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Help please- filed for D and H has car accident

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AStar posted 8/20/2013 11:57 AM

Sorry this is all over the place... I am so confused- please help. I discovered my Hs EA less than a month ago and filed for D last Friday. It was one of the worst days of my life.
In truth its been a nightmare since DDay, my entire world imploded and I didnt even see it coming. During the past month, my husband has been extremely remorseful, doing everything right, but I could not deal with his A. It's was always going to be a deal breaker and he knew it. He begged me not to file, he wanted to R. I wasnt interested.
So on Saturday, we have a huge fight, first absolute blow up screaming match. (We still live together, but he was booted to the guest room since DDay.)
He went out, got drunk (he is normally a light occasional drinker) - got totally rat faced and had a serious car accident. I got a call from the police early Sunday morning. It's the type of call no one ever wants. He is stable and will be discharged from hospital tomorrow.
This is so hard to deal with, because he nearly died. Gives me a completely different perspective... And I can't help crying because he could have been dead. I don't understand that I would D him and kick him out of my life, in effect lose him, but he nearly died and I want to hang on to him. What also hurts is that in the time I found out about the A, I felt like killing him!! But he almost died and its not what I want.
I have spoken to him and he still doesn't want a D.
I am just so confused- I literally feel traumatized by every thing. When I discovered the EA, I just shut down, now I can't stop crying, about everything.
I know the accident was stupid, how do you even think to drive when you are drunk?! He has never done something so fucking stupid!!
I just don't know what to do or think and any advice at this time will be appreciated. I am just too tired to even think.

Jennifer99 posted 8/20/2013 11:59 AM

I would say don't think, rest. If you need help getting some rest, get it. Over the past year - I never made any good decisions or followed a rational thought process when tired.

Hugs to you. So you are happy he is not dead = you are human. Wait and see about the rest after you rest. (Sorry, couldn't think of a better way to word that).

2married2quit posted 8/20/2013 12:02 PM

I am so so sorry to hear about all this. Please call your friends, pastor..etc so you get comfort and support. Hugs.

redrock posted 8/20/2013 12:05 PM


Wow. What a horrible experience.

Give yourself some time to process this.

His actions have been and continue to be very selfish. He could have compounded everything by hurting of killing an innocent party.

Has he been arrested and will he face charges?

Love and caring doesn't fade away by your choice to file. It is a process. That process has been shocked by the accident. Your feelings of care and concern are admirable, but does that mean that you are willing to tolerate behavior due to this spike that you were not willing to on Friday?

Think on it.... Take care of you.

Amazonia posted 8/20/2013 12:07 PM

You know what's nice about life? You don't need to decide everything at once.

Maybe this will be a wake up call for him to change; maybe not.

You can decide to divorce today and stop the filing in a month, or get re-married in three years. You can decide to stay today and file for divorce tomorrow or in a year or in ten. You can decide to stay together and stay together; you can decide to divorce and move on without each other. Or you can wait to make a decision at all. And any of those options is okay if it's what you need to be healthy.

I would say to avoid making any long term decisions until you have given the adrenaline a chance to settle, until your head and your heart are a little more calm.

[This message edited by Amazonia at 12:08 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)]

WhatsRight posted 8/20/2013 12:10 PM

Jennifer99 is right on.

Of course you don't really want him to be dead.

This might be a situation where you are faced with what could really happen, and you reconsider your real feelings after the DDay reactions die down.

Or, it may turn out to be that you care for him as a person, and don't want him to be hurt, but you still don't want a relationship (marriage) with him.

Neither is wrong. This is unfortunate timing...maybe. You are forced to take a hard look at your feelings.

No decision has to be made right now. Changing your mind because of the accident would not necessarily be a bad thing - if it brought you out of DDay funk and back to some basic feelings.

But, NOT changing your mind becuase of the accident would not necessarily be a bad thing either.

Good advice has been given. Rest. Be thankful he is going to be ok. Worry about the rest when you are able.


babbs posted 8/20/2013 12:14 PM

AStar- When you don't know what to do it's best to stand still and remain where you are. I don't know your particular situation but I can say for my BS and I the first couple of months were brutal. A lot of emotions all at once. PP was correct in saying you need to rest and another suggested you think about not making all decisions "today". Put things on hold until you are able to make the best decision for both of you. Good Luck

meplusfour posted 8/20/2013 13:16 PM

You have suffered two enormous blows over the past month, namely your H's EA and now, his injuries from his car accident.

While I am in agreement with the other posters regarding taking your time before making a decision whether to D or not, I would strongly suggest that you consult your lawyer about any possible lawsuits that may result from the accident. Car insurance may cover the costs and judgment from any lawsuit but you should be also concerned about any assets. If you have joint assets, because you filed for D, your share of these assets may be exempt from any lawsuit. There may be also criminal charges and any legal costs that may be incurred in dealing with this should not come out of your portion of the marital assets. I know that it's sound cold and hard to be thinking like this but you need to take care of yourself and this means seeking the proper advice and information needed to make an informed decision about whether to continue with your D.

Please take care of yourself.

[This message edited by meplusfour at 1:17 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)]

StillLivin posted 8/20/2013 14:37 PM

You have a lot of options.
First, rest, though. See a Dr if you need something to help you rest.
Once rested, for a couple of days, you can see your attorney if you decide you don't want to go through with the D. Maybe separation if you want to go that route.
Definitely get into counseling, though.
Give yourself the time you need.
Oh, and my WH also had a life threatening incident right around DD.
It means you are a good persosn capable of loving someone unconditionally. It doesn't mean you are bad because you wanted to bash his head in on DD. That is normal.
I still love my husbasnd. I loved him all the way to the attorney's office and he is being served in 36 hours, approximately 15 hours after he returns home from Afghanistan.
I choose to love me more.
Make the same choice. And if it is D then so be it. If it is R, then so be it. But put you first from now on.
Good luck and Godbless!

