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IC during R- Did it help you?

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jennie19 posted 8/20/2013 10:06 AM


My WH and I have been in R for 10 months. For some reason the past three months have been terrible for me and I've had a lot of hopelessness, thoughts of D, etc. My WH has improved (maybe not at the pace I would have liked, but for him, he's made strides...), and there has been NC since D-Day. I have no idea why I'm suddenly feeling so terribly sad and angry after we had MC and a steady 6 mos. of good R. A lot came out in a conversation last night about my holding feelings back about the PA. It led to him asking if perhaps maybe too much damage had been done and whether we are forcing things. I start IC tomorrow. I'm asking for any feedback about whether IC has helped anyone in the R process. I'ts so painful to think that our trying to work on things for almost a year might have been in vain...

Mack9512 posted 8/20/2013 10:31 AM

Morning Jennie,

My fWH and I are only doing IC right now. Our M had a number of issues that were related to our individual pasts and NOT our M, so we figured if we don't fix these things within ourselves first, then there will be no chance for our M to succeed.

For me personally, I decided to only do IC because I wanted to be strong enough to stand on my own if I decided to go the D route instead of R. I figured a strong me would win either way.

From your posts, it sounds like depression may be setting in, which is what happened to me as well. Going to IC and a small dose of AD helped tremendously.

Stay strong and do what you feel is best for yourself first and foremost.


Rebreather posted 8/20/2013 11:14 AM

IC was utterly critical for me. I could not have reconciled without it. I needed new tools to handle the trauma.

sparklezombie posted 8/20/2013 12:29 PM

IC has been incredibly helpful for me. It's helped me to see that WH isn't really trying to reconcile, even though he says that he is. IT's helped me deal with my own feelings, grow a backbone and stand up for what I want and need. It's also helped me recognize abusive behavior and that this isn't normal and that I don't have to accept it. So, while I can't say I'm at a point yet where I really want to R (will depend on his behavior and changes), I can say that IC is absolutely worth it.

Alex CR posted 8/20/2013 12:37 PM

IC was extremely helpful for me. I was able to clear my head and really see the issues for me in our marriage....she also helped me get through the intense anger that wasn't helping but hurting me.

There are lots of threads about similar stages many of us seem to reach during R....for me the shock wore off at about 6-8 months and I became really angry....Others write about the plain of lethal flatness may be hitting a stage of R that others with more knowledge can comment on and offer some solutions....

Hang in there...R isn't easy but it can be worth it.

[This message edited by Alex CR at 12:37 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)]

HardenMyHeart posted 8/20/2013 21:38 PM

I had 4 IC sessions right after D-day and it helped me a lot.

I start IC tomorrow.

I suggest you go with an open mind with no preconceptions. The first session the IC will likely ask some questions so they get to know you better and get a better understanding of what you are struggling with.

So sorry for what you are going through.

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