I'm in a similar place to you. I have been trying to stick to the 180 for the last week. Still waiting for my WW to come to. Like you, it gets harder as the day moves on.
This morning I found out my wife was on the way to the ER (she is on vacation with my kids and my in-laws, while I'm at work) due to her cancer treatment side-effects. I told her I would come down to help if needed, but inside I am thinking, "chump". She texted me a few moments ago to tell me she is in the ER with my oldest son, while everyone else (2 younger kids with in-laws) is back at the vacation home. I responded with "Do you need me?" She hasn't replied...I'm curious if she will.
Try to stick with the 180. I saw some early results, although the current situation is making it hard. Good luck. Those of us here have your back.
I didn't do a 180 because it wasn't warranted in my situation. He was horrified at himself immediately(not that he didn't wildly fuck up again, mind you) and begged me to stay and try.
If your spouse is not in that place, I highly recommend a 180 to see what YOU want. Do not put him in the driver's seat. It is wholly ineffective.
The one thing that has helped me move forward the most in the last 5 months is:
Put yourself first. Take care of yourself. Don't be so worried about what your WS thinks or is doing, because they are going to continue to do whatever they want until they decide they don't want to do it any longer. Basically, focus all of the energy/effort you are placing on wondering what your WS's next move is and focus it on yourself.
Dr. Phil's website actually has some good advice on it about what the BS should/should not do if you are looking for a concise list without having to read through a bunch of threads. Also, keep in mind that any person giving you advice or their story - here or otherwise - is giving it to you through their filter or with their own agenda. Just a thought. In the end, you have to act on what YOU want to do and think what is best for your situation in the short and long term.
I did not do the 180 so I can get him back.
It just happened that it woke him up and brought him back to me.
This outcome was very unexpected as I had given up on him and did not even want him back.
I even started dating.
It took about 3 months of 180 for him to wake the hell up but it took about another 9 months for me to decide whether to give it another shot.
I guess , different methods work for different situations.
But I do think the 180 is great because it is all about taking care of YOU.
[This message edited by Audrina at 12:26 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)]
But like sparklezombie says
he hasn't done the work required to make a permanent change in his behavior so I haven't changed my mind about leaving.
My WH hasn't been back to IC and is not addressing HIS issues. He is making the M better, but not working on himself so I have no other option but to think this way.
How long did it take your cheating spouse to come to the fact that they wanted to work on their M as opposed to continue their A?
The 180 is NOT something to try to manipulate a WS into coming around to the BS way of thinking. It is for the BS to detach in such cases where the WS is not remorseful, or is still in the A. Some BS can detach naturally and start finding their own way, realizing life will continue with or without the WS. I guess you have to decide if it is right for you, but don't do it in hopes of getting
him to "come around."
Did you give them an ultimatum?
I just said, "Do what you want." I am fairly sure he interpreted that as I would be fine with it and I'm just such a nice wife, you know???
But after he came home from a two week stint, I told him that I'd been to lawyer and filed for a D!!!!!! He was utterly shocked. You see, it was not really an ultimatum the way I saw it. It was a decision I made for me, that I planned to stick with. He could do "what he wants" but I'm not going to "trust" that a man who has been with prostitutes out on the road is going to be faithful.
So...he quit the job again, and was home every night, and I dropped the divorce procedings. At that time, I told him if I so much as heard a rumor about him looking the wrong way or anything inappropriate with a woman, I was filing again.
And that day came about a year later. I filed for a D two days later and have never looked back. He married that final OW. She became a truck driver too so she could go with him on his trips. Imagine that...it seemed she did not trust him!
I don't want to bring you down as maybe your story will be completely different. Just remember one thing: the only person you can change is yourself. No amount of willing it, doing the 180, forcing readings and counselors, etc. are going to change him unless he wants to change himself and does it of his own accord with no pushing from the outside.
[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 5:18 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)]
1. You set up a confrontation w/ slutface and after tonight you never speak to her again w/out explicit permission
2. Get the fuck out of my house
He ummed and aaahed about the confrontation. But I did not compromise. Half an hour later confronted main ow.
I knew, so did he that i would kick him out and that would be it.
My husband chose me the day he married me. I would not allow him to make another choice.
THIS is powerful. In my case, once I realized what was really going on, I was done unless he was finished with his "hobbies." (He's an SA) I didn't know about the 180, but I knew I wasn't competing, I was better than strippers and cheating liars even if I wasn't 24 anymore. I can't say I was in a healthy state of mind, healing took/takes longer, but no way I was begging.
I think it's been said here a lot, and it's too true, you have to be ready to lose your marriage to save it. But it can't be a tactic. You have to be ready to leave it for real.