SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Devastated21 posted 8/20/2013 11:31 AM

I recently just found out that my DH cheated on me before we got married. He had gone out of town with his guy friends for a week. During that time he met this girl at the beach and ended up making out with her and a little more. He says it wasn't sex because he couldn't perform. He said he felt too guilty and knew he was hurting me and stopped it. We were living together at the time. Deep down I felt that something happened because she called and texted him after he got home. I actually talked to her and she said nothing happened but also said he never told her he had a live in girlfriend. Anytime I would bring it up, his story remained the same. The only reason why he told me now was because we got into a huge fight and I left for a couple days to clear my head. He wants to go to marriage counseling so we can become a better couple but I don't know if I can forgive him. If I had known he cheated, I never would have married him.

We have 3 kids together and that makes this so much harder. I was also married before and I don't want to have 2 divorces. I just don't know if I can move past this.

He thinks I need to get over it because it was before we were even engaged and it wasn't sex. I said it didn't matter. I was living with him and he lied to me for years about it!

Jewlz posted 8/20/2013 12:25 PM

I'm really sorry, it sounds like you are really hurt. It does shock and hurt you to find out someone you trusted betrayed you.

That said, I believe there is great promise in your situation. Definitely go to MC. You will move past it with time. I know it is really not something you believe or want to hear, but I also think something like this may even bring you together even closer because the talks and discussions in MC and with each other will give you an opportunity to be open and honest and the trust you build from here on may be stronger than before.

It's not too late for you two, hang in there. Take care of yourself.

womaninflux posted 8/20/2013 12:30 PM

You're experiencing a trauma regardless of when it happened. This kind of reaction is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and it is very real.

Try to find a counselor that can approach it this way. Also, one that will thoroughly examine family of origin issues as well as your H's interest in having a secret like the one he had for so long.

Girlietoo posted 8/20/2013 12:44 PM

I can only offer support since I am still trying to figure out how to move past this myself. Sometimes it helps to remind myself that this is only one short chapter of a very long book. I don't yet know what will happen in the future, I took the advise of some wise people here and made the decision not to make a decision about the future of my relationship for one full year. It has taken some of the pressure off during these early days.

Good luck to you are you travel this difficult journey.

tushnurse posted 8/20/2013 19:28 PM

Sounds like you had an understanding of exclusivity in your relationship when this happened if so then it's cheating and he needs to own that shit and not rugsweep it.

Of course he has ha all kinds of time to minimize, rationalize, and justify what he has done. This is brand new to you. He needs to be understanding of this.

You need to focus on you right now. Take care of you. He certainly is not.
Make sure you are eating and sleeping and staying hydrated if not talk to your dr, nothing wrong with a little chemical support during this.
Read the healing library. This provides you with tons of info on how to manage through this shitstorm.

See an attorney, find out your rights in this and how it can play out should you choose to d. This will give you strength and hopefully allow you to stay because you want to not because you had to financially.

Keep posting here. Aske questions, rage, weep laugh. We are here to share and support without judgement.

((((and strength))))

Devastated21 posted 9/13/2013 10:37 AM

We have been going to a counselor individually and together for a few weeks now, but I just don't feel it is helping. I am so angry! The more I talk to the therapist about how I feel and how my relationship/marriage has been the more I hate him. There are times I look at him and the mere sight of him makes me sick. We have a had a few fights since DD and during one I told him I hated him. I just don't know if I really even like him anymore. He has some pretty bad anger issues that he is seeing the counselor for as well. I don't think that will ever change. He still doesn't think what he did was wrong. The counselor has been urging me to make him get STD testing but I know he won't. He will just be an as*hole about it. Even typing this makes me see red. The thought of him right now makes me want to puke. I just don't see how we can fix this. As I look back on our relationship I realize he has always been a dick. When we first started dating he was on Match.com. He promised me he would deactivate his account. He didn't until I created a fake account and busted him. A few months later he freaked out on me and accused me of losing his shirt when his roommated had taken it. That night he gave his number out. When she called I answered his phone and busted him. He said he gave it out as a joke. I had the hardest time ever trusting him. Before he left on his trip we got into a huge fight after a night of drinking and he tried to choke me and said he would 'F' some whores on his trip. We made up the next day, but I still didn't trust him. I found emails between him and his friend who was going on the trip with him that he was worried about his friends girlfriend going because if WH messed around then she would tell me. I had the proof that he was looking to cheat before he even did it. I was just too stupid to see it. Had I just confronted him about the emails we would have been done. We should have been done a long time ago. I honestly wish I never would have married him. But then if I hadn't married him, then I wouldn't have my amazing son.

