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Me @ 8.5 months

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LA44 posted 8/20/2013 08:13 AM

It's a little over 8.5 months now. I will start at the end and I say this without bitterness.

In order for me to accept my fWH actions I now know that fully understanding those actions is not necessary.

I came to this conclusion last Tuesday when I asked him to take me through that first night again - the night he de-tached so completely from our marriage and slept with a virtual stranger. It was always my hope that by hearing this story, how it played out, that I would somehow "get" it. That I would have that moment where I understood. Guess what? I still don't. It just ended up hurting me, infuriating me and my energy was spent on anger. For two days!

So, while I read the books (3), the Healing Library and go to IC and MC and talk to all of you on SI, I get some of the aspects that played a role in that decision (a very messy critical events time-line, his inability to share his stresses, concerns, anxiety, his anger/pride (ego) and entitlement). I am an emotional person but also a rational person. I SEE that these things contributed but, there will always be a part in me - in my heart - that says, "I don't get it. I don't get how you moved so far away from me + you in those hours that led up to your decision. And how you did it again and again and again...for 2+ years."

I get that I will never "get" that. And that's okay. I am not bitter as I said. It just is. Period.

Close to D-Day I wrote down a list of things I had to accept. I know that I have to accept these things. What choice do I have? I am not going to be fighting something that has already happened next year at this time. For what? It won't change a thing. Nothing on that list will disappear but my strength will if I don't get to that place.

But at least for now, I have accepted that I don't ever have to fully understand my H's mind-set in order to accept what he did. There is a part in my heart that never will and you know what? That's okay.


[This message edited by LA44 at 8:25 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)]

bionicgal posted 8/20/2013 08:18 AM

I appreciate this very much. I, too, am a logical person, and have struggled with acceptance. My husband is as well, so to hear him describe what happened, well. . . .it defies reason. I think that is one reason it is so scary for me.

LA44 posted 8/20/2013 08:22 AM

bionicgirl (first, love the name!) There was a very good thread going last week (still is) - Best Advice by MC and a few times a MC spoke of accepting bc there will never be a good enough "why". The timing could not have been better.

After I re-asked him what happened that night I was left with nothing....nothing new. Just my anger. I am tired of being angry.

You are right. Some things defy logic. We - or rather I - was trying to apply it to a very bad emotional decision. It simply can't be done.

[This message edited by LA44 at 8:28 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)]

ShedSomeLight posted 8/20/2013 08:28 AM

OK.. this is one of the best posts I have read and thank you !!! I have been trying to understand "why".... and I think with my logical mind, I can not understand why he cheated on me for 2 years. I know today that I have to let go of trying to understand his actions. Hugs to you.

LA44 posted 8/20/2013 08:30 AM

SSL. Thank you! Nothing makes me more grateful then when I feel I have helped another member.

I highly recommend the Best Advice by MC which is on the R forum - I think just below or above this post.

We get there when we get there, right. I am so glad to at least be moving towards peace.

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