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Hatred Boiling inside

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Running the Race posted 8/20/2013 10:17 AM

Let me first say, I have IC two times a month...

So I have gone completely NC with EXW. Well, I still need to discuss things about the kids. I’ve noticed the last few weeks a change has started to form in me, and I don’t like it. I want to not care at all about her, not even give her a thought. The problem is that I still think about her throughout the day. Even the various activities I participate in cannot completely distract me from thinking of her.
So now, the change I feel/see in my life, I feel this underlining hatred building. I see her, see her friends, I just get angry. I feel myself becoming more and more irritable and at the same time sad.
I now find myself avoiding her because I don’t want to feel hurt. Or I don’t trust myself not to yell at her or do something stupid. I know she has begun the “work on me” phase. Where she changes her looks and tries to lose weight. Getting back on the market stuff. That’s hard to see take place.
I think I feel sad, because I tried one time to put things back together after she moved out, of course that fell through. So when I see her, I see someone who rejected me. Rejected what I had to offer. So the sad part I can understand, the missing someone you have been with for 20 years, I understand. The hatred is what is scaring me. I have not been such a hateful person in life.
Here is what happened last night:
My EXW listens to club music. In particular music about people getting “busy” on the dance floor. So my kids have been exposed to this music with their mom. My 6 year old and 9 year old have begun to sing these songs about “were up all night to get lucky”, I know most of you have heard them. I just didn’t want my daughter and son singing them. Which they do.
So I tell my EXW that we need to monitor the music we listen to in front of the kids. She got really defensive, and said “lets agree that they can only listen to Christian music.” She really goe to shurch, yet enjoys drinking, and partying.
I told her that’s not necessary. There are certain songs they should not listen to. I don’t have any beef with my daughter listening to Taylor Swift or something.
Anyway, at one point she says to me “why do I feel like your accusing me of listening to inappropriate music with the kids?” and I could not hold it back, it just came out.
I said “because I don’t listen to the songs they are singing about going to the club and getting laid”.
She said I won’t listen anymore, and we both just turned of walked away from each other. She texted me later she was sorry and didn’t want to fight. I texted her we are not fighting (since it takes two and I refused- I didn’t tell her that though), then I put, “No big deal, good night.”
I really feel this hate in me toward her. But why? Why can’t I teach myself that she doesn’t matter. Why do I want “revenge”, like I hope greatly that she has a miserable life. Fails to accomplish her goals in life. Runs into all sorts of problems. I really don’t want to be this way, but I feel from the morning I wake up, to when I go to sleep. I really want her to have a crappy day.
We have all met those guys, the bitter, angry, unhappy, everything is negative kind of guy. Never smiles. I really want to avoid being that guy…..

SBB posted 8/20/2013 10:58 AM

I know the rage, friend. I really do.

Protective mechanism? Coping mechanism? Who knows.

Anger is good - it can help you detach if you harness it.

Blind rage though is not good. It brings out ugly parts of ourselves.

You're still attached and it is making you crazy. I went through something very similar. I had to hit rock bottom. I went strict NC because I had had enough hurt - from him and from myself.

Gently, you couldn't make her be a good wife no matter what you tried. You have a shit show in hell of making her a good mother. This is who she is.

Engaging with her like this scratches and itch but it will keep your wounds open and bleeding for longer than they need to be.

I remember reading here once "it is up to you how painful this needs to be". I had a flash of anger when I read it because I wasn't yet ready to acknowledge that he could not continue to hurt me without my consent.

You simply cannot heal whilst still engaging with her. I learned this the hard way as I suspect most of us do.

You may be starting to reach your own rock bottom. I don't envy you because it is an ugly, dark place - but for me I know I had to hit it to purge that last bit of hope I had that I would at least see a glimpse of the man I thought I married.

I didn't want to be with him, he disgusts me - just the thought of being in his presence makes my skin crawl yet I was still hoping to see that glimpse.

Rock bottom for me was accepting that not only was that guy dead and gone but that he most likely only ever existed in my head.

This stuff is a mind-fuck. There are things you can do to make it easier on yourself (180/NC, focussing on YOU and YOUR future, physical activity that releases some at that rage etc.).

There are also things you can do that make it harder on yourself - maintaining contact, trying to exert control, fighting battles because you are right - basically anything that pets the drama llama.

Obsessive thinking is also very common. I used the image of a stop sign, some posters mention snapping a rubber band around their wrist.

There is a thread here ATM about a book "Journey from Abandonment to Healing". I've realised a lot of my reaction to this isn't about the cheating at all. It has stirred up so many other things in me that I didn't know which way was up for a while.

It is easy to become bitter but you're right, its not who you want to be. Give yourself time and space to grieve this. Give yourself permission to be angry about this but harness it into extracting her from your life and your mind.

Only discuss things with her that are absolutely essential. Nothing that she can find out herself. There are online calendars where you can both see and add to the kids schedules/activities.

I think there is a limbo in S/D too - where our heart has not caught up with our heads. We don't want them back but we want them to still behave in ways we expect. We feel hurt/disappointment each time they prove us wrong.

Stop contact and stop having expectations. Let go of that which you cannot control and focus on what you can control, namely, you.

((RunningtheRace)) All of this is easier said than done but I promise you it is so very worth it.

debbysbaby posted 8/20/2013 11:24 AM

You have gotten really good advice, but you might enjoy listening to this song which you may relate to right now. I think you're in a very normal phase.

Jaron And the long road to love – I'll pray for you

CharlieFoxtrot posted 8/20/2013 21:48 PM

You are not alone. I have come to a place that I had to accept my hatred of him to be productive and heal in any other area. I do hope that one day, I will reach indifference. Today ain't that day, and tomorrow ain't lookin too good, either. I don't hate the world, I don't hate all men, and I don't hate women, but I do hate him. It is something that I am using to propel me to a life without him and a life without triggers. If you can use the hatred of the evil things to jumpstart you to new beginnings and new life, then and only then has accepting hatred served its purpose.

My hope for myself and for you is that it is temporary and fleeting, and someday soon we will reach indifference.


Running the Race posted 8/20/2013 23:25 PM

Thank you all for the replies, I'm going through a lot this week and coming weekend. I feel the anger comes from the feeling of great hurt I have. I'm not at all sure what she is going through. I'm sure I'll be posting another topic about soon, my situation has many self inflicting emotional turns.

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