OnAnIsland posted 8/20/2013 14:42 PM

I am so sorry that you find yourself in such a terrible place. Rest and take care of yourself.

And do what feels right with your WH. It may surprise you but roll with it. Heal yourself and listen to what you want and need to heal and live your life to the fullest.

And give yourself time on this. Take care of yourself. Heal yourself. You really do not need to make any decisions at this moment. I could not have made a good decision in the early months about the future of our M.

Thinking of you.

NowWhat106 posted 8/20/2013 15:55 PM

I'm so sorry! At times it can seem like the whole world has crashed at once, and there's no solid place to stand anymore. But there is. It's you. Take extra care of yourself right now, and, as so many have said, you don't have to know or decide anything quickly.

Gently here--beware of letting your concern over your WH's health influence your decision. Take time to figure out how you really feel and what you really want. He will recover and then you'll still have to deal with everything plus the ramifications of this very selfish and self-indulgent decision of his.

Choosing to drink and drive was a very wayward decision. It shows very wayward thinking: feeling sorry for himself, not caring about the consequences of his behavior on others, not thinking his decisions and their potentially deadly consequences through before acting. It was an extremely selfish, immature and quite possibly manipulative act. Much as some waywards threaten suicide to call attention to how much they are suffering while refusing to see the wasteland of pain and destruction their acts have caused others, choosing to get behind the wheel of a car drunk is a singularly irresponsible act. It is extremely fortunate that there isn't a carload of dead innocents in the wake of this behavior.

But there are a lot of consequences down the road to this behavior. There will be large fines and drastically increased insurance costs. He may lose his license or have it suspended which may impede his ability to work. It may affect his standing with his employer--some employers have no tolerance for illegal behavior. All of this will affect you and your family, not just him, and he didn't think about any of that. He was, once again, irresponsible with your welfare and security.

If your M is to continue, or even if it's not, he will need to look at this behavior and his A behavior as part of the same problem--his lack of care and concern for anyone besides himself and his ability to make catastrophic decisions without thought to the price paid by others that he is supposed to love. Understanding this part of himself, why he does this, and how to change are not easy and don't just happen by saying sorry and moving on.

What you will have to decide is whether or not he is willing to do that hard work and whether or not you can live with the horrible decisions he has already made and how they have changed your life.

There's a big difference between wanting someone dead and wanting to stay married to him. Of course you care for his weel-being and don't want him to be hurt or killed. You may decide to go either way here. Only you can decide what's best for you and your life.. Take care of yourself. Take it slow and breathe.


AStar posted 8/21/2013 12:36 PM

Thank you for all the responses. Rather let the trusted SI folks make sense of this mess because my brain is on pause. As per all of you, for now its just to get through the next few days without doing much of anything.

ButterflyGirl posted 8/21/2013 13:14 PM

I very much agree with what NowWhat said.. This was wayward thinking on his part.

I do think you need some time to rest and best not to do anything too drastic right now, but I would be pissed as hell. The affair was completely selfish, and drinking and driving is completely selfish. He should be thanking the heavens he didn't kill anyone.

I'm worried if any part of you feels the need to take responsibility for this. You filing for divorce did NOT cause him to do this. You didn't cause the affair either. This is ALL ON HIM. You've had choices in how you have reacted to the situation, and he has had choices too. You are not responsible for his choices and actions.

You said it was always going to be a dealbreaker, and I don't know that another hugely selfish decision on his part should make you change your mind.. Now you just have a bigger mountain to climb if you were to ever try to R..

Purely from a selfish legal standpoint, I think you may have saved yourself a ton of money by filing before this happened.. Had he been served already? Not sure if that matters..

Hugs to you. I'm glad everyone is okay..

lynnm1947 posted 8/21/2013 13:23 PM

So he follows up one huge bad decision (to have an A) with another (to drive drunk). Sounds like he needs some IC to discover why he makes such phenomenally bad choices. But really, that's on him. If you truly want to try R, do. However, don't R just because you feel sorry or guilty that he was in an accident. His accident had nothing to do with you, but unless he gets some help, his bad decisions/choices will continue to impact on you.

Skan posted 8/21/2013 16:39 PM

Speaking as someone whose FWH got a DUI (but was lucky enough to not go to a hospital nor send anyone there), I wouldn't let his circumstances change my mind one bit. Being really emotionless about it, that DUI is going to probably, dependent upon your state, cost you the following:

The uncovered medical costs.
Towing fees, impound fees for the car
Replacement of the car
Lawyer's fees
Mandated class fees
DMV fees from replacement of license, photo ID, reinstatement fee, etc
Court fines
DVM Mandated class fees
Bus/Trolley/Mass Transit pass while he can't drive
MADD donation for their mandated class

All of the above fees thus far, total $4375 not including mass transit passes. Also, because we now have to have SR22 insurance, there will be approx. a $2,000 per year increase in our auto insurance, FOR THE NEXT 10 YEARS! Yes, that's $20K worth of extra insurance for his little driving decision. All out of "our" pockets.

Frankly, if you want to leave him and feel it's in your best interests, then get out now before you're jointly responsible for paying for all of the above. If I were in your shoes, I would be pushing that D though ASAP before his bad behavior costs you more in emotions and finances. (((hugs)))

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