**The cruelest lies are often told in silence- Robert Louis Stevenson
Hugs to you. So you are happy he is not dead = you are human. Wait and see about the rest after you rest. (Sorry, couldn't think of a better way to word that).
Wow. What a horrible experience.
Give yourself some time to process this.
His actions have been and continue to be very selfish. He could have compounded everything by hurting of killing an innocent party.
Has he been arrested and will he face charges?
Love and caring doesn't fade away by your choice to file. It is a process. That process has been shocked by the accident. Your feelings of care and concern are admirable, but does that mean that you are willing to tolerate behavior due to this spike that you were not willing to on Friday?
Think on it.... Take care of you.
Maybe this will be a wake up call for him to change; maybe not.
You can decide to divorce today and stop the filing in a month, or get re-married in three years. You can decide to stay today and file for divorce tomorrow or in a year or in ten. You can decide to stay together and stay together; you can decide to divorce and move on without each other. Or you can wait to make a decision at all. And any of those options is okay if it's what you need to be healthy.
I would say to avoid making any long term decisions until you have given the adrenaline a chance to settle, until your head and your heart are a little more calm.
[This message edited by Amazonia at 12:08 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)]
Of course you don't really want him to be dead.
This might be a situation where you are faced with what could really happen, and you reconsider your real feelings after the DDay reactions die down.
Or, it may turn out to be that you care for him as a person, and don't want him to be hurt, but you still don't want a relationship (marriage) with him.
Neither is wrong. This is unfortunate timing...maybe. You are forced to take a hard look at your feelings.
No decision has to be made right now. Changing your mind because of the accident would not necessarily be a bad thing - if it brought you out of DDay funk and back to some basic feelings.
But, NOT changing your mind becuase of the accident would not necessarily be a bad thing either.
Good advice has been given. Rest. Be thankful he is going to be ok. Worry about the rest when you are able.
I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy
While I am in agreement with the other posters regarding taking your time before making a decision whether to D or not, I would strongly suggest that you consult your lawyer about any possible lawsuits that may result from the accident. Car insurance may cover the costs and judgment from any lawsuit but you should be also concerned about any assets. If you have joint assets, because you filed for D, your share of these assets may be exempt from any lawsuit. There may be also criminal charges and any legal costs that may be incurred in dealing with this should not come out of your portion of the marital assets. I know that it's sound cold and hard to be thinking like this but you need to take care of yourself and this means seeking the proper advice and information needed to make an informed decision about whether to continue with your D.
Please take care of yourself.
[This message edited by meplusfour at 1:17 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)]
And do what feels right with your WH. It may surprise you but roll with it. Heal yourself and listen to what you want and need to heal and live your life to the fullest.
And give yourself time on this. Take care of yourself. Heal yourself. You really do not need to make any decisions at this moment. I could not have made a good decision in the early months about the future of our M.
Thinking of you.
Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school
You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou
Gently here--beware of letting your concern over your WH's health influence your decision. Take time to figure out how you really feel and what you really want. He will recover and then you'll still have to deal with everything plus the ramifications of this very selfish and self-indulgent decision of his.
Choosing to drink and drive was a very wayward decision. It shows very wayward thinking: feeling sorry for himself, not caring about the consequences of his behavior on others, not thinking his decisions and their potentially deadly consequences through before acting. It was an extremely selfish, immature and quite possibly manipulative act. Much as some waywards threaten suicide to call attention to how much they are suffering while refusing to see the wasteland of pain and destruction their acts have caused others, choosing to get behind the wheel of a car drunk is a singularly irresponsible act. It is extremely fortunate that there isn't a carload of dead innocents in the wake of this behavior.
But there are a lot of consequences down the road to this behavior. There will be large fines and drastically increased insurance costs. He may lose his license or have it suspended which may impede his ability to work. It may affect his standing with his employer--some employers have no tolerance for illegal behavior. All of this will affect you and your family, not just him, and he didn't think about any of that. He was, once again, irresponsible with your welfare and security.
If your M is to continue, or even if it's not, he will need to look at this behavior and his A behavior as part of the same problem--his lack of care and concern for anyone besides himself and his ability to make catastrophic decisions without thought to the price paid by others that he is supposed to love. Understanding this part of himself, why he does this, and how to change are not easy and don't just happen by saying sorry and moving on.
What you will have to decide is whether or not he is willing to do that hard work and whether or not you can live with the horrible decisions he has already made and how they have changed your life.
There's a big difference between wanting someone dead and wanting to stay married to him. Of course you care for his weel-being and don't want him to be hurt or killed. You may decide to go either way here. Only you can decide what's best for you and your life.. Take care of yourself. Take it slow and breathe.
I do think you need some time to rest and best not to do anything too drastic right now, but I would be pissed as hell. The affair was completely selfish, and drinking and driving is completely selfish. He should be thanking the heavens he didn't kill anyone.
I'm worried if any part of you feels the need to take responsibility for this. You filing for divorce did NOT cause him to do this. You didn't cause the affair either. This is ALL ON HIM. You've had choices in how you have reacted to the situation, and he has had choices too. You are not responsible for his choices and actions.
You said it was always going to be a dealbreaker, and I don't know that another hugely selfish decision on his part should make you change your mind.. Now you just have a bigger mountain to climb if you were to ever try to R..
Purely from a selfish legal standpoint, I think you may have saved yourself a ton of money by filing before this happened.. Had he been served already? Not sure if that matters..
Hugs to you. I'm glad everyone is okay..
"I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance." Garth Brooks
The uncovered medical costs.
Towing fees, impound fees for the car
Replacement of the car
Mandated class fees
DMV fees from replacement of license, photo ID, reinstatement fee, etc
DVM Mandated class fees
Bus/Trolley/Mass Transit pass while he can't drive
MADD donation for their mandated class
All of the above fees thus far, total $4375 not including mass transit passes. Also, because we now have to have SR22 insurance, there will be approx. a $2,000 per year increase in our auto insurance, FOR THE NEXT 10 YEARS! Yes, that's $20K worth of extra insurance for his little driving decision. All out of "our" pockets.
Frankly, if you want to leave him and feel it's in your best interests, then get out now before you're jointly responsible for paying for all of the above. If I were in your shoes, I would be pushing that D though ASAP before his bad behavior costs you more in emotions and finances. (((hugs)))
D-Day, June 10, 2012