SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

marton posted 8/20/2013 09:48 AM

My BSO has requested me to write a time line. I am having a problem doing it because I have truthfully answered many of his questions with him believing only a few of my answers. He believes what he thinks anyway. He also believes that since it went on for 14 months that it was a relationship instead of an affair. He believes if it was an affair it would not have lasted more than a few days or at most a month or so. We only had sex 2 times in the year before he found out. He was withholding sex because I did not do certain things to conform to his lifestyle. Like go to bed when he does, be here everyday when he gets home from work, let him know where I am etc...He is a good guy in every way and he has always considered me and my feelings in all decisions and he always lets me know where he is and what he is doing. I have often referred to him as Mr. Right. He is very intelligent and a very good and generous provider. I had it made. I did not have to work if I didn't want to and had been given a bank account that had a weekly check deposited in it and was able to pretty much do as I wanted, so his expectations were understandable, however I had a drug relapse for the last 2 years behind his back.He has never used and it was easy to hide and he was never one to go through my things, phone etc...the affair started 7 months after the relapse started therefore my emotions and conscience were smothered. He not only wants when we met, where at , how many times, he wants me to write my thoughts, how I felt, what went on and what I was thinking while it was happening, if I thought about him. He does not understand the mind of a drug addict and there is no way I can even remember the things he is asking for so he is going to say and think I am downplaying and not being honest or not telling the truth etc...
Anyone got any advice as to how I write this for him. Also I have been on the betrayed side of an affair before and I do know how that feels I also have cheated when I did not really care for the other person and it did not hurt me that much and there wasn't much guilt that I felt, but I can say that the guilt and regret and when you do care and don't want to lose someone you betrayed and what you go through after they find out is almost as bad as being betrayed or cheated on. I feel like I have cheated on myself .

[This message edited by marton at 5:01 AM, August 29th (Thursday)]

SurprisinglyOkay posted 8/20/2013 10:03 AM

Hey! Welcome to SI!

This really is an amazing place to work through infidelity!

the affair started 7 months after the relapse

Mine did too, not seven months, but my A's were directly related to my drug relapses.

Are you in recovery? I am and going through the step process has been amazing. It has helped me grow and change in ways I didn't know were possible. It has changed my life.

I feel like I have cheated on myself .

You have. You have compromised your morals and values in the quest to feel good about yourself. Which never works, I tried for years.
Addict thinking runs SO deep. It's so easy to get stuck in the guilt and shame spiral, and self pity.
Those will run your life until you deal with it.

He does not understand the mind of a drug addict

I do, and thankfully so does my BS.

It's a tough thing to understand.

There are 12 step programs that could help him.

I never did a timeline, but I guess my best advice is just to write it all down. ALL of it, as best you can remember.
I'm sure someone will be along with better advice about the timeline

marton posted 8/20/2013 21:40 PM

Thank you, and yes I am addressing my drug issue. I am supposed to be going in a 28 day program hopefully Monday.

SurprisinglyOkay posted 8/20/2013 21:47 PM

Excellent. I hope it helps!!