I am in no way innocent at all. I haven't been the picture perfect girlfriend/wife either. I am terrible with money and take on more debt than I can manage. He tried helping me with my self esteem in the past by opening a card for some augmentation. He had told me he would pay for half. Well when the time came he renigged and left me to pay for it myself. He didn't even go to the surgery with me. I had to find someone else to take me cause he didn't want to take off work but I have always taken off work for his things. I have tried asking him for help before financially and he has called me every name in the book. He makes more than twice as much as I do, yet I still pay for half of all bills for the house and then some. I used his credit card without permission just to get by with bills. I opened up 2 small cards in his name just to get things for our son. I was making minimum payments on everything until he found out. He says I murdered our marriage. I have left a few times before in the past because of his anger and how he treats me. This whole credit card mess started right after I got pregnant and I was so scared he would find out and was so stressed. He was so mean and angry and would always be at the bars with his single friends every weekend. EVERY WEEKEND while I was pregnant. I was so stressed during my pregnancy that our son suffered a stroke. He blames that on me. The last time I left was after he found out about me using his credit card. I stayed at my parents house. He said he was done and wanted a divorce. He said he could press charges if he wanted to and tried to get my exh involved and tried to get information about my past from him. I went to a lawyer. The lawyer said not to worry. I planned on getting a place of my own. We met at a park so he could see our son and accused me of cheating on him because he had "heard" things. I never once cheated EVER. He said he had some stu** on his d**k. (Was jock itch) He swore on our son's life he never cheated on me. After the park I went back to my parents house. He then calls me and tells me he cheated. Said he felt guilty. We had talked about doing a separation and his only concern was not wanting to pay child support and that he would haev to get roommates and would be out partying and said he may meet someone and I can't say he cant because i would be trapping him.
One night while i was at my parents house he texted me and asked me to meet him to talk. This was at 9pm. He wanted me to wake up our son and meet him somewhere. I said no. He said to bring a gun if I was scared. I did not meet him. I parked my vehicle in my parents barn and we locked the house up. He then showed up 2 hours later and drove into my parents driveway looking for me. He called me and then called my dad. He then texted me accusing me of lying about where i was. He has told ALL of our friends what I did to him but not once did he tell them he cheated or was physically/emotionally abusive. He wanted me to publically post on facebook what I did to him. He wanted me to apologize to his family for what I did to him. Not once has he apologized to my family for what he did to me.

The more I type, the more I hate him.

Secrets Kept posted 9/13/2013 15:17 PM

IMHO.....run to a lawyer as fast as you can. See how he feels about cheating & fucking whores when he gets the papers & has to face paying child support. Plus since he makes double your income, you should get a good amount. Also....where does that extra income of his go? Otherwise, I doubt it will or has stopped.

Simple posted 9/13/2013 17:21 PM

He thinks I need to get over it because it was before we were even engaged and it wasn't sex.

Rug-sweeper. Remember Bill Clinton?

I did not have sexual relations with that woman.

Yea...

Please don't jump to solutions on how to forgive him. I highly doubt that the problem has even been fleshed out. Get STD checked, get a lawyer and know your rights, look at the library here and read and read and read.

Don't make decisions to forgive or reconcile or divorce. Wait for a while and focus on what the fuck just happened.

Oh and DON'T allow him to minimize this and those friends of his, did they know? If they did, they are no friend of the marriage.

Hugs your way. We're here for you.

Devastated21 posted 9/19/2013 08:43 AM

He is still mad at me about what I did with the whole money/credit card thing. I had our mail going to a PO Box or being held so I could intercept the bills and pay them. I wasn't sure if there would still be a bill coming so I had continued the hold mail last week. Well he went to the post office and picked up the mail. He then proceeded to open all of my mail and scream at me because I have no money. He is mad because I still had the mail on hold and didn't tell him. Yet he lied to me for 4 YEARS about cheating.

He has been a complete a-hole to me. I slept on the couch last night. I am so broke it's not even funny. I have no one I can get money from to help me get out. I am stuck in his house. He is mad that I haven't made an effort to pay him back. He took out a 401k loan to pay off the debt that I caused. I told him that I could only afford to pay him a small amount starting at the end of the month but that isn't good enough.

I hate my life.