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Did you do a 180? Or did you have another method?

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mixedintherut posted 8/20/2013 11:24 AM

How long did it take your cheating spouse to come to the fact that they wanted to work on their M as opposed to continue their A? Did you wait for them to make a decision? Did you give them an ultimatum? Did you do a 180, if so, how long did it take? I do realize that each case is different. My thoughts and emotions are so all over the place. I am strong for the beginning of the day, but when I stop being busy, my mind starts wondering. I don't know what the right thing to do is. And I am still so confused and hurt! So far I have been able to 180, and because he is a truck driver and not home through the week, it's been easier then the time will be when he's home on the weekend. But I am fighting the urges to text him or to call him and last out.

kg201 posted 8/20/2013 11:30 AM


I'm in a similar place to you. I have been trying to stick to the 180 for the last week. Still waiting for my WW to come to. Like you, it gets harder as the day moves on.

This morning I found out my wife was on the way to the ER (she is on vacation with my kids and my in-laws, while I'm at work) due to her cancer treatment side-effects. I told her I would come down to help if needed, but inside I am thinking, "chump". She texted me a few moments ago to tell me she is in the ER with my oldest son, while everyone else (2 younger kids with in-laws) is back at the vacation home. I responded with "Do you need me?" She hasn't replied...I'm curious if she will.

Try to stick with the 180. I saw some early results, although the current situation is making it hard. Good luck. Those of us here have your back.

Rebreather posted 8/20/2013 11:30 AM

My husband chose me the day he married me. I would not allow him to make another choice.

I didn't do a 180 because it wasn't warranted in my situation. He was horrified at himself immediately(not that he didn't wildly fuck up again, mind you) and begged me to stay and try.

If your spouse is not in that place, I highly recommend a 180 to see what YOU want. Do not put him in the driver's seat. It is wholly ineffective.

womaninflux posted 8/20/2013 11:50 AM

I know this is a difficult time for you (and all of us here at SI).

The one thing that has helped me move forward the most in the last 5 months is:

Put yourself first. Take care of yourself. Don't be so worried about what your WS thinks or is doing, because they are going to continue to do whatever they want until they decide they don't want to do it any longer. Basically, focus all of the energy/effort you are placing on wondering what your WS's next move is and focus it on yourself.

Dr. Phil's website actually has some good advice on it about what the BS should/should not do if you are looking for a concise list without having to read through a bunch of threads. Also, keep in mind that any person giving you advice or their story - here or otherwise - is giving it to you through their filter or with their own agenda. Just a thought. In the end, you have to act on what YOU want to do and think what is best for your situation in the short and long term.

Audrina posted 8/20/2013 12:18 PM

I implemented the 180 but I did it for own sanity.
I did it for myself because I wanted to move on and focus on me. I was sick of being in pain and just wanted nothing to do with this crap anymore.
Taking care of myself was the best thing that I did with the support of my friends.
Sometimes, you have to detach.

I did not do the 180 so I can get him back.
It just happened that it woke him up and brought him back to me.
This outcome was very unexpected as I had given up on him and did not even want him back.
I even started dating.

It took about 3 months of 180 for him to wake the hell up but it took about another 9 months for me to decide whether to give it another shot.

I guess , different methods work for different situations.
But I do think the 180 is great because it is all about taking care of YOU.

[This message edited by Audrina at 12:26 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)]

sparklezombie posted 8/20/2013 12:35 PM

I didn't do the 180 the first bunch of DDs. Now I am. My WH only appears to be remorseful when I threaten to or actually leave/separate. Now that I'm moving out again, he wants to R. Go figure. All I can say is that the 180 is working in that he wants to be together, but in my case, he hasn't done the work required to make a permanent change in his behavior so I haven't changed my mind about leaving. What I can say though is that the 180 is definitely the best way to go. I didn't do this the first times. I beggeed him not to leave, told him I loved him, did anything for him, smothered him, etc. It didn't work and made me feel horrible. Now, I feel more in control of my life. That's a better place to be.

crazyblindsided posted 8/20/2013 16:24 PM

I too did the 180 for my sanity. Every time my WH broke NC there has been a consequence. I have made him leave on many occasions. I even had an appointment set with a lawyer and was ready to D. That seemed to wake him up.

But like sparklezombie says

he hasn't done the work required to make a permanent change in his behavior so I haven't changed my mind about leaving.

