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wanttogoforward posted 8/20/2013 09:54 AM

Our background is one where my H has had very poor boundaries at a few times in our history (married over 20 years).....
He has spent a lot of time lately nitpicking at little things he feels are not right... we had a huge blow up over something he opened that was closed again. I have no clue how it could have happened but it could have been bumped easily as I was in the area with my hands totally full of stuff for work... on a normal day not a big deal right? It was not a big issue at all!
I admit I was defensive.... dammit I did nothing wrong- it wasn't that it was closed- nobody really cares, but I was getting the huge impression- maybe because he asked who I had there... the fact is in over 20 years I never cheated... never even gave him a reason to question anything... I am open with everything and always have been! Email, my finances, credit card,where I go and when... nothing is secret about my life.... if I'm going to be late or there is a change of plans I always let him know.... we touch base at lunchtime almost daily... I leave for work at the same time each day and return at the same time.... I have no life outside our family... I don't go out drinking... only hang out with my girlfriends who are all friends of our marriage and 1000% trustworthy.. and when I do go places with my girlfriends he knows he can check up on me online through my phone anytime..... in the past few months I have only gone to lunch with a friend twice and one overnight with girlfriends shopping all sharing a hotel room- with his blessing...
It has taken 3 years for him to admit the last thing he did was an EA- he has always just gone with the excuse of "I took it too far" he says he is willing to read the books I got.... He is of the attitude many others seem to be "if I didn't have sex with her it's not an affair".... I call bullshit and told him I want him to start owning his shit!
I'm mentally exhausted by our lack of progress... it seems like every time I make progress he does something dumb to make me go back.... negative things like little lies, hiding little things, questioning my innocence...
I really don't think it is projection like when an active cheater accuses the innocent person as he has been quite open about email, work schedule, etc.... I have access to it all....
I told him I feel like he is passive aggressive.... accusing me.... I can tell when he says things like "just want you to know how I feel when you question me"... and my response? "I have a reason to be the way I am.... you created this".....
I am just sooooo frustrated that I feel like just giving up.... why the hell do I stay I wonder? I love him, but the stress has taken a serious toll on me.... I am sometimes just not sure if it's going to take a total mental breakdown on my part for him to get it.....my heart pounds like crazy.... my body is on meltdown.... I tired meds but they don't work for me.... did IC/MC early on....
I just keep trying and trying and feel like I'm not getting true growth out of him

I just know he is causing an enormous amount of damage and setting back our progress with his accusations and little lies.

sparklezombie posted 8/20/2013 12:45 PM

If you aren't getting true growth or change, then is he really committed to reconciling? It doesn't sound like it. And if he's not, is this a marriage that you want to be in? It doesn't sound like it?

I would consider going back to IC and MC and working yourself to determine what your boundaries and limits are. Is him deflecting and not taking responsibility something you're willing to live with for the rest of your life or is it a deal breaker?

boontje posted 8/20/2013 15:57 PM

I'm confused. Is he accusing you of cheating?

wanttogoforward posted 8/21/2013 07:49 AM

Boontje...

I am certainly getting the distinct impression he is accusing me of cheating.... but he is doing it slyly.... by asking such things like..."going somewhere?"... " who did you have in the car today?".... shit like that!
I told him flat out I feel he is being passive aggressive and that in over 20 years I have never felt the need to cheat....
It's always little digs like he thinks I am but won't come out and actually ask... so I have asked if he thought I was cheating... and his response is always "I don't really think you would but your strange behavior makes me wonder"..... um.... that strange behavior is my nervous breakdown because I feel he isn't owning his own shit and helping move us forward! Told him that too! I'm not holding much back these days in regards to how I feel .....
Unfortunately I hate getting the response so many get at just a few months out (we are 3 years out)... shit like "you'll never get over this" .....
If he doesn't begin to read those books (Not Just Friends, etc) and own his shit soon then I know (sadly) that he may be right and that he just doesn't care enough about me to put things back together (he is an avoider- but I'm not letting him avoid this time!) Just worn out over the whole thing.... just want to crawl into bed and lay there.