

I think the thing I miss the most is the freedom of not having to always question my thoughts. Not having to make sure THIS ever happens again. It is always there....just off to the side....waiting to slip back into my mind when some little stupid thing goes wrong or I get too comfortable with the new us.

This week will be a good test for the new us. We will be at a very high end corporate affair that is attended by only top brass in the energy field. I will have to be "the perfect spouse" and the perfect organizer that I used to be in my past life. I have done all the preparations to be successful now I just have to hope my mind shows up and behaves.

T

[This message edited by TxsT at 9:05 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)]


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
2married2quit
♂ 36555
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

rachelc - I know how you feel. We are in 1yr out from DDAY and going on to yr 2. Yes, it does suck. We're both depressed. Communication is better, sex is better, we talk more, ...but still I feel like you... not hyper vigilant but still have an ear out. Other times I don't give shit.

I think for us the financial slump has hurt us because we can't do ANYTHING. However, that being said, it is a great test of our love. Going out walking and working out together has taken a new life. As well as sleeping in the same bed and encouraging each other.

I too feel like calling it quits sometimes.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1417 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
rachelc
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know you still have some trust concerns with him....he also broke NC at some point and you found out on your own, correct? Without him telling you?

yep, and with two affairs I caught him at, I just don't know if I can do it.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5531 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
TxsT
♀ 39996
Member # 39996
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh does that mean I have 3 more years to go before I have to worry about this??? It wasn't until most of the way through year 4 I found out.

T


Me: BS 50
Hubby: WH 53
Together: 32 years
Married: 25 years 09/10/2013
2 boys: 23&21
Dday: 09/11/2012
A length: 4+ years (yes years)
status: Ongoing Reconciliation :o)

Through thick and thin we will survive but he gets only one shot at it!


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: CDN
2married2quit
♂ 36555
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2 affairs? Wow... You're an incredible woman.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1417 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
LA44
♀ 38384
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((rachelc)) dig deep in IC. Figure out what you really want bc the clock is always ticking and you, me, we, all need to make the most of our time here on earth.

LA

[This message edited by LA44 at 9:31 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2612 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
rachelc
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you everyone!

Wow... You're an incredible woman.

may or may not be true - ha! But I'm resting on these laurels today!


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5531 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
AFrayedKnot
♂ 36622
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What are you guys doing together to make the relationship over the top amazing? HOW?

Putting the A's aside for a moment.
What do you really want out of your relationship? What does you H want out of the relationship?
What life experiences would you both like to share with each other?


BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2670 | Registered: Aug 2012
rachelc
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What do you really want out of your relationship? What does you H want out of the relationship?
What life experiences would you both like to share with each other?

I want a loving intimate relationship with honesty, respect and commitment. He says he wants the same thing.

I'd like to be grandparents together,continue to travel and spend time with friends and family. Staying in shape is important to us and we work out together sometimes. That is nice.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5531 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Expect Delays
♀ 23981
Member # 23981
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, the second year was the hardest year, at least beyond those first days after discovery. And I think that is quite common, actually. I was ready to be in a good place, and I just wasn't happy that I hadn't gotten there on my time schedule. I didn't want to work on me or on my marriage any more and maybe never again. I was exhausted.

I'm more than four years out now. And it's better, but I'm definitely on the five-year recovery plan. So, I completely understand where you are.

((rachelc))

[This message edited by Expect Delays at 10:22 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)]


A great name for a new country song: If I'd Shot You Sooner, I'd Be Out of Jail By Now.

Posts: 710 | Registered: May 2009
Audrina
♀ 31522
Member # 31522
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Year 2 was hell for me too, so much fighting and I was going back and forth on whether it was worth it to stay. I can't tell you how I questioned myself.
I was obsessed with his past indiscretions and always bringing stuff up, picking fights etc

Maybe you need more time and proof that he will not betray your trust again. You need to see him earn your trust and that he is consistent.
Only then, will you start to feel a bit more positive and your view of him will change.


I think it is true what they say, that it takes a lot of time.... and work on his part to earn your trust and love.