My WH hasn't been back to IC and is not addressing HIS issues. He is making the M better, but not working on himself so I have no other option but to think this way.

Bobbi_sue posted 8/20/2013 17:12 PM

First of all, welcome. I know there have been other BS of truck drivers here, but you are the first one that I have directly seen post here! My cheater ex was also a truck driver.

How long did it take your cheating spouse to come to the fact that they wanted to work on their M as opposed to continue their A?

My X cheated on me throughout our entire 13 yr. M. At times he sure made it seem like he wanted to work on it, but he never did work on it, for real. I would not have waited for him to "want to work on it" for even one day. The only reason I gave him some chances is because he put on a good show immediately making it look like he was remorseful and wanted to work on it. I would not knowingly wait even one day while a man was "deciding" if he wanted to end an A, or whether he wanted to be married to me.

The 180 is NOT something to try to manipulate a WS into coming around to the BS way of thinking. It is for the BS to detach in such cases where the WS is not remorseful, or is still in the A. Some BS can detach naturally and start finding their own way, realizing life will continue with or without the WS. I guess you have to decide if it is right for you, but don't do it in hopes of getting
him to "come around."

Did you give them an ultimatum?
yes. After one of the more dramatic d-days (when I was pregnant with our 3rd child) I told him that he could never drive over the road again. If he could not find a job where he'd be home every night, I'd divorce him. He actually did quit driving OTR and got a local driving job. We stayed together two more years. Then one day he started to test the waters and said: "What would you think if I said I wanted to drive OTR again?"

I just said, "Do what you want." I am fairly sure he interpreted that as I would be fine with it and I'm just such a nice wife, you know???

But after he came home from a two week stint, I told him that I'd been to lawyer and filed for a D!!!!!! He was utterly shocked. You see, it was not really an ultimatum the way I saw it. It was a decision I made for me, that I planned to stick with. He could do "what he wants" but I'm not going to "trust" that a man who has been with prostitutes out on the road is going to be faithful.

So...he quit the job again, and was home every night, and I dropped the divorce procedings. At that time, I told him if I so much as heard a rumor about him looking the wrong way or anything inappropriate with a woman, I was filing again.

And that day came about a year later. I filed for a D two days later and have never looked back. He married that final OW. She became a truck driver too so she could go with him on his trips. Imagine seemed she did not trust him!

I don't want to bring you down as maybe your story will be completely different. Just remember one thing: the only person you can change is yourself. No amount of willing it, doing the 180, forcing readings and counselors, etc. are going to change him unless he wants to change himself and does it of his own accord with no pushing from the outside.

[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 5:18 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)]

mixedintherut posted 8/20/2013 17:46 PM

I am doing the 180 for myself, as the first time I just fell apart. I was essentially a zombie going through the motions everyday so that my daughter was taken care of. I want to hold on to hope, but unlike last time, i know for a fact that I can live without him, and this time, if that is what it comes down to, I want to do it happily and successfully and not just struggling to get through each day to take care of my daughter. At this point, I am trying to consider all of my options, but I would be lying if I didn't say that I want him to see the wrong he is doing, and want to work on his issues, and our issues as a couple, so that we can work through this. My feelings about the whole thing change daily, sometimes hourly. I love him, and may always love him, but I also know that I can not be the only person wanting out relationship to work, it takes two.

summerain posted 8/20/2013 17:57 PM

When I found out about main ow, I went to a job interview. Came back and said, you have a choice

1. You set up a confrontation w/ slutface and after tonight you never speak to her again w/out explicit permission

2. Get the fuck out of my house

He ummed and aaahed about the confrontation. But I did not compromise. Half an hour later confronted main ow.

I knew, so did he that i would kick him out and that would be it.

Lionne posted 8/20/2013 20:50 PM

My husband chose me the day he married me. I would not allow him to make another choice.

THIS is powerful. In my case, once I realized what was really going on, I was done unless he was finished with his "hobbies." (He's an SA) I didn't know about the 180, but I knew I wasn't competing, I was better than strippers and cheating liars even if I wasn't 24 anymore. I can't say I was in a healthy state of mind, healing took/takes longer, but no way I was begging.

I think it's been said here a lot, and it's too true, you have to be ready to lose your marriage to save it. But it can't be a tactic. You have to be ready to leave it for real.

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