Our background is one where my H has had very poor boundaries at a few times in our history (married over 20 years).....
He has spent a lot of time lately nitpicking at little things he feels are not right... we had a huge blow up over something he opened that was closed again. I have no clue how it could have happened but it could have been bumped easily as I was in the area with my hands totally full of stuff for work... on a normal day not a big deal right? It was not a big issue at all!
I admit I was defensive.... dammit I did nothing wrong- it wasn't that it was closed- nobody really cares, but I was getting the huge impression- maybe because he asked who I had there... the fact is in over 20 years I never cheated... never even gave him a reason to question anything... I am open with everything and always have been! Email, my finances, credit card,where I go and when... nothing is secret about my life.... if I'm going to be late or there is a change of plans I always let him know.... we touch base at lunchtime almost daily... I leave for work at the same time each day and return at the same time.... I have no life outside our family... I don't go out drinking... only hang out with my girlfriends who are all friends of our marriage and 1000% trustworthy.. and when I do go places with my girlfriends he knows he can check up on me online through my phone anytime..... in the past few months I have only gone to lunch with a friend twice and one overnight with girlfriends shopping all sharing a hotel room- with his blessing...
It has taken 3 years for him to admit the last thing he did was an EA- he has always just gone with the excuse of "I took it too far" he says he is willing to read the books I got.... He is of the attitude many others seem to be "if I didn't have sex with her it's not an affair".... I call bullshit and told him I want him to start owning his shit!
I'm mentally exhausted by our lack of progress... it seems like every time I make progress he does something dumb to make me go back.... negative things like little lies, hiding little things, questioning my innocence...
I really don't think it is projection like when an active cheater accuses the innocent person as he has been quite open about email, work schedule, etc.... I have access to it all....
I told him I feel like he is passive aggressive.... accusing me.... I can tell when he says things like "just want you to know how I feel when you question me"... and my response? "I have a reason to be the way I am.... you created this".....
I am just sooooo frustrated that I feel like just giving up.... why the hell do I stay I wonder? I love him, but the stress has taken a serious toll on me.... I am sometimes just not sure if it's going to take a total mental breakdown on my part for him to get it.....my heart pounds like crazy.... my body is on meltdown.... I tired meds but they don't work for me.... did IC/MC early on....
I just keep trying and trying and feel like I'm not getting true growth out of him
I just know he is causing an enormous amount of damage and setting back our progress with his accusations and little lies.