I am on year 4 now and it has gotten a LOT better.
I did not think it possible but it has!

Hang in there.



Me (betrayed): 35
Him:45


Posts: 266 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Canada
Missymomma
♀ 36988
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, year two does suck. All the way up until the last 2 months of it, I found it harder than year 1. I think there is a dynamic in year 2 where the WS thinks it should be getting better and the BS really has absorbed all of the damage that has happened. It seems very common here that year 2 is very hard!

The good news is, now into year 3 things are starting to improve. Hoping by year 5, we are even better!


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
blakesteele
♂ 38044
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LA44 speaks the truth...again.

rachelc, we did not experience our WS's embracing their hurtful actions immediately. TT'ing, wistfully missing their AP's, angry at us for breaking up something "special" to them....this all plays into added length of R...jeopardizes R really. But this is our journey...

Dont mean to depress you more...just suggesting you look at those on here with a more positive attitude and I think you will find their WS is more the "model WS" then we have.

I hate being negative too...not at all natural...I sense you are turned in a similar fashion. I believe it will come back to us...with our without successful R.

I have also lost the hyper-vigilence stage....forgot my wifes password to her cell phone account a couple of months ago...just ask for it last night. Almost seems fruitless because there are so many ways for her to repeat her pattern....so I get the "meh, whatever" attitude.

I will submit that attitudes change. Ours has since adultery entered our marriage, I am hopeful it will change again as boundaries are erected to prevent this from happening again.

You say....."now what?".

I think the missing ingredient is....time.

It will take time for our fWS's to make ammends for the damage they have done. Since I believe tt'ing and other dreadful acts ADD to the recovery time, we should expect our recovery time to be longer then that of members whose fWS stepped up and started owning their crap early on.

For those it might be that their end of year one is like our end of year two...KWIM?

I have read and my IC has eluded to the fact that my wifes continued choice of lying to me, breaking no contact, and actually moving her EA to a PA while we were in weekly counseling sessions all add exponential time to recovery and reconcilliation. Can't undo her actions...so it will take more time. I am 1 year out within the next 2 weeks. Holy cow this is tough.....

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
crazyblindsided
♀ 35215
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This would make repair very difficult. I think the people who are writing about how happy they are/progress - me being one of them - this (wondering if he is 100% in or not) is something I personally don't have to deal with.

This was a good post for me to read because I too have a spouse that was not remorseful until 8 months later and I also caught his A and every broken NC. I do not trust my WH at all. It is gone. I am negative because there isn't a positive way to look at my situation.

(((rachelc))) I hear you I never used to be this way either. Lately I have been breaking down and crying everyday because I am teetering on what I am doing R or D. Right now my WH is doing everything right and it's like meh. Same with the checking, I am not doing that either. It's really strange almost like I am detaching. I'm not trying to it's happening on it's own.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
IGaveItMyAll
♂ 38622
Member # 38622
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((rachelc)) Seeing what LA44 wrote... Its hard not to be negative when trust has been broken and was broken again. I have been generally happy with our progress. But its taken alot of meeting each others needs. I would like to get to the point where we have more fun a more sexual intimacy so hopefully year 2 will help with that. One thing that helped us both is working on acceptance and forgiveness. I was able to work on that because the work my W was putting in and helping me rebuild trust but its a hard one. Sorry you are having a hard time ((HUGS))


ME-BS 34
FWW-28
M 6 Yrs
DDAY- 8/20/12
R

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2013
4everHeartbroken
♀ 40369
Member # 40369
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am new to this site and I don't know if I should say its comforting to hear i am not alone or if that sounds selfish. Because truth is I don't wish this on anyone. For me this is year 2 and I thought I was going crazy that I this is even harder than the first year I thought it was supposed to get better with time, but I find myself more depressed and playing it over and over in my head as if I didn't have another million things to worry about this consumes my whole day from the moment I wake up till I go to bed. I hate to admit it has sadly turned into an obsession for me. How can I slowly get it out of my head?

Posts: 1 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Los Angeles
Topic Posts: 20

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