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Newest Member: wtal (61163)

User Topic: DS is 6 months old today....triggering hard
♀ 39036
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DDay was almost 6 months ago. DS was 10 days old when I found out about the A. We've been separated longer than the A lasted.

Well this morning when I got up and was getting ready for the day I did a little celebration with the baby. Yay, you are 6 months! My little peanut is a big baby now....but in those happy moments a sadness came over me. 6 months during which his dad hasn't lived with us. 6 month antiversary is coming up. 6 months since that nagging feeling came over me that said something is very, very wrong here. 6 months since my eyes were opened and the distance, coldness, and hardness that I mistook for stress were revealed to actually be an A..with a trashhole OW.

So I'm triggering hard today.

My friends and family have been texting and I sent them a pic too. I'm also on a texting thread with my WS, SIL, MIL, and FIL. They all texted happy things.

I wanted to text this: It's bittersweet. Happy that we reached a milestone but sad that his birth is also mixed in with unhappy memories. Today has been tough. 6 months is a long time to be stuck. I hope by the time I get to his actual birthday the bad stuff will be far behind us.

I DID NOT text this. I did not text anything. I'm trying this approach on myself:
1) Why would I want to text something like that to my WS and his family?
2) What outcome do I want to get from sending something like that?

My answers are as follows:
1) Maybe because I'm hurting and these are bad memories for me, I want him to hurt or I'm trying to shame him in front of his family.
2) Maybe the response or outcome I want is for him to have a realization like, oh my son's birth is a painful memory for her and it's my fault.

I realize that neither of these things would happen and I will just come off as a bitter woman who can't move on or is stuck.

Anyway...I'm just typing it out and bringing my pain/uneasiness here.

I really hope that by his first birthday I won't have these feelings anymore. It still hurts that his dad isn't there to share our moments...even if they are tinged with bad memories.

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 5:52 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)]

Me: BS 37
Him: WS 37
20 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 418 | Registered: Apr 2013
♀ 33226
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


You can call me NIK

And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.
― Sarah McMane

Posts: 40231 | Registered: Aug 2011
♀ 40141
Member # 40141
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry newmom. I hope it gets better by his first birthday too.

M 7 years, together for 12
2 kids- DD5 & DD 1 1/2
D-Day 7/2013 - Divorced!

Posts: 160 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
♀ 25895
Member # 25895
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I bet they are very ashamed of him and if he is not a total ass, he should be ashamed of himself as well. He will never get those first six months back. You, on the other hand have all the wonderful memories of your son.

I am sorry that today is bittersweet for you. I think you are quite an awesome person and Mom to not send the text and make today about your child. Something his father has not figured out how to do. He might not even deserve such a wonderful wife and child.

I'd smack him for you if I could!

"That which can be destroyed by the truth should be" P.C. Hodgell

Posts: 498 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Southern Maryland
♀ 34678
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, August 20th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you for posting here and not to him or his family or anyone else!!!!!! This is big!!!

You can do this, we are quality people, and the WS are really too flawed to "get it".

Trust me,, I think my oldest son has the hardest time with the D because he has more memories. I think if you raise your son yourself he will have a better life.

FYI, I was adopted as an infant. Many times as a child I wondered about my birth mom. BUT, I was having a great life, so that was it, I just wondered about her. She, however, married an alcoholic and had a rough time of it. We have met recently. So, even though the place I grew up in was not with my "natural" mom, I had a great life. Because your child is so young, your child is going to have a great life and not be hurt by XWH....

again, great job on posting here...

Sometimes He calms the storm. Sometimes He lets the storm rage, but calms His child.
Dday 12/19/11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day. Shocked the hell out of him, with D papers, I'm proud to say!
D final10/30/2012

Posts: 4097 | Registered: Jan 2012
♀ 39668
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was thinking today that when I would say things like this to WS or his family in the beginning, I think I was subconsciously taking a litmus test of where WS was at, hoping for evidence of change. It was so painful for me to remain in the emotional/mental head space that his A left me in that I think I was systematically testing for a breaking point, hoping for an escape.

An analogy comes to mind: did you ever see Jurassic Park? Remember when the raptor dude says that they were testing the electronic fence for weaknesses? I think that's what continued contact was like for me. I was a trapped raptor searching for vulnerabilities to get me out of the cage I was in.

(Okay, I just woke up, so bear with me with that one! )

Maybe you're realizing that testing is no longer required. You have all of the info you need to move forward.

BS / D

Posts: 886 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ 36134
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((New mom)))))))

Your son is lucky to have a mom who is doing her best to be authentic and stable parent in his life. Keep showing him that is who you are.

Posting here is the best way to handle those triggers when sharing them with x would bring more pain to recover from.


And Happy Half Birthday to your little man.

I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 6708 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
♀ 38735
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry NewMom. The only positive to this is that your son is so little, he'll never remember a time when mom and dad were together. This will just be the norm for him.

I also had a 4 month old when I discovered the A. I also have a 5 year old dd. The separation and divorce has been very hard on her. She is dealing with feelings of abandonment from the Gnat and has to adjust to spending time with him and Hello Kitty homewrecker. My DS will never know any different and won't have to face the adjustment that dd did.

So as sad as your situation is, consider it a small blessing that he chose to do this now instead of when your DS is older. You will move on in life and meet someone wonderful who will genuinely love you and be a good father figure for your son.

BW - Me (40)
XWH -The Gnat
"Engaged" to OW, but the wedding appears to be indefinitely postponed.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (8), 1 DS (3)
Dday 3/13
Happily Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 1268 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: AZ
♀ 39451
Member # 39451
Default  Posted: 11:29 PM, August 21st (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to hear what you are going through, it is painful, I went through the same thing few months ago, lost 15 lbs in 2 months, i look awesome now I felt 10 times better.

You are at the right place, talk to us, talk to your friends whenever you need, you need support.

It is his loss, he will get stucked to pay CS for next 20 years.

Keep yourself busy, I went to local infidelity revovery group, Separation n divorce group, met great people,even had fun, it helps you to move on!

Be strong girl, you can pull it through and show him you are better off without him, pm me if you need to talk, take care!

[This message edited by Blackhair at 11:31 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)]

M: 10 years both late 40s.
3 Children
DDay: April 2013
Legally separated on Oct 2013.
I am determined to fly even with broken wings and a broken heart!

Posts: 203 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 9

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